I’ve never read The Divine Comedy otherwise known as Dante’s Inferno. From what I’ve heard it is difficult to understand or make much sense of, so why bother? That was until I read an interpretation offered by author Martha Beck in her soon to be published book, The Way of Integrity. While I’m unlikely to drop everything and rush out to get a copy of Dante’s classic, I have come to appreciate the metaphorical ideas and mystical inspiration that it contains. But perhaps more important, Beck uses it as a road map for meeting our inner selves and following a path to inner wholeness and ultimate wellbeing. And who couldn’t use a bit (or a lot) of that these days?
So what is the path to integrity and how could it possibly lead us to the “paradise” that Dante constantly refers to in his masterpiece? According to Beck, the word integrity comes from a Latin word meaning “intact.” In other words, if something is whole, undivided, congruent with every part of itself so that it works harmoniously toward wholeness, it is acting in integrity. And the largest hinderance to that? Our culture. Beck says, “Humans create elaborate cultures because we are dependent upon the goodwill of others from the moment we are born.” Unfortunately in our rush to be accepted, loved and fit in, we usually ignore or overrule our true selves and promptly forget who we are.
It’s easy to see how we all end up with divided and often false selves when we consider how from an early age we are conditioned to fit into our tribes. The more we want to be safe and belong, the more likely we are to learn every subtlety we can to be accepted. We smile as expected, go to school or church as expected, learn gender appropriate activities as educated, relate to others as taught, and so on and on. The problem is, there is something deep inside us (no matter how repressed) that knows when something isn’t in alignment. Many of us are not acting as our true selves and are living a lie.
Now obviously there are a few outliers among us. Some people refused the conditioning and have become rebels. A few of those even became great leaders because of it. But the vast majority of us accept that the tradeoff for belonging and acceptance is worth the sacrifice of our true nature. However, at some point our true self usually demands to be heard. At that point, we may find ourselves heading into the Inferno that Dante describes. How do we know we are there? The suffering becomes unbearable.
I won’t even begin to explain the entire story that Beck uses to illustrate both going through hell and the eventual rise to paradise that comes from following a path to integrity. But I will say that one of the most powerful examples of the decent and then rise comes from Beck’s own life story. When she found herself living a life that everyone else thought was exemplary (devoted wife, mother, three college degrees, college professorship, and more) and was both physically and mentally suffering, she gradually walked away from it all as she learned to both listen, and then follow her true nature. How? By following a way of full integrity.
What I see as most problematic is that most of us don’t have the dramatic example that practically forced Beck to start and then continue looking within. Most of us lead fairly comfortable and reasonably happy lives, so why stir all that up? Surely the little lies I live and tell myself and others aren’t that big a deal? Yet, Beck makes a very compelling case for the advantages of living the sort of life where you are completely in congruence with what you feel, what you think, what you say and what you do. And maybe it is time for more of us to do the same? Can you even imagine a world where we all did that?
How do you do it? You start by questioning all the beliefs that you hold from your culture (family, church, education, etc.). More importantly you begin examining any beliefs behind your suffering or unhappiness to see if they are actually true for you, regardless of how deeply held they are by others. Beck, in similar ways to teacher Byron Katie, is convinced that most of our unhappiness or suffering comes from believing things that simply are not true.
The next thing you do is stop lying. Beck actually started an “integrity cleanse” where she vowed not to lie for an entire year. At first she just stopped any lies to others until she realized that often silence is an equally powerful lie. She claims that the more honest you are with yourself and others, the more you reveal some of those erroneous foundational beliefs underneath that are usually hidden. Ask yourself, “Where are your flinch areas? Where are your ‘Do not mention zones?’” Stopping the obvious lies is fairly easy for most of us, it’s those “white lies” we often tell to avoid making waves or to not “hurt” others. Yet Beck says, “Any lie, even an unconscious one, splits us from integrity.”
While Beck went cold-turkey with lying to herself and others, she actually recommends that most of us start with the intention to make small degree changes. Then slowly, one small change at a time, our lives will be transformed. And the eventual payoff?
“Here it is: You are infinitely worthy. You are infinitely precious. You have always been enough. There is no place you don’t belong. You are lovable. You’re a loved. You are love.”
Of course it does sound a bit hard to believe. Simply stop lying and you will find paradise on Earth? Yet after finishing Beck’s book and doing (some) of her exercises, I realized how closely her ideas resonated with my own inner truth. Best of all, it feels good to accept the beauty of your true self. Not in a “lying to yourself to numb the pain” way, but in an open-minded, open-hearted way that believes in the goodness of others and the goodness of the world. So, while I won’t go all-in like Beck, I will do my best. After all, with a WOTY (Word-Of-The-Year) like trust, and the fact that I consider the journey of Wholeness to be the most exciting journey of all—why wouldn’t I be willing?
Of course Beck doesn’t suggest we blindly believe what she, me or others tell us that we should believe. With matters so important, always run them by your true nature—that Self deep, deep, deep inside, and see what you discover. Let’s just remember, the SMART perspective is one that remains open and honest about our growth, our possibilities and our hope for a better tomorrow.
Martha Beck, PhD, is a Harvard-trained sociologist, world-renowned coach and New York Times bestselling author. She has published nine non-fiction books, one novel, and more than 200 magazine articles. Her latest book, The Way of Integrity—Finding the Path To Your True Self is set to publish on April 13, 2021. I received a review copy in order to do this review. You can preorder it here: Amazon
The Way of Integrity — I love the title! Someone told me once that the word “right” in the Eightfold Path of Buddhism can be better translated as “integrated.” So, for example, right speech might be better understood as integrated speech. I don’t know how accurate that is, but I loved this shift from the idea of right, which suggests the opposite of wrong, to the idea of integrated, which relates to integrity, or wholeness. I think of it in terms of alignment.
But not lying for a year?! Wow. I remember a challenge some years back which involved going 21 consecutive days without complaining. The idea was that it took 21 days to break a habit or to establish a new one. I had to start my count over many times! I don’t think I ever made it 21 consecutive days (truth telling — ha!) but I did succeed in breaking the habit of chronic complaining. I noticed how breaking the habit positively affected my outlook on the world and my interactions with others.
My grandson and I talk about truth a lot, being honest, being trustworthy, and all related concepts. I might try a mini-challenge with him about lying. Should be fun, and interesting I think.
Hi Galen! Thank you for that perspective about how it can/could tie into Buddhism. I believe that Beck book agree that Integrity is all about wholeness and alignment. And from that place we would offer to the world, and act from that place, which is most connected to our higher source of being. That answers that tricky question about why and how people do evil things (at least to me.)
And I remember that challenge to not complain. I didn’t make it very far either! I like to think I don’t complain much (don’t we all) but it is such a habit. As far as the how truth telling is going, I have definitely caught myself clearly “avoiding” the truth in order to escape uncomfortable feelings in the last week or so. And while i haven’t managed to completely untangle that, I know that is where I often stray from alignment. I think just holding the possibility in my mind and working on my awareness and mindfulness is sure to help move me in that direction as time goes by. Let’s see how I’m doing in a few months???
And how awesome it would be to have a conversation with your grandson about the topic. Just bringing this up with him is sure to get him thinking along those lines. Actually, wouldn’t this be a great topic for us all to talk over with people we care about? ~Katy
I remember reading The Divine Comedy in high school. We had wonderful discussions about it then but your post has made me think that I might want to revisit it with more mature eyes. I agree that most of us aren’t living completely authentic lives and we can do better by honest reflection and self discovery. I wonder, though, what a society would look like if everyone lived their lives completely in congruence with what they felt all the time? Paradise? A circle of hell? I guess we can just do our best to live as true to ourselves as possible. Fortunately, modern society does seem to be moving (albeit slowly) in the direction of accepting traditionally non-conforming ways of being/living.
Btw, I seem to have stopped getting emails linking to your posts so I will sign up again. Since I knew you posted on Fridays, I was aware that something was missing.
Hi Janis! Yes, isn’t that THE question: “I wonder, though, what a society would look like if everyone lived their lives completely in congruence with what they felt all the time? Paradise? A circle of hell?” Beck is convinced (and posts pretty convincing arguments) that the more we will move toward at society that is more accepting of ourselves and when we do that, we automatically become more accepting of others. All that angst and anxiety of trying to be something we are not and/or living up to other people’s expectations not only is extremely draining, but according to Beck that is a major reason so many people “act out” (to put it mildly). While she doesn’t come out and say it, she does imply using Dante’s story, that the worst evil exists because we lie to ourselves and live a life untrue to our inner selves. I realize that is a big reach but wouldn’t it be interesting to see if that would cure many of the world’s ills? ~Kathy
P.S. I will check to see how your email disappeared from my list. Thanks for the heads up.
Look forward to discussing further on Friday. You have us something to think about.
Hi Ann! I know it is rather controversial and surely there is no right answer but it will be interesting to see what everyone thinks either way. Talk to you then. ~Kathy
Kathy, I am working on the “believing things that are simply not true” right now. I’m not sure I can take on stopping the telling of (white or silent) lies! Quite the concept and good luck for you taking it on.
Hi Pat! I think any of us who explore self awareness on any level are aware of the power of what we believe (or don’t believe) but most of the time we (I) forget that we just picked up that belief/idea along the way and suddenly it is solid as concrete. Have you read Byron Katie? Her classic “Loving What Is” is amazing. And addresses this issue in a powerful way.
As for stopping lies, so far I haven’t been faced with any BIG choices about them so it’s been good and hasn’t required any bravery. And mainly because Thom is around me 24/7 he is taking the brunt of it!!!! Thank goodness he is a nine (Enneagram) and loves me so much!! Once I get more out and about I will be tested more. If anything, just a pause in my thinking by asking myself whether it is true or not is helping me get clearer. ~Kathy
That sounds like an interesting book! I have been really focused on listening to my inner voice lately, and I have realized that I am often silent because I don’t know what I think. I mean, clearly I know what I think about the obvious issues, like racism and violence (and I also do know that I am a pacifist). But beyond that, I am not even sure. I think part of who I am is someone who wants to listen and understand. It has been interesting, though, because I have always just gone along with what I thought everyone else wanted me to say and do.
Hi Bethany! I’ve ALWAYS appreciated your honesty (at least with me!). And I think it is pretty self aware that you know that you often don’t know what you think. I probably think I know more than I do, hahaha…and perhaps that is a big part of the problems in the world today. I’ll bet a lot of us do! One thing I do know about myself is that it helps me to talk out my thoughts…that’s why I love writing so much. I often don’t know exactly what I think or believe until I am called upon to either write it or recite it.
Could it be the same with you?
And beyond that, maybe just “waiting” in that space is better for us than going along with what others expect or want? Hmmm…I’ll have to give that more thought. Thanks again for raising that idea. ~Kathy
Interesting post. I think I agree with Nancy Coiner, altho I’m not quite so eloquent. I’m all for finding our true selves, but sometimes there’s an ugly or selfish element to our true selves, and we still have to live in a community, in a family, with other people tolerating our behavior or maybe even depending on our behavior. Speaking of tribes, I just read a piece about Moral Tribes by Joshua Green which will be the subject of an upcoming Sightings post.
Hi Tom! Thanks for raising a few questions. I think from Martha Beck’s perspective that if you are REALLY acting from your true self then you have illuminated that hateful or selfish element from your self. It is only when we cover up or refuse to acknowledge our deeper urgings that we hurt others and destructively or selfish. I think much of psychology tends to agree that the more disconnected we are from our selves and our actions, the more likely we are to be violent and destructive. From what I can tell a big part of the “goal” of Beck’s book is to solidify our wholeness–recognizing those parts that have selfish or destructive within us and balance them with our better natures. I don’t however believe that she thinks there is any part of us that is inherently “ugly”. For me at least, that points back to the idea of original sin with origins in a lot of theological patriarchy. There are many beliefs and faiths that tend to believe that we were born inherently good and that’s what Beck points out. And from what I can tell at least from her interpretation of Dante, he tended to believe that too. I would be curious if Nancy or others who have studied the book agree???? ~Kathy
Some people (Hobbes) think people are born bad. Others (Rousseau) think they are born good. I think they are born complicated. But ya know, I should really read her book. Because I know one thing: I was born ignorant.
Got it…I COMPLETELY agree that good or bad we are definitely complicated. And the sure sign of at least some wisdom is knowing that we actually know very little (if anything!). No wonder I like you!
There IS something deep inside us that knows when something isn’t in alignment. I agree with this statement 100%. Actually, it’s what keeps me going when so much seems out of alignment.
Thank you for another thought-provoking post.
Hi Donna. What a lovely way to express it. You should be a writer! Oh, you are 🙂 Glad as always that my post helped you reflect. ~Kathy
Hi Kathy, That sounds like a book I might want to get and read. I have read Dante’s book and found it quite insightful. To hear you describe Martha’s take on it, gives it a whole new meaning. I agree that we need to live with integrity. I, too, had a similar “awakening” if you want to call it that. It’s funny how when these live changing events happen at the time, you think it’s the end of your world. As time passed, things got better and I started living my true life, things came easily. I now have the life I love and enjoy!! It is a tough road to follow however, I agree with Martha well worth the journey
Hi Debbie! Thank you so much for bringing it up because Beck definitely addresses how that frequently happens. Most of the time we all resist those “life changing events” unless forced but as you say, as time passes they often turn out to be one of the most liberating thing possible. That’s where trust comes in for me. Being able to trust what happens will work out in the end. I’ve always believed that we learn and grow either from inspiration or suffering. Inspiration is a lot easier path to follow but most of the time it’s that pain that gets us to move forward no matter what. Glad you’ve found a path of integrity that has brought you to a life you love! ~Kathy
“There is something deep inside us (no matter how repressed) that knows when something isn’t in alignment…integrity cleanse.”
I remind people, no matter what you say or do during the day, you still have to sleep with yourself.
The lies of silence are hardest for me to give up personally. I have ample opportunity to practice speaking up at work against racism, classism, sexism, you name it, but these people are my bosses, colleagues and even friends. Recently, I am finding ways to say SOMETHING so they know I don’t agree without engaging in an unprofessional argument, but it is very tricky. Silence is much easier but my inner self tells me I can no longer do that. Being whole can certainly be harder than being ignorant to ones self. But I just can’t forget how good it feels to work towards wholeness. So I keep trying .
Hi Mary! Yes, Martha Beck is pretty clear about how we will often admit to ourselves when we say something that isn’t true….or feel so strongly that we refuse to be silent. But it’s those “silent” untruths that we resist saying just to keep the peace or not make waves that can really mess with our inner selves. Or what about the silent untruths that we refuse to admit even to ourselves??? Those sometimes need a little excavating because we’ve buried them so far down inside that it’s sometimes difficult to even realize they are there. I like to think of it as peeling the layers of an onion. The more you peel, the deeper the experience. Not always easy, but I believe the eventual treasure to be worth it. Thanks for sharing your own personal perspective and how wholeness motivates you! ~Kathy
Hi Gary! Isn’t that the truth? And like you say, when the lights are out and we are alone with ourselves, what is that still small voice within saying? I’m hoping it is something compassionate and loving but there are no guarantees. Thanks for checking in. ~Kathy
I can hardly wait! Thanks for the heads up on this book.
You’re welcome Ezme! I’ve been a big fan for a long time as well. Martha has a very easy style to read and she offers so many insights. I hope you enjoy the book. ~Kathy
Kathy — I have such a complicated reaction to this that I may have to do an entire post of my own! I love Dante (undergrad thesis on him, doctoral thesis on his followers and imitators), and integrity (in the moral sense as well as Beck’s emotional/spiritual sense) is definitely key to the journey he describes. But so are other things: love and community among them. I’m glad lots of people find the imagery of the Dark Wood to Down Below to Rising Up resonant for them, especially for addiction and general lostness. (I suppose Beck’s integrity is really about freeing oneself to addiction to other people’s approval.) I’ll look forward to reading Beck’s book. Thanks for the post!
Hi Nancy! I would LOVE to hear your take on Dante’s journey. I look forward to it in a coming blog post! There is actually so much more to the book than what I was able to encapture but I am determined to distill my words a bit more than I have in the past so this is what seemed most overall relevant. IMHO Beck’s approach to integrity is about far more than addition to other people approval (although that is certainly one aspect). In so many ways she joins other philosophers, social scientists and thought leaders in believing in the inherent goodness of the human soul and how if we strip away the layers of cultural conditioning then we will be guided from within to do the right thing in every instance. Not in a selfish way, but a “Whole” way. I think that’s a subtle distinction and a bit hard to describe but I certainly resonated with it. Again, I would be so curious how you view her interpretation based upon all the study that you have done if it ever comes that. Thanks for your comments. ~Kathy