Years ago, Thom and I scaled back our living space and rightsized. That conscious choice was to sell our larger home and buy one nearly half the size. Our decision not only saved us a significant amount of money—more importantly, it gave us the peace of mind and freedom to live in a way far more aligned with what matters most to us. So even though we had fewer “rooms” in our house, in the end our new home offered us many more opportunities to create the lifestyle that we wanted. Taking things a step further, sometimes a home and the rooms inside offer a far more important analogy than simply a place where we dwell.
That insight came to me while listening to a podcast interview by a man named Brad Stulberg the author of the newly released Master of Change—How to excel when everything is changing—including you. Not only did he offer some ideas about how to navigate change—his metaphor about a house and its rooms helped me accept and appreciate the many changes in my life in the last few months.
Our remodeled living room.
What changes? Since the end of last year Thom (my husband) and I have been exploring what life is like living in an over-55 community, in a new city (Tucson) and in what most of you would call a “tiny house.” (Once again, our new “home” is less than half of the size of our previously “rightsized” home.) Of course, we haven’t given up our old lifestyle completely, but we made the commitment to be here for three months to see if it is a good fit for us.
Meanwhile, my intention during this time was to continue blogging at least as much as I had been recently. But what I’ve found is that this home continually calls me to make choices and navigate different activities. The first was to finish up on the remodeling of our tiny home which definitely needed updating. The second was to coordinate living in a smaller space with a husband who is now retired. Third was connecting to new friends and participating in the dozens of fun activities here in our new community. And last but not least, was getting out and exploring our new environment here in a new-to-us city.
How’s it going? Actually, very well. I’m fortunate that Thom is very handy with home-improvement projects so most of the elements of our new home have been updated. New blinds, new hardware on the cabinets, new furniture and rugs and dozens of little projects that needed attention. Our tiny home is now very comfortable and seems to provide all the space we need. We’ve even gotten used to having only one bathroom!
One of the discussion circles at our first TED Talk.
Thom’s retirement is also going very well. He says he has no regrets and so far he has managed to stay busy doing things he enjoys. For those of you who have gone through a similar adjustment, you know that it can go lots of different ways. But perhaps because he has only worked part time for several years and much of that at home, it hasn’t been an extreme shift for either of us. Of course, doing it in a 600 sq. foot home in a new city does require forming new compatible routines.
Thom’s photo of the bike trail after a rain.
Then, one of the most enjoyable aspects has been exploring activities here at our new community. I have been enjoying line dancing and a new book club. Thom is taking a sign language class and joined the photography club. The large woodshop has been helpful with our remodeling and we are looking forward to more time in the huge heated pool and making time for pickle ball. We also started a monthly TED Talk discussion group with 30 attending our first time. In addition, there are regular concerts, wine tastings, a weekly farmer’s market, a couple of craft fairs, a walk-around yard sale, bocce ball and did I mention that right out the back gate there is 145-mile bike loop around the city? No, we haven’t participated in everything. But just a few activities plus a couple of happy hours and dinner parties have dominated my time. Who has the headspace to write???
Last but not least, are several opportunities we have taken to get out and explore our “new” city. Fortunately, there is great hiking nearby, so we’ve managed to squeeze in a couple of those in the last few weeks. Last week we took a 20-mile bike ride up the Loop and also went to a live concert in downtown Tucson at the Rialto Theater. Speaking of downtown, Tucson has an electric streetcar that runs for several miles through downtown and around that allows you to explore the area—and it’s free! And we have only sampled a few of the AMAZING restaurants here in the city.
So, what does any of this have to do with you? Well, remember Brad Stulberg and his metaphor of a home with many rooms? He mostly uses it in terms of how change relates to our sense of self. That self is what he calls our home. He says that if we only identify with one or maybe two rooms in our “home”, and something changes or goes deeply wrong in that room, then our lives can fall apart. Instead, when we cultivate and maintain several rooms at the same time, we always have different aspects of ourselves that can help us navigate change and overcome difficulties.
Hiking on the Bittersweet Trail.
In other words, say you lose your house or worse, someone you love. If your entire identity is wrapped up in that one expression—what do you do when it changes? What if you spend your whole life focused only on being a mother, a certain professional, or an athlete and then your child moves away, you lose your job or you get extremely sick? How do we carry on if our entire sense of self is limited to one or two “rooms” or aspects of who we are?
At this point of my life, I am proud to call myself a writer. That identity is definitely one of my “rooms.” But I am also much more than that. So, although my “writing” room is important to me—I have several other rooms where I enjoy spending time—and have been doing so during the last few months. After all, the physical size of your house matters far less than how many (mental) rooms are available to you (and how equally balanced and important they are.)
A free evening concert here at Rincon West Resort.
Plus, I think it is easy for many of us to believe that we are defined only by the most obvious parts of ourselves. But each of us is much, much more. Recognizing those aspects and creating and/or “remodeling” those rooms if and when necessary—could just open up opportunities and growth that we never even realized in the past.
So, what about you? Do you have a number of rooms in your home that support and sustain you? Or have you let yourself be so focused on one part of your identity that you have nothing left if that one slips away? For me, recognizing that I have many “rooms” in my home that I can (and want to) spend time in, softens my conscience about not spending more time writing—or doing anything else I think I should. Instead I’m giving myself the freedom to pick and choose different rooms as I explore a new lifestyle.
One thing I’ve learned over the years is that the physical size of the house where we live isn’t nearly as important as the number of good quality rooms available in our mind. After all, the value and depth of what’s inside of us is far more important than what is visible on the outside. Plus, when change happens—and it will—it’s SMART to remember we have the option to find peace, satisfaction and yes fun, in our other rooms.
Hi Kathy,
Sounds like you found the absolutely perfect community for you and Thom! And it’s so great there are so many things to do, beautiful areas to explore and free amenities in town to be able experience everything. Like Thom, Shannon and I are retired and I honestly don’t know how we had time for work LOL!
I enjoyed the discussion on the “rooms” of our house. And I couldn’t agree more. I guess that’s part of the reason for our wanting to move. One of our rooms, the social aspect, is getting as fulfilled as we would like and are hoping for more positive results abroad. We each have so many different aspects of our personalities, I can understand how you’re nurturing certain ones now while others are kind of on the back burner. Not gone and ignored, just waiting I think?
I have family and friends who have been devastated by some kind of loss or tragedy because, as you said, they threw everything they had into one room. It took them a long time to come out of it however, I’m happy to say they did. And now I think they lead a more balanced and full life. So, they’re prepared for the next time. Past experiences are great teachers.
I love how your place is looking and look forward to seeing more about it. And I love all the perspectives from your readers. They’re all so different and offer such a vast library of knowledge and experience.
Thanks for sharing!
This is not directly on point, but I was just translating a chapter in the Dao De Jing about space. The point of the chapter is that we focus on the form or structure, but it is the space that we actually use. For example, we might admire a beautiful vase, but it is the emptiness within the vase that we use. I thought of this chapter because we think of the rooms or structure of our homes, but it is the space within our homes that allows us to move around and live. I know that is not what you are writing about here, but that chapter has been on my mind all day, so forgive the digression.
The metaphor of rooms as representing our different interests, life events, and even our identities is a very tangible way to evaluate our lives. I like what you said about the way we can get stuck in particular identities, such that if that identity is no longer viable for us, we are threatened with annihilation! In my younger years, I transitioned through a number if identities. I was so attached to each one that I shifting to a new direction in my life was deeply traumatic! I learned over time that my life was likely to change and evolve over time and that that was a good thing! I learned to hold those identities more lightly and let go of them more easily.
You also make a good point that it’s healthy to have several “rooms” in our lives representing different interests and roles and activities. When we live only in one “room,” like a career for example, then retirement leaves us homeless. It’s good to be able to move from room to room.
You always bring up such interesting ideas. And I enjoy the way you weave your own lives into your posts in a way that models your points while also just letting people get to know you better. Always a reading pleasure!
Hi Galen! I hope you are doing well. And NEVER apologize (to me at least), for bringing different perspectives on my ideas. I really appreciate that from you. Your thoughts remind me of the Dave Matthews song, “The space between.” The solid black or white forms seem so much more predictable (and dare I say controllable?) Being comfortable with that “space” of “not solid”, is a great example of uncertainty, don’t you think?
And good for you for being willing to change and adapt to the many rooms in your life through the years. Not being attached to any one of them is a real key I think–and like you said, hold them lightly. Glad you enjoy my style of communicating what I learn. I think there are some of my readers who are just interested in my “doings” and others hopefully interested in my “being.” 🙂 ~Kathy
Sounds like a wonderful community you found, Kathy! We really like the Tucson area, so being able to live there three months a year – or whenever you want, really – sounds perfect.
I can totally understand how you two keep busy. And, I must have missed before that Thom is now retired. Congrats to him! I’m sure he is finding a lot of new hobbies and interests!
As for us, you know… We are constantly in tune, focused, and busy with our environment and travels that I really have to do a lot of effort to keep my blog and writing going. There is no free time (to read, for example). Ever. So, it’s safe to say that I have many, many rooms that keep me entertained, busy, and stimulated. 🙂
Hi Liesbet! Thank you! I know you and Mark have a LOT going on in your lives and I’m amazed that you have “room” to write much at all. You’ve been keeping up with it much better than I have despite your many activities. Of course you are quite a bit younger than us so that likely gives you more energy and drive. 🙂 And I completely agree that you have a number of “rooms” in your home that serve you. Let’s keep it up, huh? ~Kathy
Hi, Kathy – I love that you and Thom contine to explore and update what rightsizing works best for you at new points in time. Your Park Model Community looks fabulous. When we spent three autumns in the Sun City community in Palm Desert – Richard and I absolutely loved the community there and all that it had to offer. We can totally understand the appeal. Great post!
Hi Donna! Yes Sun City community has a LOT of very nice features too. We looked there and at the Sun City here in Tucson as well. But like I mentioned to Pat, the homes there tend to be in the higher price range and the “proximity features” I’ve mentioned before aren’t the same. There is something about living in separate but closer quarters that really makes it impossible to be lonely or not have lots to do–especially when it comes at such a reasonable price range. Plus Thom’s theory is that RV people (and technically our park model is licensed as an rv) are much more friendly, active and outdoorsey than most. We think that is because when your place is small, you get outside MUCH more. No hiding out inside as much. So when the weather is nice here (and at least during the season it is nice!) then everyone is either sitting outside on their patios or walking or biking or?? At the same time we are thinking it isn’t too much either. People seem very respectful and if you just act like you are absorbed in your own world, people will let you be. So far it is a perfect combination. Of course, overall we’ve only been here a couple of months. I’ll let you know if it ever becomes too much! ~Kathy
Kathy – Sounds like you’ve found an amazing community! I laughed about the “mind-space to write” as I’ve often gotten so busy that writing, and other aspects of blogging, seem to take a back seat. I’ve found however, that I need to put “downtime” on my calendar, which often turns into reading or writing. Not sure what room that is, but time to not be doing is important to me. I had a slightly different take on rooms with my post last week – multi- hyphenate identity. While I didn’t go with the term, it made me realize how many aspects of me I do have…. in your metaphor, how many rooms – Blogger, gardener, crafter, cardio-drummer, yogi, philanthropist, reader, planner. Whew. I’m still working on the “tourist in our town” list I created when we moved here (2.5 years now!), and I love the idea of a TED Talk discussion group. I might need to explore that idea more!
Hi Pat! Thank you. We are definitely enjoying the “community” and it was a primary reason for buying where we did. While it has many of the same amenities as a co-housing community (which I’ve written about before) it is much less expensive. So far so good. And yes, I’m not at all surprised you are keeping yourself pretty busy! I’ll have to pop over and check out your blog post to see what you’ve been up too! Thanks for your comment! d ~Kathy
Hi Kathy 🙂
I love seeing you guys so happy. Your new lifestyle and home appear to be doing wonderful things for you both.
Thank you for sharing.
Hi Tracey! Nice to hear from you! I hope you are doing great yourself. Thanks for popping in here to say “Hi!” ~Kathy
Hi Kathy! I really enjoyed this post, especially since I have visited your new tiny home and saw all the wonderful things the community offers. I love the concept of having multiple “rooms” that support and sustain us and the importance of not barricading ourselves inside just one. I look forward to learning more about your 3-month commitment… I have a feeling you’ll consider it a success.
Hi Janis! I think you will be surprised at all the stuff we’ve done to our Park Model since you saw it last. It’s really coming together. And yes we are finding our “place” here in the community too and it offers more “rooms” than we even have time for. And although we made that initial 3-month commitment, we’ve already bought concert tickets for a date in April so we’ll go back to LQ for a week and then come back here for ??? When are you and Paul coming? We have a lot to show you! ~Kathy
Hi,
Good article. I’m very interested in all the details of the monthly Ted Talk discussion group. How do you decide what talks to select? Do you all watch the talk together? Do you have questions you develop in advance for the discussion? I think meaningful discussion among people who don’t know each other well is such a fulfilling way to spend time. I’d love to explore how we can do it more!
Thanks!
Hi Jackie! Thanks for asking. Doing a discussion group is as easy or difficult as you want to make it. We’ve been fortunate to be a part of several others in the past so it wasn’t that big a deal for us. Plus it helped that our community has rooms (with TV and chairs) so it was really just a matter of asking permission and getting it scheduled so that other residents would know about it. This community has over 400+ homes (with all the RVs) so we were more concerned that too many people would show up rather than not enough. 30 was easy and perfect. What we did is picked a TED talk we thought would appeal to a lot of people (there are 1,000s available online) and then showed it first after everyone showed up. I had made up a list of questions myself from watching the video and then after we watched it as a group we broke into two circles (Thom leading one and me the other) and I just asked the questions. I’ve had some practice running a “circle” before and so has Thom so that wasn’t a big deal. We did place a few ground rules like only one person speaking at a time, no arguing or fixing and no cross talk. Everyone was great. So far from our first one the feedback has been positive. We just signed up to do a total of one a month for 3 months but maybe in the future we’ll do more…
Give it a go…just make it up as you go along… ~Kathy