We’re back—not exactly home, but back. That might seem like a strange way to put it, but we aren’t exactly “home” just yet. We are however back on our home continent after spending several months in Europe. Our trip was great with no major problems. Everything flowed smoothly, we stayed healthy and enjoyed some wonderful sites and experiences. Also good was favorable weather, good food and nice people. Still, after several months of travel we were ready to come home. But where is our home now anyway?
Where we are now sleeping is in the mountains of California in a small town called Idyllwild. In many ways it does feel like home because we have rented this same house for a month or more every summer for the last 25 years. (You can read more here.) Because it basically looks nearly the same as it always has, returning here is like putting on a favorite sweatshirt and shorts. That feels very good. But it’s still not what most would call home.
Before driving up the mountain last week we spent several days in our tiny home in Tucson. After nearly 22 hours flying home from Ireland we just wanted to rest and get our body
clock back on that time zone. And rest we did as only one can do in your own familiar bed. Plus, unpacking was easy when you travel light. Our tiny home seemed quite spacious after all the small Airbnb’s we had stayed in over the summer. The problem was that it was still uncomfortably hot in Tucson. We anticipated that before leaving for the summer, so we knew we wouldn’t stay very long.
Five days after landing in Tucson we packed up and headed to our house in La Quinta, California. It too is very comfortable, and everything feels familiar. Our bed there is also a good fit—compared to all the bedding arrangements we faced during a summer of ten different locations! Superficially, it is really nice having an ice machine. Europeans are not big on ice! Little things like your trusty old Mr. Coffee and a shower that is spacious—again compared to some of the pint-sized enclosures with questionable water pressure we experienced over the summer! Unfortunately, as anticipated, it was also still very hot in La Quinta. I think it peaked at about 114 Fahrenheit. So once again I packed up and we headed to the mountains.
Please don’t get me wrong. I realize how fortunate I am to have choices. To travel to Europe where our weather was temperate and beautiful for over two months is a gift. Then to return and have choices about where we will plant ourselves for another month or so is equally privileged. But it got me thinking about what home means to me and why that feeling is so important to all of us.
If you do a little research, it becomes obvious that for most people home stands for “safety, security and comfort.’ Our sense of home impacts our mental health by our feelings of belonging and connectedness. For those of us fortunate enough, a home is where we can thrive by holding good memories in a safe and secure place to let us grow and imagine our future. I also read that many people tie their identity to their home in an either healthy or unhealthy way. i.e. If healthy it encourages growth while unhealthy can foster the desire to hoard.
At the same time our home also influences our physical health—the air we breathe, the water we drink, the stress levels we experience, including the risks or dangers associated with any particular house or location. If we are lucky our homes nurture us and allow us to be healthy and strong. If not, then the pressure, tension and unsafe surroundings can lesson our life span or threaten our mental state.
Based on my biased perspective, it seems that most people fall into one of two different categories when it comes to home and their attachment to it. One group of people seem to prefer to nest in their homes as much as possible. They are happiest when home and connected with their surroundings and the people/family they know. They cherish their memories of their home and avoid most travel. While they still occasionally take trips, they often make them relatively short and can’t wait to return home.
The other group, which I count myself a part of, are people who love to experience new places and travel. In fact, sometimes the anticipation of travel is as enjoyable as the trip itself. And if I stay home too long, I start getting antsy. Meeting new people, trying new food, figuring out public transportation and staying in all sorts of new (and often funky) places is all part of the excitement. While they/we appreciate coming home to where it’s more familiar and comfortable. Our need for adventure balances out most of our fear or worry about uncertainty or risk.
Of course, I do not underestimate the amount of comfort, security and yes, sense of home that I get just being with Thom. We often joke that home is wherever we are together. And we mean it. When we take our safety, belonging and comfort with us—then the location we find ourselves in can serve the role of adventure that we crave. Luckily both of us share that sense of adventure and don’t feel tied to any one location for long.
That is probably the big reason it is fairly easy for us to move around as much as we do. While we are slowly making Tucson our full time “home,” we still own the one in La Quinta and when it is not rented, we can stay there. We are extremely fortunate that the owners of the house here in Idyllwild have allowed us to stay in their property for all these years. But in the future? Who knows? We are not attached to any one home and its contents, so as they say, our home is where our heart is.
I found an essay written by author Phillip Moeller who boils it down to this: “It’s also wise to identify how important a sense of home and place is to you, and to maintain the level of domesticity that supports your well-being. For some, traveling with a favorite pillow and even bedside knick-knacks may help reduce stress and promote a good night’s sleep on the road. Other people, by contrast, could care less about where their head lands at the end of the day. Whatever your preferences, the goal is to be at peace with your surroundings.”
In other words, I think it is SMART to know what home means to you and what brings you the peace you need to be happy and content.
Kathy! Where has the time gone?! I was just reading some old blog posts looking for something and ran across a comment from you. Yikes, I just got busy since spring with family and gosh I don’t even know what. New book out in February and a new grandchild at the same time.
So I popped right over to your blog and caught up a bit. I had to laugh about your two kinds of people. After spending the first half of my adult life traveling and living all over, I moved here and plopped right down to stay. I joke that all my travels now are within. But I do enjoy traveling vicariously through your blog posts!
Loved Thom’s post and catching up. Subscribing right now so I’ll do a better job of keeping up.
Hi Galen! You have been busy but it sounds like it has been good stuff! And as a reader that follows your blog I’m so impressed at how you’ve kept up in spite of it all. Much better than me! Congrats again on your new book AND your new grandbaby! I’m also not as good as you at commenting so now that I’m planted in one place for a while I’m vowing I will go better. ~Kathy
Yes, home is where we are. My husband and I like to travel but we also like our creature comforts and spending time with our large families.
Sharing, laughing and eating are of high priority.
The best to all those in category 1 or 2. Enjoy
Hi Gary. Thanks for your thoughts on this. And it’s nice to realize our own “style” when it comes to travel and not try to make it something we’re not. Glad you had a good summer of travel yourself. ~Kahty
What an amazing trip! I have a renewed appreciation for home being “safety, security and comfort” as we upended ours during a recent move. It has left me feeling a little ungrounded as we create a new place to hold our lives. Welcome back!
Hi Marian! I’m hoping your new home brings you all the safety, security and comfort–as well as happiness and contentment–that you hope for. Enjoy it! ~Kathy
Fascinating Kathy. I think I want to be the adventurous kind and find in reality I’m not. For years I called myself a latent adventurer, thinking I should be an adventurer, should be travleing to all these must-see place. That was the assumption for an independent woman (which I was and still am), she should want to travel; your learn more when you travel, right. And I did travel for work quite a lot. And retirement is all about traveling the world, right? Especially if you can afford it, go see the world. Travel is almost expected in retirement – it’s almost always asked – where are you going this year?
I am not a solo adventurer, and thought that was the latent part of it… if I could just find someone who would just do it with me. And it did help and does help. But I am still decidedly uncomfortable with travel. And hubby is as well.
Yes, I know this is all full of the should’s! But I’m trying to come to terms with travel and me…and your post is stirring the pot.
And then there’s home being “safety, security and comfort”, which is definitely something I believe in and need. And we are without a home at the moment. And that is weighing hard on me.
Your post really hit two aspects of my life! And I wish I could work through them both more easily than I seem to be doing!
Hi Pat! Thanks for sharing your current thoughts on this. The good news? We are all allowed to change our minds if and/or when needed! I know from your blog that you are currently building a house. (your old one was destroyed) and now in that process. PLUS…I also heard that building a house together is one of the most stressful things a couple can face…so there’s that. But with that said, you do have a home of sorts–you are not living on the streets! And while it is not what you hope for and plan, it is a bed to sleep in. Plus, as I’ve contemplated this idea of “home” I’ve come to the conclusion that we decide (like most things in life.). How we define home and what it means to us really is our choice. Now I’ll admit that might be easier for some of us than others, but ultimately we all get to choose. And even then, things change. Nothing is permanent. Maybe that is why my word for the year was/is “surrender” (meaning surrender to the Isness) And that brings me back to travel cuz guess what? As good as our trip was there were numerous times that I had to remind myself to surrender to on a regular basis. Did it turn out okay? Yes, most of the time. But not always. And I was determined that I could surrender and still enjoy my time. That I did!
Anyway, with that said, even though I have always loved traveling I am now convinced that I don’t want to be a full-time “nomad.” I am currently appreciating the 50/50 version. Half the time we’ll stay at our tiny home in Tucson and 1/2 the time we will travel. (Of course chasing good weather is a BIG reason for that divide).
Of course, I’d heard that from other older people that there comes a time when travel just becomes too much for all sorts of reasons and they just stop. And I guess that “stop place” would be different for each of us.
Still, like I said in the post, we are all different so I think it is good for us to all figure out what brings us that sense of peace and belonging. Ultimately though, while a physical property can feel great and comfortable, we have to find that place of safety, security and comfort inside ourselves.
Thanks again for your thoughts on this Pat. And I believe intention is everything so you are well on your way to finding what you seek! ~Kathy
As i read your words I truly feel like your writing about my world. My husband and I arrived 5 days ago from the US and getting passed Jet Lag in Portugal before heading to Italy. We plan to travel around Europe for 2+ months with to real set plan..just see where the wind blows us. We were last here in 2020 and after 45days we reluctantly returned due to COVID restrictions. So here we are …off on another adventure! We figure we need to explore Europe while we’re still mobile because as you know Europe’s beautiful cobblestone, limestone and other unstable walkways can be challenging at times. Enjoy life is our motto ??
Hi Rita! Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this. And yes, it sounds like you are definitely in the “nomad” category–even more so than us. I follow a bunch of FB groups with nomads from around the world and I love their (and your) adventurousness. And yes to do it while we are fit and able. While we have definitely scaled down to a tiny house with minimal expenses so we can travel, we still plan to spend approximately 5-6 months in Tucson in our RV community. At this point in my life I was craving BOTH travel and community and that seems a bit more complicated when you are moving all year long (or at least we haven’t figured out how to do that!). Good for you enjoying Europe as much as you can while you can. May it satisfy all your needs in the days ahead. ~Kathy
Kathy, your posts always set me off on a journey of self-analysis. I need the familiar to truly appreciate the novelty of the unknown. Home is the safe space that I can always return to. By the same token and unwilling or perhaps scared to let go, it’s what holds me back from downsizing or even being away for more than a few weeks. Perhaps I fall between the two categories of people you identify; I love venturing out and exploring the unfamiliar, meeting new people and undertaking new experiences but there again, deep down, am I a closet home bird?
Hi Caree. I love how you say, “I need the familiar to truly appreciate the novelty of the unknown.” How true. If we don’t have contrast–we often fail to recognize or appreciate what we have. Coming home from our trip we were able to be so very thankful for all the little things we take for granted. And I understand some of your hesitation to let go of the familiar…but as I get older I am learning that everything is temporary and when we get too attached we will likely struggle from that in the future. I suppose if I’m completely honest, by far my biggest attachment is Thom. So who am I to judge anyone else’s??? And yes, there is a blog post in that conversation for sure!! ~kathy
It is great that you can experience all these different places and “homes” and pick what best suits your needs at a certain time if the year. This is a good topic to contemplate for me. What is home? We move almost every day and experience new things almost every hour. It’s rewarding but it’s exhausting. Our homes change with the kind of adventure we live, which is why it’s important to us that whichever camper or sailboat we own, it is as comfortable as possible, despite the compromises.
A good pillow is priceless! When I was younger and I saw people fly with their own pillow, I almost laughed out loud. Now, however, I could see myself traveling with my comfy pillow, if it wasn’t for our traveling light and needing stuff for our dog. 🙂
I guess for us, home is where we park (or anchor) it! The nicest thing about this lifestyle is that we can move when we don’t like it or stay when it pleases us. To some extent.
Hi Liesbet! Yes you are definitely and adventurous traveler. While you don’t have a typical home base to return to, you do have your camper. While it moves around in all sorts of unique places (South America this year!) you at least don’t have to repack your stuff and hall it around quite the same. There’s something to be said for that!! We are enjoying unpacking and enjoying the same bed for a month and if we had a camper/trailer/motorhome we could do that–but it just isn’t our thing. Like so many things in life, we are all different and love and appreciate things that others don’t. That’s what makes life interesting though…don’t you think! Looking forward to watching where you “home” yourself in the future. ~Kathy
Welcome “home”!
Thanks Deb! We need to chat again soon and try to coordinate travel plans. ~Kathy