Kelley Kosow and her new book The Integrity Advantage
Most of the time I consider myself to be a very trustworthy and honest person. I do what I say I will do and typically say what I do without hesitation. But a new book I just finished has me digging a bit deeper around issues of honesty, trust and self-awareness. According to author Kelley Kosow, every one of us holds our own key to The Integrity Advantage. All we have to do is get naked, drop the BS, and embrace the wholeness that comes from living true to ourselves.
That sounds simple enough, right? Unfortunately, a big problem is that most of the time when we think about trust and honesty we focus on other people—not ourselves. The nightly news is filled with examples of others who lie and cheat, and that keeps our attention fixated on them instead of the little (or sometimes big!) white lies we tell ourselves. As long as we keep pointing fingers at other people who we believe are doing something wrong, we avoid taking a hard look at where our own actions might be out of alignment. Ultimately as Kosow says, “The reason we don’t trust others is because, deep down, we don’t trust ourselves.”
I don’t think the majority of us intend to out-and-out lie about anything—especially to ourselves. But what happens is that we frequently “step over our truth” as Kosow calls it. She believes that any time we allow our attachment to a checklist, our desire to be loved, or our fear of change to hold us back or keep us from living our deepest hopes, then we are stepping over our truth. And that includes any time we bite our own tongue. According to Kosow, “The Integrity Advantage is about starting to live life on your own terms. It’s about facing the fear, shame and false beliefs that caused you to get into those situations in the first place and then starting to live your life according to you and from the inside out—because you are the only expert on you.”
Kosow offers a very personal story about how she lived without integrity for much of her early adult life. In a quest to have the “perfect life” that she envisioned for herself, she put on a “happy” face and stepped over her truth on a regular basis. Even when she knew better, she married a man that she knew deep down she didn’t love—all because they “looked” really good together, and it should have been a good match. It took her three children and thirteen years of denial before she was willing to accept and own her lack of integrity. She also reveals how her continual overeating was a way to self-medicate the pain of an unwillingness to tell the truth to herself about all sorts of issues.
What finally helped her get honest? It would be nice to think there was one easy and clear step to putting an end to self-deceit, but from what I can tell it appears to be a “process” of more and more self-awareness through time. Gradually Kosow’s unhappiness led her to begin analyzing all the ways she was self-sabotaging. As expected, throughout her book Kosow shares practices that worked for her and the other people she coaches. Here are a few ideas I thought were most helpful:
- At its core, the integrity that Kosow calls for is more about becoming whole than it is about honesty. Learning to trust ourselves and listening to that still small voice within (rather than being guided by other people or society) is essential. The more guided we are by that voice within, the more we automatically speak the truth to ourselves and others.
- Kosow believes we all have an internal GPS. She calls that GPS an “Integrity Alignment Monitor” or the “I AM.” This I AM shows us how to live in alignment with what we know deep down is right for us. On the flip side, it steers us away from living a conflicted, disjointed and insecure life.
- It is beneficial to recognize and understand our “shadow side.” Our shadow sides are those parts of ourselves that we disown. Kosow says, “…the shadow represents parts of ourselves that we want to reject. Fearing that others will find out that at our core we possess ‘negative’ qualities, we whittle away at those parts and create facades and personas to prove we are not the things we dislike.”
- As “meaning making machines” we are all continually writing a story about our life and experience. We just frequently forget that we are the ones fabricating the story, and that if something isn’t working for us, we can rewrite it. That includes even the most complicated story we have ever created about why we can’t be true to ourselves.
- One of the worst stories we can tell ourselves centers around ideas of shame. If we tell the story that we are fundamentally flawed, need fixing, must hide and dull down our desires, then we will never allow ourselves to live whole and completely ourselves.
- Fear is another story that paralyzes and separates us from our true self. Any story of fear that we repeatedly tell ourselves keeps us frozen in states of inaction and unhappiness.
- One of the worst and most limiting stories we can tell ourselves is that we are a victim. Instead, as Kosow says, “…when we vow to live a life of integrity, we commit to live a life of radical responsibility. We acknowledge that our life is in our hands.”
- Kosow is an advocate of the idea that there are no accidents—only gifts to greater awareness. She says, “Our outer world holds up a mirror, and an invitation to look within. It gives us an opportunity to see how we need to change and grow. As we shift our inner world, the outer world will follow.”
- In order to be completely honest with ourselves, we need to “get naked.” No, that doesn’t mean we need to remove our clothes, only our DENIAL. She says that DENIAL stands for
- Don’t
- Even
- Notice
- I
- Am
- Lying
- Living the Integrity Advantage requires that we let go of the BS we’ve used on ourselves and others. Anytime we are wearing a perfectly packaged persona we are not being true to ourselves. Anytime we drown ourselves in work, activities, technology, stuff, other people’s needs, social media, food, alcohol, television, etc. we are using them as distractions that keep us unconscious, preoccupied and out of integrity.
- Other forms of BS we use are equally disempowering. Kosow says, “We need to recognize that underneath all the trying, excuses, justifications, rationalizations, and self-sabotaging behaviors lie an army of limiting beliefs, fears, laziness, self-doubt, and insecurities that undermine our resolve and keep us stuck and out of integrity.”
- The first step in living the Integrity Advantage is accepting the truth of what is happening right now and our place in it all.
- Remembering that integrity is about wholeness, we must learn to “use it all and claim our completeness.” As Kosow says, “To release yourself from the prison of the past and the paralysis of pessimism, you need to find the gift of the situation, circumstance or quality that you are beating yourself up for.” If we can arrive at a place where we see our circumstances as gifts and that “everything is happening for the evolution of your soul” then we use it for our edification and growth.
- “Remember, life is not happening to you, it is happening for you.”
Like most books I read, I didn’t agree with everything that Kelley Kosow teaches. But the process of exploring The Integrity Advantage did make me take a look at parts of my life where I have avoided 100% honesty—with myself and others. No matter how trustworthy we think we are, I think we all carry around certain stories that limit us, hold us back, disconnect us from others, trigger our fears, cause us to doubt ourselves, or wake us up in the middle of the night. Perhaps what those issues are isn’t as important as the awareness that we have them, a willingness to see them in a new light, and a desire to take action to move closer to integrity.
I also agree, as Kosow says, “…integrity is inside of each of us. It is not something that we have to do but who we are. And most importantly it is not a destination but a way of life!” Surely, the SMART approach is to remember that the path to a happy and meaningful life is living daily within our own integrity.
Your turn! What do you think? Are you always completely honest with others or yourself? If yes, what advice would you offer the rest of us?
As with many things, it is easier to talk about living a life of integrity than to actually do it. Some years ago, I found myself in a new job in a new organization where I was pressured to act in ways that did not align with my values. I wanted to do a good job and be successful in this new, challenging role. There was a steep learning curve, and I blamed myself for not “getting it.” It took me quite a long time to realize that the reason I was so conflicted was not that I was a slow learner (failing), but rather because some of the expected behaviours were inconsistent with my internal sense of integrity. Once I began to realize that, I tried to bring integrity back to the foreground in work decisions. But the work culture was so dysfunctional and my supervisor’s demands so powerful that I finally realized that I could not be the employee they wanted me to be and still live with myself. Because of that realization, I ultimately took my career in a different direction. I had to (re)learn to trust myself — that little voice in the heart.
Jude
Hi Jude! You are so correct! Far easier to talk about (and write about!) than to actually do it. As the book explained, some people get so far down the rabbit hole that they don’t even realize that their life is built on half-truths or unexpressed needs. Every drama we see in the movies or on TV (and many books) tell the tale but when it comes to our own lives, it is challenging to admit that we are anything like that. I’m guessing that most of the people who read SMART Living on a regular basis are more awake and aware than the average person so we’ve hopefully peeled back the onion more than others. But it is still SMART to keep reminding each other don’t you think? Thanks again for your excellent example of how this works. ~Kathy
This post resonated with me. I live 6 month of the year as a snowbird. My friends are very different in Arizona than those in Oregon. I have always worried about how I dress…I know that is silly but people in Oregon dress in browns and blacks and mix shorts with big coats and ski hats. Arizona is all about color and pretending it is summer year around.
It finally occurred to me that I was trying to be someone I was not. I cannot tell you how freeing that realization was. Shedding the pretenses is a wonderful feeling. I am a good person and I like myself. Why not act like it?
Thank you.
Hi Barbara! Thank you so much for sharing such a great example of how we can “skip over our truth” on some of the little things without even being consciously aware of it. Good for you for finding your own “style” and liberating yourself by recognizing your truth. I think sometimes it is the little things that all add up, and before we know it, we can’t even remember what we like or want because we are so used to doing what others expect. From my perspective, this growing awareness is one of the best benefits of aging wouldn’t you agree? Thanks again for such a great example. ~Kathy
I think sometimes I can be brutally honest and at work, my staff became afraid of me (I found out later). My temperament allows me to be candid, too much so, and I have to dial it back. When I found out my staff had issues with me, I asked them simply, “why didn’t you talk to me or tell me?” Perhaps their own integrity and honesty were suspect (and it was, in hindsight). For people I do not know well, I’m like Liesbet, I’m not going there. Someone I know and love? I’ll use my “words” and carefully tell them whatever the issue is. Always seems to work best in the long run. Thanks for sharing your insights on the book, Kathy!
Hi Terri! While sometimes truth-telling can seem a bit “abrupt,” I think it is still best in the long run. Of course, learning how to communicate that with others in the best way possible is also a sign of kindness to yourself and those around you. It sounds like you have learned how to do that pretty well. I’m still a work in progress. 🙂 Sometimes my mouth gets ahead of my thoughts and that isn’t always a good thing! Thank you for sharing your insights! ~Kathy
Where I have the hardest time with integrity and honesty is when it comes to others and I know I would hurt them by being very truthful about something. With friends, there is usually a way to approach this, but with acquaintances, it might not be worth the “effort” or possibility to offend. I think, if we are all honest, that each of us has certain times of lacking integrity. But, I also think that often, in those cases, we might have weighed the pros and cons about our behavior.
In general, I”m a pretty honest and straightforward person. Maybe too much, sometimes. 🙂
Hi Liesbet! I so agree. Recognizing that fine line is very difficult. But one thing I think the book points out is that often our hesitancy to tell the truth to others is more about “us” than them. What I mean by that is that we don’t tell them the truth because it would make us really uncomfortable put us in an awkward state where we would need to explain ourselves (or at least we feel we would). I know I’ve avoided the truth rather than just speak up because I might worry that the other person “can’t take it” or that they will think I’m a mean person (and not love/like me anymore??). Instead, we often “swallow” our truth and thereby tell ourselves that we are doing it for them when perhaps we are really doing it for ourselves. It certainly made me question my “motives” when I tell the truth or when I “avoid” the truth. That doesn’t, of course, mean that we should be brutally honest no matter what, but I do think it’s important that we have the self-awareness of the choice when we do. Thanks for your thoughts on this Liesbet! ~Kathy
A great review, as usual, Kathy. However, as someone who has been ‘working on myself’ for more years than I care to remember, I think I would find the contents of this book a bit repetitive, mirroring what has been said about this theme many times before. That’s not to say it won’t be useful to many others—I’m sure it will be. And yes, this author no doubt brings her fresh perspective to the issues she has discussed. But it’s a personal decision to stay clear of self-development books such as Kosow’s for a while.
Hi Diane! I completely understand. Much of the book is for people just waking up to their own self-awareness. Many of the stories told were about how the author and other women were finally deciding to listen to themselves instead of seeking it outside of themselves. Kosow is the new CEO of The Ford Institute that was founded by the late Debbie Ford. As you probably know, Debbie Ford was a teacher of how the human “shadow” plays such a large part in a person’s self-development. Thom and I studied that years ago ourselves, but I was curious about what Kosow had to say about it. As I mentioned to Donna, I’m not sure I would have purchased the book myself either at this stage in my life, but I was curious enough to check it out. She certainly has a few insightful ways of sharing information and more than anything I found many of the ideas excellent reminders for living a SMART Life–and I also hope that my blog posts are helpful to people when making that “personal decision” to read or not read anything I write about! Thanks for your thoughts. ~Kathy
Thanks for understanding, Kathy! Your blog posts, by the way, ALWAYS contribute to my well-being. As you say, everyone should take away what they need from each book and idea you discuss.
Hi Diane. Of course. I love it when readers bring up different perspectives. It helps us all think about the issues and decide for ourselves. Thank YOU for being part of such a discussion! ~Kathy
Hi, Kathy – I very much enjoyed this review. Like you, I fully agree “integrity is not a destination but a way of life.” Thank you for sharing this.
Hi Donna! Glad you enjoyed it. A real gift of blogging these days is the offer of review copies of books that I may or may not have picked up myself if not offered. This book was one of them. ~Kathy
I love it when people use their own experience to be honest about their views on life. I have been listening to a book THIS IS BELIEVE, which is a gathering of short essays that have appeared on NPR. It is fascinating to watch people analyze their lives and find a belief that gets them through the BS. Integrity is individual. And it is inside each of us.
Hi Beth! That sounds like an interesting book. I believe it is so important for us to all come up with a “belief” or story that empowers them and gives them hope and courage. I also tend to believe like Abraham-Hicks says on a regular basis, “Belief is just a series of thoughts that we’ve been thinking for a very long time.” Of course, if those thoughts, story or beliefs are disempowering or causing stress, worry or worse, then maybe it’s time for a change. But as you say, that is individual and we are the ones who get to choose. Thanks for those ideas. ~Kathy
A great summary of her book: GPS an “Integrity Alignment Monitor” or the “I AM.”
Hi Gary! Thank you…and yes, her name for our internal GPS is very catchy! ~Kathy
I think being self reflective is a tough thing but obviously a good thing to lead a life we want. Great review Kathy.
Hi Haralee! I guess in some odd way I enjoy being self-reflective…but yeah, it isn’t always easy! Still, when I consider the opposite it is really so much better in the long run, right? Kelley tells some great stories in the book about people who have obviously ignored their “real selves” for far too long. And while the transitions can be difficult, they prove that it is worth the effort. What’s more difficult for me is the “little” untruths that seem kinder to just not say. I think we all have to decide if those little untruths we don’t say to others compromises us too much or not. Clearly only something that each of us can decide. ~Kathy
I gave up the “victim” role a long time ago. I take responsibility for my role in how I let life play out around me and to me. I have been told – “you’re too independent for your own good” by a husband; “it makes me mad when you say what you’re going to do and then you do it” and “don’t you think you should worry about what people think?” by my mother. I have found that one must be willing to stand alone when speaking the truth to yourself and others.
Hi Mona! I think giving up the idea of being a victim is one of the best things we can do–although sometimes I really wish I COULD blame others for certain things!!! Still, if we don’t accept responsibility for our part in anything we are experiencing, then we are helpless and without hope. And that is a far worse condition IMHO. Thanks for pointing out how your mother (and many other mothers) often plant little seeds in our heads when we are young and unable to logically understand them. Sometimes it takes a LONG time to dig them out and let them go. And yes, I agree that sometimes you do have to stand alone to speak your truth, but hopefully the empowerment you receive is worth the effort. Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this. ~Kathy
Wow…you are a great writer and reviewer!
I look forward to reading this book on your recommendation alone.
Thank you for sharing??
Oops–the thumbs up emoticon appears as a “??”…which was not my intention.
(I have been actively focusing on dropping thoughts of fear and shame and exposing my true self to others. It has taken time but is also incredibly liberating)
Hi Karen! Thank you. I’m glad you enjoyed the review. And yes, my emoticon are a bit strange but I don’t know how to fix them. And good for you for letting go of fear and shame. I don’t care who we are, there are always little pieces of that hanging around that deserve a look so we can move past. Thanks for your comment (s) !!! ~Kathy