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What’s Wrong With Looking Older When You Are Older?

By Kathy Gottberg
Filed under: Aware, Meaningful

Right around March 1, 2020 I colored my hair for the last time.  It wasn’t planned.  I have been coloring my own hair for so many years now I can’t even remember when I first started.  Fortunately because my hair was light brown to begin with, when gray started showing up back in my 40s it was easy to just go with lighter hair color—out of the box.  I liked the way it looked, was pretty easy to do, and didn’t cost much.  Why not?  Then COVID 19 hit.  About six weeks later when I would normally recolor it, I paused.  Was it necessary to bother at all, at least until the pandemic was over?  Now, 12 months later I am completely gray.  With one vaccine shot in my arm and things looking better, the question is coming up again: Do I want to stay gray or go back to blond?  Perhaps more importantly are the questions behind that question: Does gray hair automatically mean I look old?  If yes, then what is wrong with looking older anyway—especially when I sort of am?

I suppose I should admit that I never thought I would become a gray-haired woman.  Not because I think anything is wrong with it, but because I didn’t think I would look good with it.  I remember my mother as her hair became almost white in older years and I didn’t like it.  I never wanted that color and convinced myself that with my complexion it wouldn’t look good.  Sure some people have gorgeous gray hair and look fabulous in it.  Me?  Not likely.

Now I have something real to compare it to.  My hair is not white, has some nice highlights, and I think it looks fine with my complexion.  It takes a little getting used to in the mirror—and for obvious reasons when I look at myself I have to accept that I look older.  So what does a veteran rightsizer do?  I did a T-Chart listing the positives and negatives.

On the benefit side to staying with my natural gray:

  • I’m happier with the color my hair is now than I ever thought I would be once it was all gray.
  • It is much easier to maintain (I don’t have to color it every four to six weeks).
  • It doesn’t cost anything. Even coloring it myself didn’t cost a fraction of what some women pay to maintain colored hair—but it still came with a cost.
  • Thom says he likes it as much or even more than me being a blond. He looks at me more than anyone so his opinion does matter to me.
  • It is likely much healthier to not put chemicals on my head every month for many, many years.
  • The few people I have been around in the last 365 days hardly seemed to notice I was going gray. That tells me that most of the people who care about me accept me and my age as it is—and aren’t analyzing my looks anyway.

On the negative side for not coloring my hair:

  • One morning after not sleeping well I looked at my tired face in the mirror. I looked old and it caught me by surprise.  Of course let’s face it, after a bad night I would look old no matter what my hair color.
  • Even though I’m much, much better about not caring what other people think, I still wonder if it makes me look older to others.
  • Why should that even be a thing?

After last week’s blog post, I have been thinking a lot more about what I want to experience in my next 20-30 years.  I’m actually happy I am 65 years old (yay Medicare!) and never denied what I consider the many benefits to being this age. So that got me asking myself even more questions.  At the very core it comes back to:

  • Do I have to look younger to look good? This applies to women AND men. I get that we all want to do our best to look good as we age (at least most of us do!) The thing is, does looking younger automatically mean that we look better?  Clearly some people look gorgeous even at an advanced age and others just age with character and grace.
  • Is it delusional to think that we can fool others about our age? I live near the Palm Springs area of California and it is filled with examples of people who seldom fool anyone—yet they spend enormous amounts of money, time and effort trying to alter their looks to keep up a more youthful image. Are any of us really “fooled?” Let’s face it—we look the way we look.
  • Do I need to “market” myself by looking younger? Am I in the entertainment industry and need to look younger just to keep working? Is it harder to get (and keep) some jobs if you don’t look younger?  Am I doing it to attract (or keep) a lover—and if yes, do looks matter more to me than personality? If the answer to those is a no—then maybe it is time to embrace my looks and my body as it is? If the answer is yes, that’s an entirely different subject.
  • It all boils down to the obvious final questions: Why are many of us so obsessed with looking younger than our age? What is wrong with looking older when you are older?

 

As the author of a book on positive aging, I still strongly believe that how we feel about aging matters.  At 65 I don’t think of myself as old, but let’s face it—I am getting older. Plus I am almost positive that the people who know me (especially those much younger than me) consider me to be old(er) anyway.  In the end, all my research about aging says that doesn’t matter what other people think nearly as much as what I think about myself. So yes, the biggest question about whether to color my hair is to ask myself if I feel good about how I look either way.  And it’s always more about how I/we feel about ourselves, than how I/we actually look.

I think it is also a great commentary about the obsession with youth in our culture.  Even when we don’t think we have an ageism bias,  it pops up around questioning how we look as we get older (at least it did to me.)  I would far rather be known as a person who stayed happy, interesting and vibrantly alive until the day I pass, than someone who was constantly admired for “looking good” or “younger than her age” as she aged.

Of course I’m not suggesting we all “go gray.” I might actually wake up tomorrow and die my hair orange—so it’s not really about the color. But ultimately I think it is good to ask ourselves: am I spending a lot of time, money and effort trying to look and appear younger? Why? And am I really fooling anyone? In the end I want to remind myself that it is neither my aging body, my hair color or my clothes that define the real me or my value. Plus I think it is probably SMART to be content with the looks of your older self when you are gradually getting older!

 

 

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52 Comments

Comments

  1. Jamie says

    March 7, 2021 at 4:15 PM

    Hi Kathy
    Actually not sure what my hair color is. I was coloring it auburn and it felt good to do so. But only 2x in the past year. More than color, my hair has grown much longer. I am tempted to let the natural color continue which includes auburn and several other colors now and tempted to let it be long. It has been decades that I could put it up during the summer or when very active. My hair grows very fast and thus I was going every 5 weeks to have it colored and cut. At first I missed the visits but as Covid infections skyrocketed and salons opened the fear of infecting my loved ones outweighed the desire. Now I don’t miss it. I need a trim but I don’t trust my husband to cut it. He needs new glasses and we still have to get our 2nd vaccine shot. Once he can get out safely to get glasses I can do likewise and get that trim

    Reply
  2. Megan says

    March 5, 2021 at 3:51 PM

    You look beautiful with your hair as it is in this picture! Thanks for sharing this.

    Reply
  3. Kate Sullivan says

    February 28, 2021 at 11:45 AM

    Thanks for your comments, Kathy. Totally agree with making peace with how we look rather than how we’re expected to look and TRYING to be something we’re not. That being said, and me being a redhead — therein lies the problem. I have a saying, “Old redheads never die; they just fade away.”
    There’s nothing worse than a faded out head of red hair. So I continue to dye, mostly because it just makes me feel better. But I have marveled at the new “looks” I see among my friends who have decided to ‘go gray.” Lovely, stunning. Good for them.

    Reply
    • Kathy Gottberg says

      March 1, 2021 at 8:01 AM

      Hey Kate! I love red hair and always wish I had it…at one point my hair was reddish but I think it was just a bad dye job!! And yes, it (red) is usually dark so that transition time makes it tricky for sure. Like I said in the post, I doubt I would have even tried it if I hadn’t realized I wasn’t going to be seeing very many people anyway so that made it easier for me to do it. It certainly is all about how we feel about how we look AND how we are really feeling about getting older. If both are positive then why not go with hair color you choose? ~Kathy

      Reply
  4. Tom at Sightings says

    February 28, 2021 at 5:25 AM

    This is not my field of expertise. I can only report that my wife B has been talking for years about stopping coloring her hair. This past year she didn’t stop; instead she changed the color of her hair, from lighter blonde to a more “honest” light brown. (But I didn’t tell you this!)

    Reply
    • Kathy Gottberg says

      February 28, 2021 at 11:06 AM

      Hi Tom! Careful! Some women are sensitive about things like that. Fortunately it wasn’t a biggie to me and in fact Thom was my proud helper when I still colored it myself. We called him Tome’ and he would tell everyone who seemed interested! And who knows about B? Maybe she just needs her own Tome’! 🙂 ~Kathy

      Reply
  5. Jennifer says

    February 28, 2021 at 2:39 AM

    Complex issue. I’m not yet 60 and have been gray for several years now. The kind of gray everyone comments on and my hairdresser wishes she had. And I’m bored. Hair to me has always been an accessory. Something to cut, or style, or color as one wished. I’ve basically had every color, including the pastels, and I’ve been gray the longest.

    My hair has never stayed just one color so long. I was born with black hair. Very black, the only one in the family, except my father. Then by the time I was two or three, my hair was blonde. From then until my early 20’s it slowly went darker every year until I was a brunette. And then I started coloring it once I got a gray patch growing out of the side of my head. I even had bright red hair at one point in my life and I loved it. I used to change something, either the color or the style, every six months.

    But, now as we’re coming out of the pandemic, I’m thinking of coloring my hair again. I’ve got that itch and I must do something. I need to change my accessories.

    Reply
    • Kathy Gottberg says

      February 28, 2021 at 11:03 AM

      Hi Jennifer! I agree that mixing up hair color can be fun. But every time I think about it seems like too much hassle (for me at least!) I really am a low-maintenance gal so while I will experiment with hair cuts that’s about as far as I will go. Probably the only thing that kept me going with coloring it was that it was so easy and didn’t have to be done that often. Now I’m REALLY getting used to it not being a “thing” so it will be difficult to go back. But who knows? If I get restless enough I just might try something new! And I would LOVE to see what color you decide to try next!!! ~Kathy

      Reply
  6. Bethany @ Happily Loco says

    February 27, 2021 at 11:53 PM

    Yes, Kathy, I am writing a comment on your blog at 2 am here! Apparently, Covid (yes, I am symptomatic now…but all things work together for good) is giving me the sleeping habits of a college student… 😉

    I have gone back and forth on the hair issue. I let it go natural about 8 years ago, before moving to Texas, but I was bummed that all I had were silver highlights! I got bored and dyed it bright red, then pink, then blonde, then green, and now it’s back to its natural color! I still just have silver highlights, but I feel like I need to be kind to my hair for awhile!

    The first thing I thought when I saw your picture was that your skin looks a lot brighter with the gray hair! I like it! And meh, age is just a number. I’m looking forward to getting to see old age, after all I have been through and overcome to get there. 🙂

    And congrats on getting your vaccine! I will let you know if you are missing out on anything fun, by not getting to have Covid…

    Reply
    • Kathy Gottberg says

      February 28, 2021 at 10:56 AM

      Hi Bethany! Darn, I hope your symptoms aren’t too severe. We know a number of people who have had it and come through fairly easily–others not so much. May your experience be the easy one. And no, I won’t mind missing that experience AT ALL!

      Thank you for the compliment on my skin. Unfortunately I sat in the sun WAY TOO much so my skin is showing the effects. The dermatologist just says, “Tsk, tsk” and checks me out regularly. And actually in the photo my hair looks lighter than it is inside…it was a really bright day out…hence the sunglasses. And yes I completely agree that our age number does not define us at all! ~Kathy

      Reply
  7. Caree Risover says

    February 27, 2021 at 12:01 PM

    I stopped having my hair dyed when I retired, save for highlights to transition to grey gradually. I absolutely love the final product with natural white hair amongst the grey mix. It always surprises me too just how many friends ask if it’s natural or coloured. Ultimately are we the age we are, the age we feel or the age we look?

    Reply
    • Kathy Gottberg says

      February 27, 2021 at 3:16 PM

      hi Caree! Good questions. You can probably guess that I think we are “the age we feel.” I never want my age to be determined by how I look, the numbers on a calendar nor the expectations of others, and I’m guessing you feel the same. My only regret is that I didn’t see how I played along with many acts of ageism until I reached these ages. Makes me wonder how I will “feel” about all this in 10, 15, 20 years? I certainly hope to find out! ~Kathy

      Reply
  8. Ezme says

    February 27, 2021 at 8:22 AM

    It has always been interesting to watch how we women are shaped and motivated by what we perceive makes us look better. Doing a Film Studies course right now has reminded me of the feminist concept of the “male gaze” and how often women subtlety pressure other women in to conforming to the fashion of the day – for men. The best part of being older is being able to laugh at all that fashion and style nonsense of the marketplace, and work on what’s inside and how we show up to make a difference in the world we live in – whatever colour our hair is – or, so it seems to me.

    Reply
    • Kathy Gottberg says

      February 27, 2021 at 3:12 PM

      Hi Ezme. Yes! Isn’t it true that all of us, men AND women can put that pressure out there? And I suppose because I equate so much to rightsizing, it is similar when it comes to either conforming or not conforming to what society has decided is important and desirable, wouldn’t you say? Whether I have gray hair or not should be because it makes me feel good about myself, just like having the size of home I like and can easily afford is exactly the same. But if instead we spend all our time trying to live up to other people’s expectations, so much so that we forget what is even important to us, we can easily be manipulated. Hopefully by the time you get to our age we can pull away from those societal expectations and be the person we came here to be. ~Kathy

      Reply
  9. Liesbet says

    February 27, 2021 at 6:48 AM

    I’m all for the natural look – when you’re young or old. We should appreciate our own beauty without faking anything. But, that’s just my opinion, from the one who never colors her hair, gets het nails done, or wears make-up. 🙂 Besides, it is bad for you and works in ironic ways – I just left a similar comment to Janis’s post who covers a similar topic this week.

    My digital diary these weeks asks me a question every day. I decided to answer them as they are often introspective and let me share thoughts and facts that I otherwise wouldn’t think about. Yesterday’s question was: what do you see in the mirror? That’s when “aging” continues to be a part in my day… 🙂

    Reply
    • Kathy Gottberg says

      February 27, 2021 at 3:08 PM

      Hi Liesbet! Yes isn’t it great that Janis wrote about the exact same topic this week? We didn’t collaborate, promise! And too me it is all about being introspective and trying to figure out why I act and do and think the way I do. Of course it’s often got my mind overthinking 🙂 but that’s pretty much the way I roll. And I find it refreshing to be around others like you who just stays true to yourself regardless of what others may think or do. As far as I’m concerned, that is an extremely admirable quality and will continue to serve you as you age. ~Kathy

      Reply
  10. Mona R McGinnis says

    February 27, 2021 at 5:56 AM

    A friend refers to her grey hair as “chromed”.

    Reply
    • Kathy Gottberg says

      February 27, 2021 at 3:03 PM

      Hi Mona! I like the idea of being “chromed!” Especially after becoming an official “crone” just before the pandemic! ~Kathy

      Reply
  11. Leanne | www.crestingthehill.com.au says

    February 27, 2021 at 12:11 AM

    I’m still pretty much the same hair colour as I’ve always been – I just get the hairdresser to throw in a few blonde hilights to blend any grey hairs in. If I was predominantly grey I’d then decide what to do – there’s nothing worse than that big grey stripe down the part line of women who are trying desperately to keep dyeing back to their younger hair colour.
    I think I might go randomly rainbow – I’ll certainly be throwing in a burst of colour here or there to make the grey process fun. I think you have a lovely shade of grey so why not celebrate it?

    Reply
    • Kathy Gottberg says

      February 27, 2021 at 1:44 PM

      Hi Leanne! I too cringe a bit at the sight of that white strip going through some women’s hair–especially when it is dark hair. My older sister had that–darker hair and every time she didn’t color her hair frequently it would look worse and worse. Then she’d get it done (and spend a lot of money too) and start all over again. I tried to (in my subtle way) to encourage her to just let it grow or at least go a lighter color so it wouldn’t show so much, especially after she got really sick. But she wouldn’t hear of it. She had her hair done again just a couple of week’s before she passed. My only explanation is that her hair color meant A LOT more to her than it did to me. And obviously that was her choice. As for doing a burst of color here and there, part of me likes the idea but then I’d be back to fussing with it and in case you can’t tell…I am just not a fusser about my appearance enough to go down that road. But I do enjoy seeing it on others. ~Kathy

      Reply
  12. Janet Mary Cobb says

    February 26, 2021 at 6:33 PM

    Kathy – another great post! I love the way you share your thought process! I only dyed my hair and wore makeup for a few years – but gave it up quickly. The entire process went against every fiber of my being (which is part of my TEDx talk I mentioned in my last blog post). I don’t begrudge anyone who enjoys doing so – as I say, lots of ways to do life – but I resist that we should be expected to look a certain way – and as you say, it speaks to society’s obsession with “youth.”

    Reply
    • Ezme says

      February 27, 2021 at 8:25 AM

      I like your way of thinking! Imma check out that Ted Talk.

      Reply
      • Janet Mary Cobb says

        February 27, 2021 at 2:40 PM

        Thanks Ezme – the talk hasn’t aired yet – but I’ll let you know when it does.

        Reply
        • Ezme says

          February 28, 2021 at 8:29 AM

          Great! Looking forward.

          Reply
    • Kathy Gottberg says

      February 27, 2021 at 1:36 PM

      Hi Janet! Isn’t that a real key? “I resist that we should be expected to look a certain way” regardless of our age. In 2021 I think most of us have been through enough life that we ought to have the real freedom to be truly ourselves. As you say, there are LOTS of ways to do life. At the same time, I think many of us unconsciously make choices based upon the opinions of others AND upon the direction of advertisers without even being aware of that choice. So is it REALLY a choice? I sure don’t have the answers but I suspect that more times than not other people are just following the “directions” for what a amounts to society at the times version of the “perfect woman.” what do you think? ~Kathy

      Reply
      • Janet Mary Cobb says

        February 27, 2021 at 2:43 PM

        I do think that is how it goes Kathy — we too often allow society to dictate what is “acceptable” and “perfect”. But I’ve tried to resist most of my life – for better or worse, I guess.

        Reply
  13. Gary Lange says

    February 26, 2021 at 5:02 PM

    Most people spend way more energy worrying about what other people see, say and think about us than we do. It is good to talk about it, and YES, we are aging and aging changes the body…oh well…

    Reply
    • Kathy Gottberg says

      February 27, 2021 at 12:19 PM

      Hi Gary. You are so-o-o right! And yes, as far as aging goes it is very good to talk about aging because if we consider the opposite…. 🙂 ~Kathy

      Reply
  14. Janis @ retirementallychallenged.com says

    February 26, 2021 at 4:41 PM

    I think this past year has given many of us – who might not have even thought about it – the opportunity to embrace their natural color. Society puts such pressure on us to look younger… and we, in turn, go along with it. I like your gray and I’m enjoying the process also. I reserve the right to change my mind but, for now, I’m happy.

    Reply
    • Kathy Gottberg says

      February 27, 2021 at 12:18 PM

      Hi Janis! How sychronistic that you and I wrote about the same topic this week! I’m hoping that when people read yours the can tell that we didn’t take from each other, just offered our perspectives. I too like your color (and you took better photos that Thom did!) but isn’t it nice to be happy with the way we look right now? Oh, and for others who want Janis’ perspective, here it is: https://retirementallychallenged.com/2021/02/25/like-a-natural-woman/ ~Kathy

      Reply
  15. Amanda @AnDweplant.com says

    February 26, 2021 at 3:48 PM

    Hi Kathy! I love this post. I had a moment looking in the mirror at my graying hair thinking I needed a dye job but then I smiled and realized it wasn’t my hair it was the frown on my face making me look old. LOL

    Your hair is beautiful I see why it makes you happier. Your Boo Thom liking the gray over the blond is too awesome!

    Reply
    • Kathy Gottberg says

      February 27, 2021 at 11:39 AM

      Hi Amanda! I completely agree that a smile on our faces is far more attractive than any amount of color (or makeup or anything for that matter) could ever be! And I do consider myself fortunate that Thom has been completely encouraging. While I would have done it anyway, his support meant a lot to me. I imagine that if my partner or anyone I was in long term relationship with felt differently (younger, prettier, etc) it might have been harder. Of course, I likely wouldn’t be with that kind of a person to begin with!!! 🙂 ~Kathy

      Reply
  16. Jackie Grant says

    February 26, 2021 at 2:34 PM

    As a two time cancer survivor, I’m trying to live life in as non-toxic a way as possible. I used to color from a box every 6 weeks too, but those days are gone. Chemicals on your head every six weeks definitely don’t belong to the anti-cancer lifestyle!

    Reply
    • Kathy Gottberg says

      February 27, 2021 at 11:35 AM

      Hi Jackie! Oh yes! I did switch somewhere along the line to one of the brands that was supposed to be less toxic…but the smell still was pretty bad so you KNOW it is loaded with chemicals. Not only did you make a more healthful decision for yourself, you choose good health above how you look as you age. Sounds very SMART to me! ~Kathy

      Reply
  17. Donna Connolly says

    February 26, 2021 at 12:45 PM

    Hi, Kathy – I love your natural hair colour and agree that it suits your complexion well. I’m jealous that you have been able to grow your natural colour completely in just one year’s time. I last coloured my roots 18 months ago, and I would guess that I am only half-way there to full, natural hair colour. I agree that being able to easily experiment with our natural hair colours has been a (very small) silver-lining of our lockdowns and isolations. I also wholeheartedly agree about embracing who we are. I am incredibly grateful for my past 62 years. I don’t want to deny that they took place! 😀

    Reply
    • Kathy Gottberg says

      February 27, 2021 at 11:22 AM

      Hi Donna! I notice that your hair is growing on and yeah, it’s easier when it is shorter to begin with. The cut before last I still had a bit of blond in it and she said, I think it will look better if we just cut that off and I said, go for it. Thom mentions he would like it long again (it was waist length when we met) but it takes to long and I get restless–so the current look is “frisky!” And I agree the last year has given many of us the “gift” to at least try it out. Let’s keep reminding each other about that gift just to be the age we are with the hope of many more regardless of our hair color! ~Kathy

      Reply
  18. Janet Miles says

    February 26, 2021 at 11:03 AM

    Great post, Kathy. I have only highlighted my hair a few times and don’t get my nails done or even use makeup anymore. My feeling is that I am who I am and if you are shallow enough to judge me by my looks then I don’t want to be around you anyway. I agree that just because we are 65, being old is a lot more than just looks anyway. I don’t feel 65 and I’m hoping to be able to live a lot longer so why start changing my looks up now? My mom is 97 and going strong so hopefully the longevity genes are in me!

    Reply
    • Kathy Gottberg says

      February 27, 2021 at 11:19 AM

      Hi Janet! Wow! Your mom is a great role model for you for sure. And perhaps if you are anything like me then you’ve NEVER judged yourself much by your looks to begin with. I’m what my husband calls, “low maintenance.” I’ve never really put my looks above anything like my personality or intelligence so that likely helped me step away and ask (and answer) questions about aging. I agree that at 65 we have tons of life left and yet it is far too short to start worrying about whether I look my age or not. As for changing how my looks goes…I do like to try different things with my hair. I JUST got my hair cut right before this photo and am going for the “frisky look.” As for whether I’ll stay with that look, who knows? Isn’t it great to have the freedom without worrying about your age? ~Kathy

      Reply
  19. Debbie@RetiresGreat says

    February 26, 2021 at 10:58 AM

    Great article, Kathy! I totally agree with your view points. My husband has had silver hair since his 30’s. I think it looks absolutely gorgeous on him!! I saw some pictures when he did try to dye it during his working years and told him he looks much better with his natural color (which he definitely does). I have to admit I dye my hair but haven’t since COVID, either. I’m trying to decide if I want to continue doing it or not. You’re right – it’s a lot of maintenance. Society focuses too much on youth and doesn’t value older people I think is the systemic issue. Unfortunately, there is so much ageism out there. I really believe we get better as we age. We learn tolerance and, for the most part, patience. It really shouldn’t be about how we look. And, yes, it is definitely how you feel about yourself that matters. That is the one person you have to live with day in and day out. ? If you can accept yourself, it’s amazing how that light shines through. Other see it and that is what brings them into your orbit. I really loved your post!! Great topic!! Thanks, Kathy.

    Reply
    • Kathy Gottberg says

      February 27, 2021 at 9:07 AM

      Hi Debbie! Isn’t it funny that most men can get away looking “distinguished” by their gray hair while women still strugglei the decision. I came across an ad campaign where Clairol came out in the 40s claiming “Gray Hair–The Heartless Dictator!” And that, “Clairol was made to end the heartaches of gray hair…swiftly, secretly, Beautifully! Seeing how our entire culture has been manipulated into thinking gray hair is an injustice makes me want to stay gray forever! Bt I agree that having the choice to consciously do it or not is the greatest gift. And yes, that light shining through us should probably be our goal. ~Kathy

      Reply
  20. Jeanette Lewis says

    February 26, 2021 at 10:44 AM

    I sported natural grey hair since age 40. My husband lovingly nicknamed me ‘Greytop’ and that name is now used by all close family members. In the past 10 years, my hair has turned white. I frequently get compliments which I enjoy except when the complement includes, ‘you don’t look your age!’ I’m not trying to hide my age. I am who I am and proud of every one of my 75 years!

    Reply
    • Kathy Gottberg says

      February 27, 2021 at 9:02 AM

      Hi Jeanette! Good for you for being an early adapter. And yes, isn’t it great to be proud of who you are and your age as well? But I can’t really point any fingers at anyone for saying, “doesn’t she look great for her age?” because I was guilty of that too. We are so conditioned about things that we often to realize that we are being manipulated (and are manipulating) others by the subtle suggestion that how we and others should look younger. It has taken me a while to get REALLY clear about that, but I did and I think any of us who have a voice (bloggers & other writers) can help to remind others about it. ~Kathy

      Reply
  21. Ruthie says

    February 26, 2021 at 8:41 AM

    Hi Kathy,

    Another great post! Thanks so much for your ideas on aging. What I love most is your idea to “stay happy, interesting, and vibrantly alive” until our time has passed. To me, that makes for a beautiful person, no matter what their exterior looks like.

    I just began reading the book “A Brief Eternity…” from last week’s post. Thanks for sharing.
    Seize the day!

    Reply
    • Kathy Gottberg says

      February 26, 2021 at 1:57 PM

      Hi Ruthie! Thank you. I wasn’t sure anyone would be interested in my questions about gray hair so it’s nice to know others are open to the ideas. And I would love to hear what you think of the book when you finish. Please come back and share 🙂 ~Kathy

      Reply
  22. Haralee says

    February 26, 2021 at 8:28 AM

    Good for you Kathy! Looks great.
    After chemo this summer when I lost all my hair I was happy to see any come back.Puts things into perspective! It is coming back , white with some dark silver and gray now. I have got complements from 20 year olds on the color, like it is highlighted that way. I just had to get a new driver’s license and the young worker asked me to verify my height and weight and hair color and eye color. I had to change them all but the eye color. When it came to hair color he asked me if I wanted to list it as gray, silver or white. I said all and was told only one color. I told him that this was new hair from chemo and not sure as it grows out what color it all would all be but put down white. Bless his heart he asked if I was sure and then said it looked nice! Some Mother should be proud of her son!

    Reply
    • Kathy Gottberg says

      February 26, 2021 at 1:56 PM

      Hi Haralee! I think just HAVING hair is a gift that we the vast majority of us take for granted…and yeah, your situation sure puts things in perspective. How interesting that you had to choose between gray, silver or white? How would have thought! And yes, what a thoughtful man. Glad to hear you are looking and feeling good these days. Keep it up! ~Kathy

      Reply
  23. The Widow Badass says

    February 26, 2021 at 7:17 AM

    Hi Kathy,

    I stopped highlighting my hair over a year ago, when it no longer helped my gray and white hairs blend in…it started looking brassy instead. As you know, I recently had all the remaining highlighted hair chopped off, and I am struggling a bit to get used to my new salt n’ pepper look. I wish I could snap my fingers and have my entire head go white but since my hairdresser tells me this isn’t a low maintenance option for me, I have decided to wait for it to happen naturally. I guess the lesson for me here is patience…LOL!

    I don’t want to invest time or money into looking young or younger than my age but I don’t like looking sallow either. And that is what my changing hair (and being out of the sun for months) is doing for me right now. Luckily a new, brighter lipstick has helped…a much cheaper option than dying my whole head silver. (Why are young people doing this??? It’s so hard to maintain.) And less damaging to the hair.

    I very much agree with your statement about how we feel vs how we look. I still feel very young and have to remind myself that my outsides don’t match my insides…hehehe. And to dress accordingly!

    Deb

    Reply
    • Kathy Gottberg says

      February 26, 2021 at 1:40 PM

      I have had the privilege of seeing your hair during the last year and the changes if gone through with it…and it mostly always looks great! I think we are possibly our own worst critics when it comes to how it looks don’t you think? And I agree that we don’t want to look sallow or brassy or whatever doesn’t look good to us….but again it boils down to how we feel about our selves. And how we dress is an entirely different subject! Obviously clothes aren’t a biggie for me! 😉 ~Kathy

      Reply
  24. Donna says

    February 26, 2021 at 7:01 AM

    This post hits home. I’ve always said I’m good with getting older and looking older. I’ve been gray and proud for years. And yet … I told a golf buddy I got my first vaccine, and he wanted to know how I jumped in line. He did not believe I was 65. I like to think I’m above all that, but it put a little spring in my step. The programming runs deep!

    Reply
    • Kathy Gottberg says

      February 26, 2021 at 1:37 PM

      Hi Donna! Good for you for proudly wearing your gray hair. The first time a women complimented me on my gray hair I actually paused before thanking her because I don’t often get complimented on my hair EVER! But like you said that stigma to “look younger than our age” runs pretty deep. I can’t help but feel that I’ve been part of the problem all along by asking, “Oh doesn’t she look good for her age?” It’s almost an expectation that we judge others by how young they do or don’t look. Wouldn’t it be nice if that wasn’t a thing? As you say, “that programming runs deep!” ~Kathy

      Reply
  25. Deborah Dobozy says

    February 26, 2021 at 6:21 AM

    Last March, our 20 year old daughter was laid off from Disney and came back to Texas to stay with my husband and me. Working for Disney she was not allowed to have hair colored any ‘unnatural’ color. Many of her friends had green, blue, pink, or purple hair or highlights. Since the pandemic forced her to be out of work, she decided to dye her hair like a rainbow. I spent hours dying strands different colors. It was gorgeous.

    At 51, I have kept my hair dyed blonde for some 25 or 26 years. Finally, in January of this year, I decided “to heck with it” and dyed the bottom half of my hair bright pink with some of our daughter’s left over dye. As a staid CPA working from home nobody but my husband and close friends see me anymore. Anyway, I love it! Time to get over worrying about what others think about how we ‘should’ look. Time to be happy with who we are – however we look.

    Reply
    • Kathy Gottberg says

      February 26, 2021 at 1:34 PM

      hi Deborah! Thanks for sharing your great story about feeling happy with yourself and how you look. May we all feel continue to feel that as we get older no matter what choices we make. ~Kathy

      Reply

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Kathy Gottberg is an author with seven published books and hundreds of articles covering dozens of topics in the last 35 years. Along with her books, her passion today is SMART Living 365 where she explores ideas and experiences that help to create a meaningful, sustainable, compassionate and rewarding life for herself and others. Beyond that, she lives with Thom, her best friend and soul mate in Tucson, AZ.

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