October 9, 1977 Woodland Park, CO
Sorry, but now that I have your attention I must confess that there is no real secret to my happy marriage. It’d be nice though, huh? It might also be tempting to believe it is luck. A part of me admits how very fortunate I’ve been to be in a relationship that just keeps getting better as the years go by. Surely luck has something to do with it when the same has alluded so many wonderful people. It’s also inviting to think it’s because I’ve got relationships all figured out. But although I’ve made some great choices, what you haven’t seen is all the road-bumps I’ve/we’ve encountered. Even so, on the eve of my 45th anniversary, I am gratefully aware of the privilege of living and loving the same human for such a length of time and believe there are a couple of elements that helped to make it happen.
To begin with, before we even got together we both held a strong intention to create an extraordinary relationship. As I’ve written before, each of us came from families where our parents stuck-it-out and never divorced. While their commitments were impressive, both Thom and I vowed that we didn’t want to settle for that kind of relationship. We’ve also joked through the years that we would separate and end our relationship the minute it went sour. And I can’t help but believe that by recognizing the difference between an okay relationship and an extraordinary one has helped us to keep our intention in the forefront of our minds and dedicated to the work it requires.
As evidence of that through the years we have been faced with pivotal moments where we had to recommit to that idea or let it go. For example:
- Thom was adamant before marriage that he did not want children. I did some soul searching and realized that an outstanding marriage was far more important to me than children. I never once considered he would change his mind—and neither have I.
- At one point we moved to a new area and neither of us had jobs. From my perspective it looked like we needed to take just about any job we could get just to pay bills. But Thom insisted that his only path was to be self-employed. Out of fear, I took a temporary job for a few months before seeing the futility in it. That’s when I quit and together we created a business that not only turned quite profitable—it started me off as a professional writer.
- Years later, money (or lack thereof) became another big issue and we were significantly in debt. We were faced with desperately turning toward a more traditional route, or continuing the entrepreneurial risk. By staying the course, things have turned out better than I ever imagined, but there were no guarantees.
Another thing that has contributed to our marriage is that we both “experimented” before we married. So by the time we got together, we both were much clearer about what we needed and hoped for in a partner, as well as what was unacceptable. Like all of you we have met many people during our lives that ended up partnered with someone who sees the world in a completely contrary way as them. They might have lust or even love, but otherwise they just don’t match. To our benefit, our core values have always been very similar and even though we have grown and changed through the years—we did it together.
We both love to talk. While I doubt it is a necessary element to a great marriage, I know it has benefited us both. Even during those times when it is tempting to just walk away or throw up our hands due to a disagreement, neither of us can keep from talking it out. We also aren’t afraid to share our opinion with each other (that can be good and bad!) so it makes it impossible to keep secrets or not share what is going on inside. Of course such compulsion can be painful at times, (like much in Life), at other times some of my greatest joy comes from our deep and sustaining conversations.
We care about what is important to each other. We respect what is unique and special about each other. As I mentioned above, Thom gave me the encouragement to start writing AND more importantly, to stick with it—even when I had little faith in myself. I can’t even imagine what my life would be without his vision of me. And while Thom is self-motivating, I would like to believe that my support and encouragement has helped to make him the man he has become.
And finally, we have made it a habit to do things together. Obviously, we met each other when we were still quite young and have literally grown up together. And as we grew, we took steps to create and work side-by side as much as possible. Because Thom was determined to be self-employed, we first ran a nightclub in North Carolina, then a retail and manufacturing business in Colorado, then obtained real estate brokers licenses where we worked in both sales and our own investments, managed a national real estate conference and lots of other little side hustles through the years. Even my writing career was tied to his ability to help me promote and produce a product to sell.
But our togetherness was more than work related. We both LOVE to take classes and workshops and have finished and completed hundreds of them in our 45 years. Some of those classes were connected to work, but most were tied to personal growth and spirituality. Of course, we don’t do everything together but when you are married to your best friend, our first choice is to usually do it with the one we love.
With all that said, I recently read a short article by the relationship experts, Dr. John Gottman and Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman. One of their most important pieces of advice is what they call a “formula” for a successful relationship. That formula is just a small thing. In fact, they said, “that’s exactly what a relationship is—not one big thing, but a million tiny things, every day, for a lifetime.” So yes, I’ve listed a few big things that I believe helped to make Thom and I’s relationship as good as it is. But the last 45 years have been made up of millions of tiny things done every day that added to the depth of our sustaining relationship.
Still, it hasn’t always been easy. And part of me thinks I’m being extremely bold by announcing to the world that I have such a great marriage when so many people are struggling in the world today. But like it is said about happiness, refusing to acknowledge or celebrate what is good in our lives offers no hope or possibility to anyone. Maybe the SMART thing to do is for each of us to take a look at the big and little things that have contributed to our happy life—and share it with anyone who will listen.
I am late to congratulate you two, but I still want to say happy anniversary; this reminds me of my parents.
Hope you and Thom had a fabulous anniversary! Your relationship sounds almost exactly like mine and Shannon’s. Even though we took a long time to find each other (just passed 5 years married and 8 years together), we are each other’s best friends. We spend most of our time together working, doing things and traveling. We thoroughly enjoy each other’s company. We love to laugh and talk the night away. Sometimes we can’t believe how late it gets LOL!
And I agree with you and the comments, it’s about the little everyday things and mutual respect that makes a relationship great. Even if it’s just a small gesture, you never know how much it will mean to your life partner. Thanks for such an insightful post and making me stop and think about how lucky I am I got one of the good ones.
Happy Anniversary Kathy and Thom. Blessings to you two on your wonderful life journey together. Your article reminds me to celebrate all that Darrel and I get/got right and to keep laughing when we get it ‘twisted.’
Hi Amanda! Thank you. Yes to keep celebrating AND laughing together. So very, very important. ~Kathy
Happy 45th Anniversary to you and Thom!
I think this was a lovely blog, that you took the time to write about your married life and to share it, and to honour your 45 years together.
For fun I looked up the flower for the 45th wedding anniversary and it is the Blue Iris meaning faith and hope. And that seems apt for your marriage, you both have faith in each other and hope for your life.
Hi Marnie! Thank you. And that is so cool that you looked up the flower representing 45 years. I’ve always enjoyed the unique and unusual look of the blue iris and now I know they represent faith and hope. Not only do we both have faith in each other–we are also fine with being unique and unusual as well! :-). ~Kathy
It IS working…
Yes! Of course what’s the saying? It takes one to know one! 🙂
Lovely post and a very Happy Anniversary. I appreciate how you analyzed how your marriage works for you. We just passed our 30 year mark ourselves. And while many of the aspects of your successful marriage are not at all aspects of ours, I still believe “I got one of the good ones.”
Thank you Pat! And congratulations on your 30 years! So glad to hear you’ve found “one of the good ones! It is something to celebrate and be proud of. And just like there are different flavors of ice cream, we all have different ways to find what is happiness and purpose in our lives. How we get there is as individual as we are. ~Kathy
Kathy, there were adjustments in the beginning as we both valued our independence and didn’t quite understand how we could maintain separate identities while becoming a couple. Working through that was trying, but we got there. Life is so much better when your spouse becomes your most trusted friend and confidant. Tending to the little things is still important, but at least we know what that means for each of us. I appreciate your insights on this topic. You set a good example.
Hi Suzanne! As you said, adjustments in the beginning (and actually throughout the relationship) are very necessary. I hesitate to say compromise because it tends to imply giving in. Instead it is a constant give and take and play wouldn’t you say. And certainly independence is important, co-creating a spouse who is your trusted friend and confident is most important. Good for all of us who have managed to make it so! ~Kathy
Congratulations on your anniversary and I love the way you reflect on the how and why of 45 years together. It has made me stop and think about something I regret that I generally just take for granted. I haven’t got to the analysis point yet but I have at least started by working out that it’s been 35 years. Hopefully we too will have another decade and more of life together and I’ll take my time to figure out how we’ve done it.
Hi Caree! Thank you. And congratulations on your 35 years. I was just reading a book that reminded me that it is so important for us to acknowledge and celebrate our accomplishments…not just analyze our progress! And if I could offer you any more advice, don’t wait for ten years to go by to explore how you’ve done it. As Tom Sightings said in his comment…a good relationship is built on all those daily little things as well as agreeing on the big ones. Chances are if you’ve been together for 35 you are good on the big things…let us all start enjoying, celebrating and appreciating all the little ones that we have the opportunity to live each day! And yes, I please write your own blog post about your steps as you go along. (It’s cathartic!!!). ~Kathy
Happy anniversary, Kathy and Thom! I think couples who live 24/7 together and make that work for many years have most of their relationship figured out. I recognized many of your points and experiences, but for me, me-time is important. Maybe because I rarely have it? Apart from those moments, Mark and I share everything – from shampoo to friends to ideas to passions and lifestyle preferences.
Hi Liesbet! I completely agree that for any couple that spends as much time together as you and Mark (ESPECIALLY) in such close proximity, figure out how to make it work or end it right away. Such closeness is both a gift AND a test! And like you, Thom and I share just about everything but we need a bit more space around us that you both do 🙂 ~Kathy
I have the secret to a happy 25 years of marriage. Unfortunately, I was married for 29 years. Well, now I’m married again, going on year 4. So I’m good until I hit my 90s!
But seriously, this is a great post, and I completely agree, it’s a lot of the little things, and agreeing on the big things. Happy anniversary, and many more!
Hi Tom! hahahaha! So the next 21 is sure to be great. And like you said, all it takes is “a lot of the little things, and agreeing on the big things.” Thanks for your good wishes. ~Kathy
We crossed the 42 year mark in June and enjoy a wonderful life together as well and childless as well-much the same declaration and process as you describe. All the pitfalls as you describe. And growing up at the same time is HARD! We married at 19 having dated since 16. Communication and laughter are key is what I tell people.
I’m glad you’re written about your wonderful relationship. People need to know it is possible and if only 10% of us have it, so be it.
I say “shout it from the mountain tops!”
Happy Sunday everyone 🙂
Hi Elle! And congratulations to you too. As you say, we should be proud of our accomplishments because it does take a strong intention AND work to make it work well. I also agree that communication and laughter is critical. It really helps to “get” each others sense of humor. Now that I think about it, when I see couples that don’t laugh much I wonder how they do it!!
May your relationship continue to thrive well far into the future, and let’s not be shy about “shouting it from the mountain tops!” ~Kathy
Sadly, anniversary celebration parties have gone the way of mortgage burning parties. Our culture no longer reveres either or so it seems. It would have been fabulous to celebrate 2 paid off homes when we were 49yo! Covid stole our 40th anniversary celebration. I’m thinking about a blowout party for 50 🙂
CELEBRATE indeed!
Hi Elle! Why not? If a blowout party makes you happy, go for it! As for us we took our big vacation this past summer and LOTS of little trips in between. My happy place is traveling and that is the way I celebrate. And I completely agree that paying off your home SHOULD DEFINITELY be celebrated as well! ~Kathy
Happy Anniversary Kathy!
Thank you Janet!
Happy Anniversary, Kathy and Thom –
Everything that you wrote here makes great sense to me.
Wishing you many, many more happy years together.
Donna
Hi Donna! Thank you. I know you and Richard have a special marriage too and glad you found each other. Sometimes it takes a bit longer to find “The one” but the most important thing is to find them! ~Kathy
After reading this post and spending a delightful afternoon with you and Thom, it is obvious why we seem to communicate well: we are so similar. Betty and I passed 46 years in June and have never been closer. Even though we are very different people in several areas, our commitment to work with those differences instead of against them has made all the difference,
Hi Bob! Isn’t it nice to get together with other couples who have a deep commitment to each other and have been together for a lifetime? There is something VERY special about that! And I agree it is no wonder why I KNEW we would get along after only befriending you on your blog and FB. So great to call you and Betty friends now and looking forward to the next time we get together! ~Kathy
Thank you Kathy for this insightful piece. As I read it I, of course, reflected on my own marriage. So much of what you say really felt familiar. I too am grateful to be married to my best friend.
Hi Margaret! Thank you. I do think that I’m “lucky” in having found him fairly early on and know many other awesome relationships are doing very well on their 2nd (or later) try. I don’t think it matters when you find that person–just that you do 🙂 Glad you’ve found yours! ~Kathy
Very well said as usual. Another gift you have is being able to come with interesting this to write about and talk about. Where do all these ideas come from? Do you make lists of topics?
Hi Ann! Thank you and glad you enjoyed it. But you give me too much credit for having a formula for generating ideas. I just tend to try and pay attention to what is happening around me (and inside me) and if it seems interesting I explore it. Some go no where, but if others seem interesting I stick with them and start writing. Oh, and Thom comes up with interesting ideas too and as we talk about them I decide if they are a “rabbit hole” I want to explore or not! I do try to jot down any ideas that pop up and I have dozens of them on my iphone….I just usually forget them once I write them down! hahaha. ~Kathy