Last weekend I had the amazing gift of two sets of girlfriends come for a visit. Like every summer, I’m out of town renting a cabin in the mountains with my husband Thom to escape the desert heat near our home. While we always enjoy handfuls of guests during our summer retreats, this was the first year in over 20 where I’ve enjoyed so much female company—and it certainly felt like something special. Maybe it’s my age or maybe it’s my own awareness, but having good female friends is a simple, SMART and rewarding aspect to any happy life.
As you may remember, I’ve written about the value of having lots of friends before, regardless of our age. Solid friendships not only make us healthier and live longer, they also help to make us more creative and successful in the world. Dr. George E. Vaillant spent over 40 years studying 268 Harvard graduates to find out what adds up to a “good” life and in the end said, “The only thing that really matters in life are your relationships to other people.” But even though that’s important to remember, there is something special about girlfriends that deserve to be noted.
What you may not know is that much of the time studies that seek out causes for success, happiness or good health are predominately done on male subjects. Just like with Dr. Vaillant, the implication is that by knowing what adds up to a good life for men, we equally know what makes for a good life for all human beings. Sometimes yes, sometimes no.
Then back in the early 2000s, a group of research psychologists happened to question the flight-or-fight physiological response to stress previously considered the norm for all men and women since 1932. Dr. Shelley Taylor, PhD., along with five other colleagues challenged the model and proposed instead that women have an additional method of dealing with high stress. They called it “tend-and-befriend.” This new model says that women often cope with stress with a more cerebral perspective that is tempered by social circumstances.
It seems, because woman throughout history have been the primary caregivers for children and the infirmed, rather than “fleeing” at the first sign of stress or provocation, they instead “tend” to those in their care and gather together to protect and nurture themselves. In fact, there appears to be a physiological response in women that inhibits flight. This response is the release of the hormone oxytocin in the brain along with other hormones that help to reduce fearfulness and enhance relaxation, which mediates a fight-or-flight response.
Beyond that, the study confirmed that when females are stressed they prefer being with others, especially other females. Males do not seem to have that need. In fact, women seem to create, maintain and utilize social groups to help them manage stressful conditions. Overall, the study revealed that in all types of stressful situations, including health-related concerns, relationship problems and work-related conflicts, women are more likely than men to seek out and use other women for social support.
But in spite of the fact that tending and befriending comes naturally to most women, I’ve learned through the years that girlfriends are never a one-size-fits all arrangement. With that in mind, here are a couple of realities about girlfriends that I think are helpful to remember:
1) Nearly all friendships are cyclical. I’ve been fortunate to have a couple of my close friends, one in particular, that has been a friend since high school. However, even though we’ve always been friends, years went by when we seldom saw each other or spoke on the phone. Fortunately, right now we are able to spend time together on a regular basis. If we’d let our friendship die out completely during those down times, I would have missed our current closeness. Being flexible in friendship is helpful.
2) Conflicts or disappointments don’t have to end the friendship. Just like everyone reading this post, I’m sure we’ve all had friends cause disappoint and sometimes hurt. Ultimately, we get to decide if an action (or inaction) is cause to end the friendship completely. While no one should be a doormat for another, learning to forgive and forget is often a sign of a good friend.
3) Some friends will leave and you will never know why. Years ago I was very close to a women I considered a bestie. We spent hours talking, laughing and doing things together. While I knew we had our differences, they never seemed to matter. Then suddenly she stopped calling. Nothing had happened, nothing was different. It was just over. While I spent a lot of time (years actually) trying to figure out what went wrong, that lost friendship remains a mystery. Learning to let go is important.
4) Quality is more important than quantity. I like having lots of friends. I also know that different people fulfill different needs. Yet, an important study done by Melikash Demir and Lesley A Weitekam in 2006 uncovered three important distinctions about friendships. They showed that:
- “Best” friends made people significantly happier than just having “friends;”
- “Best” friends make people happier than even have several “close” friends; and
- The two most important qualities of good friends are companionship (good friends like doing things with you) and self-validation (a good friend reassures you that you are a good and worthy individual.)
5) Good friendships take time, effort and intention. I’m constantly amazed at how easy it is for weeks to go by without hearing from some of my friends. I’m as guilty as any of them when I get wrapped up in what I’m doing and forget that friends need care as much as anything in my life. Let’s never forget that anything that we deem important deserves our time, effort and intention if we want it to flourish. Deciding that our friendships are important and then following through is critical.
As some of you know my marriage is one of the happiest I know, and I consider my husband Thom to be my very best friend. But last weekend while spending time with my girlfriends, I was reminded that we as women offer something different to each other when it comes to friendship. Maybe it was the tending and befriending chemicals that kicked in, but after talking for hours about every subject imaginable, I just felt happy, content and complete. I think one way to explain it is that with Thom as my best friend and partner, we stand side by side and face the world together no matter what. With my girlfriends, it felt more like standing in a circle and holding hands. Maybe it is SMART to be sure and include both experiences in every one of our lives.
Hi Kathy, I find that often the women who have passed the most years with me GET ME the best. My old friend from teaching is so in touch with my feelings as well as friends who were RIGHT THERE when I was raising my children. I guess sharing moments is the true glue in a friendship. I do enjoy making new friends, but relating my life to them is not the same as their living it with me.
Hi Beth! You’re right. When we have “walked through the fire” with some friends that bonds us very, very deeply. But I still want to keep expanding my circle because as time goes by it is more and more likely that some will drift or fall away for all sorts of reasons. By sharing new experiences with new people we can hope to build new bonds with new friends. I plan to be around a long time myself and I know how important it is to have friends along the way. Thanks for sharing your thoughts! ~Kathy
Having girlfriends is a big PLUS for any woman. They just fill you up and make your days shorter by sharing the good and bad in life, uplifting each other and the laughter oohhh…. till your ribs hurt that does it for me. Thanks for great post.
Spot on. I just attended the funeral of my old high school friend’s Mom. All six of us from our main high school group were there. It was such a wonderful display to her of support and loyalty from her old friends. I am realizing the value and beauty in those long-held relationships more and more each day. I am so fortunate to have lots of girlfriends. One of my sisters has not kept up with hardly any of hers, and I see what a lonely path that is. There’s nothing quite like female friends coming together and laughing til we pee in our pants.
Hi Julie Jo! Lucky for you to have stayed connected to friends. I do think it comes a bit easier to some of us than others but as you can see from your sister’s example, it is definitely worth it. And yes, don’t good friends help to make us laugh! And I especially think that friends from when we were young can transport us back to a time when we felt young and carefree and that can be especially wonderful. Thanks for sharing your example! ~Kathy
There is nothing like a good old-fashioned girls’ weekend! I’m so glad you got to share in such good company this summer!
Hi Nancy! Yes it has been a good summer for connecting with friends. As a writer I spend a lot of time alone (and/or with Thom) and I can really tell how much lighter I feel mentally after hanging out with girlfriends. There is something very easy about it and I hope all of us women get a chance to do it regularly. How’s your summer going Nancy? I’m hoping you get some quality girlfriend time in there too! ~Kathy
I couldn’t agree more Kathy! Lately that’s what I’ve been missing lately. I love my husband tremendously. Like you and Thom we are the very best of friends, but when I do get together with my girlfriends it is like it fills the spirit up. Beautifully written.
Hi Rena! Yes we are so very fortunate that we live with our very best friend. But as you say, there are just some things that feel right when we gather together with our female friends. Let’s just remember to do that every now and then. ~Kathy
Yes Kathy, same topic….different perspective. I love my girlfriends. Like you – I have some from high school & definitely college that we all live in different states. Many months or even years can go by, but when we get together it’s like old times. I have had to make a hard decision that a newer friend was no longer a good fit for me or the group and call it quits. I hate that we couldn’t resolve the issues, but the stress was not worth it. We’ll live. Great post my friend.
Hi Toni! Yes isn’t it funny that we outgrow clothes and realize they don’t fit right anymore but with friends it can be really difficult to let go of. But there is now so much evidence that the wrong friends can make us overweight, unhappy and yes, addicted to debt. Far better to seek out and find friends that support us in living a happy, stress-free and hopefully debt-free lifestyle. Thanks as always for your thoughts on this! ~Kathy
I am still friends with women I met in 7th grade – we may not see each other often but we are still connected and pick up right where we left off.
I have a wonderful group of friends who I’ve shared my life with since meeting when we had kids in preschool – and there have been ups and downs! But now, at midlife, we all have mellowed into pretty much total acceptance of each other’s quirks and differences. It’s lovely.
Hi Sharon! Isn’t it funny how we can go long stretches time and then when we get together with a close friend we can pick up right back to where we started. And I also agree that we tend to be a bit more tolerant of each others quirks as we age and instead focus on the gift of our friendship. It’s so important to remember all we get from our friends. ~Kathy
Great advice. I always smile when I think of my bestie!
Hi Barbara! Isn’t that the truth?–a bestie can always bring a smile to my face too. ~Kathy
Having girlfriends is so important to me! I am very lucky to still be close friends with many of my high school classmates, but I also treasure my newer friendships.
Hi Helen! Good for you for staying friends with high school classmates for so long. What a gift! ~Kathy
OOOOO, I just wrote a blog about “Girlfriends.”
I call my 3 best friends my “Root Friends,” because they’ve been their since the beginning.
But of course, my sister was my ultimate friend.
I love love love the photo of you w/ your girlfriends.
Such joy.
Such superb medicine.
The laughter!
And they GET YOU, they really GET YOU!
xx
Hi Kim! Nice to hear from you. And YES aren’t friends the best? Especially when they are there to help you get through the really HARD challenges in life. So glad you have a great support system. ~Kathy
It’s really interesting to me to read that a study has shown that women seek out friends in times of stress. I get that, and then I also think of how I respond to stress as a female and an introvert. Sometimes, I just want to cuddle with my dog! I’ve actually found that my introverted nature impacts my “friendship stamina.” I watch my sister, who has time any minute of the day, any day of the week when a friend needs her or vice versa. I love my girlfriends — LOVE them — and yet even the most positive-energy friendships deplete my energy levels, and so I must pace myself. It’s kind of a drag. And, it’s just who I am, I guess!
Hi Laura! Oh yes…sometimes just cuddling with a dog is the PERFECT support don’t you think? Dogs are so-o-o unconditionally loving that they really provide a very special aspect to our lives. But I’m a bit of a talker so I do like to have those who talk back now and then. It’s funny…as a writer I never get anything done if I don’t have my alone time. But when I’m done with that I really need some people “stimulation.” I guess you can tell I’m not an introvert right? I think the SMARTest thing any of us can do is recognize what gives us energy and what takes it away. As long as your method works for you then how could that not be good? ~Kathy
Hi Kathy – there were so many points I agreed with in this post – I think having a husband for a best friend is really important, but close girlfriends are such a bonus. I have noticed that I only have a handful of really close friends, and then an extended circle of more casual friends – all are important in their own way and make me a better person for knowing them (including the blogging friends too!)
Hi Leanne! I like the visual of how you describe your friends and think I’d agree. Right here in the middle is Thom (which sounds like your’s is too) and then there is a circle of really close friends next, and then outside of that another circle…and I’ll bet they just continue on our depending upon how close (or far) we see them. But when you think about it that way, it is such a nice support system huh? Thanks! ~Kathy
I think that girl friends are a gift at ANY age, Kathy! Since we’ve moved, the greatest reward has been that we have friends. And my best friend here recently confessed the same thing to me. We’re not *quite* middle aged, but we’re definitely seeing the rewards.
Hi Bethany! Yes you are one of the young ones here on the blogosphere but like you say, “girlfriends are a gift at ANY age!” But one thing that changes when you get older is that you don’t have kids around to help connect you with other women in the same way. And then if you are self employed or retired, there is no office to go to to connect with others. It can be more isolating so it is critical to for us women to stay connected. Good for your for making it a priority. ~Kathy
I agree totally about friendships being important to us as we get older. I think we all become set in our own ways and it is difficult to all agree on issues as we age. You really have to work on your friendships and nurture them along. I have had a lot of disappointing friendships, particularly when I started up my blog and a few friends were extremely unsupportive.
Hi Kathy M! Oh no! Sorry to hear that some of your friends aren’t that supportive of your blog. I guess I consider myself fortunate that some of them actually do like it (or at least they say they do.) But yeah, now that I think about it some of them are clearly “not into it!” I think family is more like that for me though. I just don’t think they know or understand how important it is to us…that’s why blog friends really are important right? So glad we’ve connected here in cyberspace! ~Kathy G
All my life I found it hard to make friends, even harder to work at and keep a friendship.
I still can’t do it. I have acquaintances, but nobody close.
I’ve never been able to have deep and/or meaningful conversations.
Online friendships are easier for me.
Hi River! Sorry to hear you’ve found it challenging to find and keep friendships. I know it can be difficult for some of us. As a woman without children who works alone (as a writer) I really have to reach out and find friends myself. But I have been pretty lucky too. And I YES to finding and meeting some very interesting and supportive women here online. It’s good to appreciate our friends wherever we can find them. ~Kathy
Great post Kathy!
While not a woman, I totally get where you’re coming from and am grateful for the childhood friends that I have as well as the newer friends that I have made within the past ten years.
I also found the fight or flight information quite interesting and was something – there’s a lot of things – that I was not aware of!
“Maybe it is SMART to be sure and include both experiences in every one of our lives.” – Agreed!!
Thanks again and take care.
My best to all.
Lyle
Hi Lyle! Nice to hear from you. And thank you for chiming in here for the men. I do agree we all need friends of both sorts (men and women) to get the full benefit of life. I also found in my research that men’s health and wellbeing definitely benefited by staying connected to family. Interesting enough, women’s health and wellbeing didn’t change one way or another if they were close to family. Maybe that’s another reason why us women need girlfriends so much! Thanks for your thoughts on this and have a GREAT weekend! ~Kathy
A really great post! Friends have come and gone in my life and those that moved away, I have often wondered about them. I have a couple of best friends, one since 7th grade who lives in SoCal, another, friends since our 20s with kids the same ages, lives close. The two are polar opposites. Another friend since high school fell off the map after a weird misunderstanding. Since I remarried, I have to admit that I love hanging out with my husband. Girlfriends are great, but they can’t hold your hand when walking on the beach…well, they could, but it wouldn’t be the same!
Hi Terri! Yes, those of us deeply in love with our “best friend” husband are truly fortunate. Holding hands is wonderful and he and I can talk for hours and hours about all sorts of things. But when all us “girls” were talking last weekend we did touch on the fact that no matter how close we were with our husbands, there were some things that just “fit” better talking with women. 🙂 It’s like indulging in some type of food that we don’t eat regularly and savoring every bite! Of course not every conversation with women is as satisfying, but when you’re with girlfriends that click it really can be rewarding! ~Kathy
Hi Kathy,
I have been losing touch with some of my girlfriends so I picked up the phone, thanks to your post. How right you are! It’s so easy to get busy and we need to make time.
Like you, my husband is my best of best friends. How blessed could we be?!? But, that female connection is a valuable one.
Thanks so much for the nudge!
Hi T.O. I’m so glad I was a good reminder to you! One of my friends that was up last weekend told me of another one of her girlfriends who is a good 10 years younger than us both has cancer and that it was pretty serious. For some reason that message of “let’s never take anyone (or anything) for granted” rang very true to me. It’s too easy to forget to tell those we care about how much they mean to us. The good news is for those of us who have great relationships with the people we live with that it’s easy to tell and share our love with them. For those who we don’t see all the time–a phone call now and then is pretty important. ~Kathy
I’m missing some of my friends as we’ve scattered about the country. We stay in touch, but it’s not like meeting up for happy hour every Wed. evening. The closest friend I ever had just up and pulled away with no explanation. It still hurts, even though we’ve reconnected ‘loosely’ on fb. I may never know why she cut me off and that bothers me sometimes.
Now I’m in the process of finding new friends in our retirement phase. Life is a journey!
b
Hi Barbara! Ouch! That really stings when we get dumped by a friend doesn’t it. And while I know on a deep level that 99% of the time it is about them and something that’s happening in their lives, it still feels so very personal. Sorry for your experience. But good luck on reaching out and touching new friends. Some of us find it easier than others for sure but the truth is that it is so very important for us all. ~Kathy
Having best girl friends is truly a blessing in life. I have had fleeting best friend relationships but since my life has always been transient in any one place (Army brat) and then I was concentrating on being a success in my career, focusing on that an not on relationships of any kind, I don’t have any life long best friends. Now I am in midlife and look around and see that the relationships are most important, though they take work to maintain. Honesty, Humility and Intimacy (as in, Into Me See) makes long term relationships work. I’ve never had that before, but am cultivating them now.
Hi Lydia! I didn’t read anything about how a “bestie” had to be the same one for years and years. What I did read is that having at least one you considered that close was pretty important for all the physical and mental health benefits. I REALLY like your statement of “honesty, humility and intimacy” as a key to good relationships. Good luck and don’t give up! ~Kathy
I am in total agreement Kathy. I love my friends. I am suspicious and feel bad for women of any age who don’t have women friends.
Hi Haralee! Your comment reminded me of that statement, “Don’t trust anyone that doesn’t love dog.” I sort of feel the same way about girlfriends as I do about dogs! All in a good way of course! ~Kathy
Thank you Kathy! I loved this post. I have always been a loner, never really had close friends. But a move across the country turned me into a social butterfly. I craved friendships. But I do believe it’s cyclical. It seems in the last year or so I’ve fallen out of the social loop. I rarely communicate with or see friends. It does bother me a bit, but not a lot. I believe these things happen. We need breaks from our friends and family every now and then. Circumstances, feelings, interests–they change, and with them, the people we hang out with. I hope to reconnect with some friends I’ve fallen out of the loop with, but I’m also excited for the coming year as my husband and I host an exchange student. We’ve met the other host families and look forward to getting to know them as well. Maybe we will forge new friendships through this experience. I believe we’re not in crisis but, rather, transition. I’m anxious to see how this year unfolds.
Hi Amy! I think there is such value in learning to enjoy our own company and ultimately we must truly be our own best friends. But with that said, I also think that so much of us need to connect to others (maybe for just that oxytocin fix!) And if you’ve managed for a long time on your own it is likely that much more challenging to reach out. But perhaps you are setting yourself up for a wonderful connection by hosting an exchange student. You are certain to meet other families and women in connection with that. Make the most of it for sure! ~Kathy
Absolutely agree, Kathy! In fact, I’m off for my annual girls’ weekend later today. I went to high school with all of these women and we laugh so hard our stomachs ache by Sunday. Great post. I’ve had a few same as #3. Some friends are not there for the rain. 🙂
Hi Lisa! How great to have a yearly meet up with your girlfriends. And yes, thanks for reminding me of how much we can laugh when we get together. That is good for us on so many levels. And I also love your statement, “some friends are not there for the rain.” So very true. ~Kathy
I am fortunate to still have one friend from before I was able to talk, several from before I entered kindergarten and a bunch from grade school on. I guess that’s the advantage of not moving around when I was growing up. Of course many of us have moved since then (I, on the other hand live just a few miles from my childhood home), so face-to-face get-togethers are more of an issue, but most of us try to stay in touch as best we can.
I, too, consider my husband my best friend, but there is nothing like spending time with good girlfriends to re-charge the old batteries.
Hi Janis! Oh lucky you to have girl friends from long ago. That is definitely a benefit for being in one place for a long time. But just like us all, if we don’t take care and nurture those friendships they can get lost along the way. Let’s never forget to get together and re-charge! ~Kathy