A couple of weeks ago Thom and I drove to our house in Southern California that we had called “home” for sixteen years. Even though we called that property home, we actually lived in Tucson, AZ for the last three winters while renting that “former home” temporarily. Then after that we only ended up staying there for a few days on and off the rest of the year. However, after straddling both homes for three years, we decided it was time to make the decision to pick one over the other. And in spite of the fact that the one in So Cal was over twice as big (plus a two-car garage) as the one in Tucson, we chose to permanently make our tiny home in Tucson our residence for the foreseeable future.
As I’ve written about before, our new home is small—650 square feet in fact. So with that in mind when we went back to California we needed to empty the house completely so we could rent it out full time. That meant all the furniture and art had to go because our tiny home was already completely furnished. But perhaps more difficult is all the small items that nearly every house contains—glasses, silverware, utensils, books, knickknacks, mementos and what have you. Optimist that I am, I thought we could accomplish that all in a week if we really applied ourselves. Ha! It took us two weeks of focused effort to get it done. I now have renewed respect and compassion for anyone who chooses to rightsize into a smaller property.
All that has me thinking more about the idea of downsizing. Plus the fact that I am now 70 and living in a 55-or-over community where the topic of downsizing comes up frequently. Naturally, a large percentage of residents still own another home and merely consider their small home or RV as a second home—however, there are a number of people who live here full time. When you decide to make a tiny home your permanent residence—or any home smaller than the one you had before—you really have to decide what is important to you.
In my California home there was a table and buffet I was very much attached to owning. It was the nicest I’d ever owned and we had paid a great deal for it. We also had a large painting that was very expensive and a few other items that we were quite sentimental about. However, there is simply no room for them in our new home. Once I realized that there was no way to keep them, I needed to make the painful decision to let them go. And we did.
Yet since our move I have talked with dozens of people about how they either could not let certain items go—which of course means they can never move—or they move only to a similar size property. And then consider all the parents who are still “saving” items that belong to their now grown children who live elsewhere? Even when the kids say they don’t want the stuff many people can’t let go. I get that it is hard, but it does raise the question, “Do you own your stuff, or does it own you?” If you can’t give it up then it does indeed, own you.
Because we had a timeline with a new tenant moving in before the end of the month we couldn’t procrastinate. We sold the furniture, boxed up a few of the smaller things that we could keep in our new home and donated anything we weren’t able to sell. (I’m a new fan of Facebook Marketplace.). We did have a use for the washer and dryer so rented a small U-Haul and brought that home to Arizona.
One thing is for sure, after going through all that work, I can sympathize for any children whose parents are unable to let things go while still alive. And let’s face it, at some point none of us will be around to keep our stuff. So, whomever is left is faced with going through what we just did and clearing it all out. Because we don’t have children, there is no one to leave that job. And I’m wondering if any parent really wants to make that a chore for their kids. But if they don’t do it, who will? It also confirms the saying, “Nearly all estate sales involve a trash dumpster.”
I’m not sure downsizing is the answer for everyone, but I’m fairly convinced that rightsizing is. Remember, rightsizing isn’t just eliminating things to get rid of them, it is consciously choosing what is “right” for your life at this time and place. Rightsizing asks us to question our priorities, become certain about what matters to us, and choose to live accordingly. It might (and often does) look like downsizing but it doesn’t have to. What it does share with downsizing is the elimination of anything and everything that isn’t very important to your current lifestyle.
Since returning to Tucson, Thom and I have settled back into our compact lifestyle. In many ways, having so much less stuff feels freeing and gives us the time and headspace to focus on those things that bring us happiness and peace of mind at this time. Of course, we won’t be staying in our tiny home during the summer (it is the desert remember!) But we will rest easier wherever we travel knowing that our rightsized life is SMART for us.
Boy, can I ever relate to this post! We recently “rightsized” to a smaller home and going through all of our items and deciding what to keep and what to give away was an emotional rollercoaster. One of the questions I continually asked myself was whether I wanted our children to have to deal with it later. I did not want to burden them with all our stuff that we could not part with but neither did we want to use it ourselves anymore.
Such a big decision to go to one home, but definitely freeing – congrats! A great example of “rightsizing” your life. While we downsized to a smaller full-time home, we did get a small snowbird condo… sigh.
Hi Marian. Good for you for thinking through what your children would be faced with later down the road. And yes I know that you’ve moved lately so that is a perfect time to do it. And one step at a time is good too. But I can’t help thinking that it actually gets more difficult as we get older. Moving is NOT fun so I’m really glad we did it while we still had the energy!!! And now your new challenge is to NOT fill up your new 2nd home with so much stuff you forget what’s in the back of those cupboards!!! (Although I am hoping that next season our paths will cross!) ~Kathy
You would think that a catastrophic house flooding would make downsizing a bit of non-issue. But I’ve come to realize that everything we salvaged and is now in storage (in 4 different locations) was a lot of things we rarely/never used – the stuff on the top shelf. No not the “top shelf” in a liquor sense. The things you use regularly are all on lower, easy to reach shelves.
We also saved all our artwork, but in the new house, we added windows. We live in an area of beauty, so why not be able to see it from every room?
I am determined when we move in to continue to downsize. To not store things “just in case”. To not keep things for nostalgia sake. I’ve lost so many important keepsakes, why store the upper-shelf, never-look-at ones?
I do not think this will be easy – I do have a hoarder husband. But I am definitely going to try!
Hi Pat! You’ve certainly experienced your share of downsizing the hard way! Not fun. And even thought you eliminated a lot of it…with some of it in storage that will require some going through and deciding for sure. However, it sounds like you also realize that if you haven’t needed or used it in the recent past that is indeed “higher shelf” stuff. My advice is to not even look at it…just have a charitable organization come and pick it all up! And yeah, the art work you love is tricky. We did save a couple of our more precious things but nearly everything else we sold or gave away. And I feel for you for having a husband that wants to hold on to things. Thankfully Thom would throw everything out but me! Don’t give up–the freedom is worth it. ~Kathy
Hi Kathy, thank you for writing this blog. It couldn’t come to me at a better time. After owning my home in La Quinta, California for over 30 years, I am now working towards moving to Arizona as well. I found a lovely retirement area just south of Tuscon that I have fallen in love with. I am in the process of downsizing and letting go of a lot of treasures. It is painful in a way but also very freeing. I absolutely love Arizona and I look forward to my next chapter in my life.
Hi Deanna! I know you have been spending quite a bit of time here in AZ lately. One of these days (when it gets cool again) we HAVE to get together! Good luck on your move. It’s not always easy but it seems like you have really thought it through and spent plenty of time here knowing that it is a good move for you. Looking forward to seeing where this next adventure leads! ~Kathy
The inability to let go of things that keep us tied to what no longer serves us reminds me of the way to capture monkeys — carve a small hole in a secured item (a tree, a gourd secured to a tree, for example, put some food in it and wait. A monkey will come along and reach in for the food, but then with a hand full of food, it is unable to pull its hand out. The hunter can now approach. The monkey panics but will not let go of the food. The hunter can simply walk up and take the monkey. I think a lot of folks can relate to that monkey!
I have gotten rid of a lot of things, like clothes and jewelry and photos and papers, but the things I am surrounded by in my home I love. If I had to move, I could let go of them — after all, I would still have the memories of why they were important to me. But if I stay in this house, as I hope to, then my kids will be left with it. I’ve told them when I’m gone, to take what they want and turn the rest over to someone to handle an estate sale and dispose of the what’s left. They don’t have to love stuff just because I did.
As you say, the key is rightsizing. For me, I’m in the right size for now. I have a very home-centered lifestyle (including the cabin). You and Thom have found the right size for your lifestyle of home base and travel. No monkey traps for us–ha!
Hi Galen! Thanks for the reminder of that monkey story…so VERY true. We are often captured by the things we can’t let go of. That’s another good argument for rightsizing. And good for you for identifying what really matters to you and creating a home that allows that. Of course it does sound like a dumpster might be in store for your family’s future though. The more people I talk to the more I hear how their children and/or families really don’t want much of anything that belongs to us. Plus I like to remind myself when letting go of stuff that there are LOTS of people in the world around you that could use and appreciate what excess you have right now! May be all be free of monkey traps! ~Kathy
Yes, you are right about the dumpster in my family’s future. I think the key is guilt free dumpsters! When my mom died, my sister and I didn’t want many of the things that were treasured by our mom. I appreciated that she loved these things but I didn’t feel any obligation to treasure them myself. I took a few mementos that meant something to me. My sister, on the other hand, had a much harder time of it, feeling guilty about selling or giving away mom’s treasures. I’ve made clear to my kids that they should only take what they themselves want — release the rest to sale, donation, dumpster guilt free! (And I’ve already got a company set up to take care of all that so that they don’t have to.)
Thank you for sharing your experience. My parents were children of immigrants and grew up in the depression. They did not hoard but they valued and treasured possessions that they envisioned we would want or need. After their deaths I was the “child” that was responsible to manage their possessions….and I am still working on it. And I have my own possessions that have accumulated. I do not want my family to have to continue this task in my absence. I believe it is not fair to continue this ritual/responsibility. Family do not need what I have and they especially do not need what was transferred to me. So my big goal this year is to reduce/right size. I find it easier to let go what I have acquired myself than what my parents and even grandparents left to us, as if I am dishonoring their memory and the work they put forth to acquire in very difficult times. But I remind myself that the gift I am leaving to family is that they are not tasked with what can be overwhelming process. I am also gifted with what I describe as lightness and serenity, peace of mind as I work on right sizing.
Hi Jamie! thank you for sharing your own experiences with us all. I think quite a few of us share at least some of your dilemma. What to keep? What to let go? I actually kept one thing small vase that belonged to my great-grandma and a set of glasses that belonged to my grandfather. My mother was an artist so we have one of her paintings and a favorite sculpture she did. But we had many more that we had to let go off and it’s HARD! But still I carry a bit of all of them (my ancestors) as we all do and that will be enough. And good for you for not leaving such choices for your family! It’s a situation I think we will all walk through so might as well do it now! Good luck with what remains! ~Kathy
Wow – this makes me hope we just did the right thing buying a bigger place. We decided to downsize and live in a small place (900 SF) 6 years ago. But in those years, I have wished a thousand times we had more closet space. And, vacuuming is so frustrating when there isn’t anywhere to just vacuum – everything has to be moved, vacuumed under, and moved back.
So we bought an 1800 sf place, closes next week. But I am also lamenting leaving this small space, so homey and quiet. Here we live in every inch of our space. No space is left unused. I don’t think it will be that way at a larger home. But, we can have our gatherings and won’t have to move a dozen things for someone to stay overnight.
I AM glad we downsized and got rid of STUFF, though. After cleaning out my mother-in-law’s house and all the things she had, I don’t want to leave my kids with a bunch of useless stuff to throw away.
It never ceases to amaze me how attached people are to so much stuff. Then I got through some of my own, and realize I have items I’ve had for 30 or 40 years. I still have a 4 X 6″ painting my mom painted for my 13th birthday. ? So I really can’t judge.
I’m sad to see you two go, but I love your new place, and in only ONE MORE YEAR, we will be able to come visit, and are likely to see you more often. Maybe we can even travel together one day. Have a fantastic Summer. ?
Hi Jamie…congrats on your new place. From your comments, your new place will be your new “rightsize” as it provides you with space for the gatherings you like to do along with allowing for overnight guests. Size is not specific and can be different for everyone. As Kathy says…no one size fits all. Because we now live in a resort setting we have access to so many amenities including a workshop, art studies a library along with pickle ball courts, etc. So not having to have to personally own and maintain so much is freeing. We love the idea of community more than ever. Looking back I can reflect on our “lifestyle creep” over the years…but sometimes you need go through it to understand it. Looking forward to getting together again with you and Cindy.
Hi Jamie! Yes, congratulations on your new place. And I’m sure you and Cindy thought long and hard about whether it was the right move for you at this time–and that is rightsizing. As long as our home fits our current needs and finances then no problem. But be careful of that “lifestyle creep!” so that you don’t end up with a house filled to the brim with stuff you don’t even remember! Hope to see you soon! ~Kathy
Hear, hear… 🙂
I’m so glad that you two made the step to change residences and commit to the tiny house. It is so liberating to have less stuff and therefore less issues and “weight”. We are currently staying in the small “vacation house” of my parents and I hate the fact that we have been buying stuff to make our lives here more comfortable. I often look around – whether it’s here or in our previous camper – to see which things I can get rid off. I love cleaning out our homes and getting rid of things.
And, talking about my parents, I’m quite fortunate that they decided at a “young” age to move into a service flat a few years ago and so they’ve done the heavy lifting all by themselves to move from the big house I grew up in into a one bedroom flat.
Hi Liesbet! I know that you and Mark have been committed to “small living” for as long as I’ve known you…even longer in fact. And how great that your parents have taken the steps to “rightsize” their own lives so that you and other family members won’t getting stuck with that. I think it has just become so common for the people of our world to equate their success and happiness to what they own. So for us (Thom and I) and certainly you and Mark, exploring, travel, seeing new sites and spending time with old or new friends is an easy trade off. Is it possible to do both? Maybe. But the more stuff we have the more it takes up space in our heads. Everything requires tradeoffs and that’s why I like to think of rightsizing as a way to explain the choices we all make on a day-to-day basis. As for you guys, your adventures continue in Europe now and serve as an inspiration for all of us. Keep it up! ~Kathy