Mom and I during our first trip to Hawaii in 1983
As a kid, I wanted to think of my mother as the most beautiful, loving and witty woman in the world. Didn’t we all? Then as I teenager, I came to the conclusion that she probably didn’t know half as much as I thought I knew about absolutely everything. Finally as an adult, I’ve come to understand that she was just a human being doing the best she could with the awareness and consciousness that she possessed at the time. Thankfully, I no longer need her to be other than who she was, and I can appreciate the love and gifts I learned from her along the way. That’s why in honor of Mother’s Day I decided to look back on the things she taught me to both do, and NOT do, to live a long, happy and healthy life.
My mother, Alice Louise Pfeif passed away almost exactly nine years ago today. At only 73, her death was a complex mixture of relief, anger and sadness. The situation became increasingly complicated by mom’s failing health and mental deterioration. For over five years, my father managed to care for her at home, but it cost him his own good health. And while my older sister Ann and I helped when we could, Dad insisted on being there for her and took on the duty with stoic pride. It’s taken me a while to admit all the feelings I carried inside following her death. I think it’s finally time to forgive her (and myself) for just being human.
A valuable practice that has benefited me most of my life is to list everything good that I’ve learned from any experience. From that perspective here are seven things I learned from my mother.
The To-Dos:
Grand Opening of my mother’s store in 1973.
1) Be fearless and never let anyone stop you from living your dreams. My mom gave my sisters and me lots of examples of how to be a strong woman. When she was young and growing up on a horse ranch she trained and rode race-horses, becoming the first female jockey to race and win a quarter horse race in the state of Nebraska. After high school, she left the country and married a young “townie” (my father), and they eventually moved to Southern California to settle down in the early 1960s.
Once she and Dad landed in California, she worked full time at a variety of jobs both out of necessity and desire. In fact, she later told me that she nearly went crazy as a stay-at-home mom with my older sister and me. She was never a cuddly type mom. Instead, she was quick, funny and fiercely independent.
A focused and determined worker her entire life, mom eventually convinced my reluctant father, and her own father and mother, to loan her the money to open a western store in her community. After a modest opening and a few rough years of low income, mom managed to grow that business into a success that helped finance both Mom and Dad far into retirement. Without a doubt, I know that it was her vision and grit that achieved that outcome. Her example is one I will treasure my entire life.
Mom in 1964
2) Don’t try to be someone you’re not. One big benefit Mom gave all my sisters and me was the example to be authentic and as real as possible. While I’m positive she had her own quiet demons, I never once saw her acquiesce into becoming someone or something other than who she was, even when it was me doing the wanting. And because she was so sure of that part of herself, she encouraged me to do the same.
One of my favorite memories of this quality was at a formal dinner party. My husband Thom and I were sitting with Mom and Dad at a table of eight. Another woman named Patty and her husband joined our table. While not without good qualities, Patty was the sort of woman who could compliment you and slice you off at the knees in the same sentence. On that night, Patty pointedly looked at my more-formal-than-normal attire and makeup and turned to my mother and said, “Oh Alice, doesn’t Kathy look nice wearing makeup? You should tell her to do that more often.” Without missing a beat, Mom said, “I gave up telling Kathy she should do anything years ago.”
Mom and I in Cancun in 1982
3) Make art and be creative any way you want—and never let the naysayers tell you otherwise. I’ve told the story of Mom and her art in another blog post: The Courage To Live Your Creativity With Stubborn Delight” for any artist or writer who is interested. But besides her art, Mom passed her love of reading down to me and from the first time I told her about my desire to write, she said nothing more than, “Of course you can.” For Mom it wasn’t about the outcome, it was always the journey.
4) You can be happy and loving with or without children. I didn’t set out to not to have kids. But when I told mom that Thom did not want them under any circumstances, and that I chose him over children, she was completely supportive. Eventually, she told me that if she had been given a choice (remember birth control wasn’t widely available until the mid-1960s), she wouldn’t have had any either.
The thing is, just because she would have preferred to choose otherwise, I never once doubted her love for me. She showed me that a woman could still be a good and loving woman in spite of not being overly “motherly” in the first place. Because of her example, I knew that I could also have a happy and fulfilled life without children myself.
The Don’t Do’s:
1) Loving someone isn’t enough to make a happy marriage. My parents stayed married for 55 years. But as I came to know, for much of that time my parents remained together out of convenience and commitment, not romantic love. Of course, both of them were human with good qualities as well as challenging ones. So while I knew they loved one another, I wanted far more from the person I choose to love and marry.
What I learned from my mother is that there is a cost to staying together in a relationship that isn’t satisfying. Watching mom through the years overlook and deny much of what she wanted just to keep the peace, helped to make me all the more determined not to live that way. She taught me that there is much more to a happy and interconnected relationship than just love alone.
Mom and I in Catalina 1979
2) Don’t stuff your voice for anyone or anything. My mother was a smoker her entire life. While certainly physically addicted, the biggest addiction was the emotional relief it gave her from not being able to speak freely what was in her heart and soul. Eventually, her physical health became a reflection of the decades she attempted to medicate the voices and desires within her. Watching the woman I loved and admired crumble in on herself, until what was left was a shell of her former self, caused a heartbreak that took time to heal.
3) Never fool yourself into believing that the choices each of us make don’t affect our health and wellbeing on every level. Because I think my mom was unhappy and unsatisfied on an emotional level, she stopped taking care of herself physically by continuing to smoke, drink alcohol, and take medications that were unhealthy almost to the day she died. While ultimately I believe that was her choice to make, it clearly affected her passing and everyone around her. While we don’t always get to choose some of the circumstances that unfold in our life, we can take steps to smooth the edges. And always, we have the choice of how we will respond.
Mom, Dad and I during our last trip together in Hawaii in 2001.
I loved my mother. I love her still. And I miss her. Well, actually I miss that woman who served as a strong model to me as a girl, and then evolved into a friend that stood by me and supported me as I grew into adulthood. What I definitely don’t miss, is how she allowed her smoking and lifestyle addictions to determine the outcome of her life.
While most of us have complicated relationships with our mothers, both now or in the past, we can all benefit by remembering and learning from what they did, or what they didn’t do, to show us how to live. Maybe even more importantly, is to never forget that most mothers are simply people doing the very best they can with what they think and know at the time. This year for Mother’s Day, I want to remember and focus on the SMART things Mom taught me, and then forgive and let go of the rest.
Question of the week: What is one thing that you learned from your Mom to do, or not do, that has helped you create a better life?
I love my mum absolutely. She is still here and doing well. I care for her and am so grateful for this time. If she was a well woman I most definitely would not see her as much as I would just get on with my life and she with hers. It’s a strange thing having illness and disability in the family but it makes us spend much more time with those people than we would otherwise. One thing I learned from my other is to never give up those things that you really hold dear.
Enjoy the journey!
Hi Mandy! How great that you have been able to get closer to your mom now that she has a disability. Every family is different for sure and no one else knows better than we do about what is behind all the actions. It sounds like your mom taught you something wonderful. Thank you for sharing that with all of us. ~Kathy
What a lovely tribute to your mother, Kathy. I think it’s especially telling the type of confident person you were to be able to accept your mother’s admission that had she been able to choose she wouldn’t have had children. So many would have taken that statement and turned it into a statement of rejection.
I can’t say I took anything positive from my mother instead I set out to be the complete opposite of her and looked to other mother’s as my role model when I became a mother myself.
Hi Lois! Yes thank you. It’s interesting that you should bring up the idea of rejection because one time when we were driving in the car with Thom’s parents they said something similar but it did sort of sound like rejection (of Thom that is!) His mom very blantantly said that if she had it to do over she would never have married Thom’s dad. Just the way she said it was such a negative to her entire life that it caused both Thom and I (who were riding in the back seat) to stare at each other with big eyes. Another reminder that the “intent” behind our statements is what REALLY matters.
Glad to hear that your mom taught you plenty of how not to be. Some of our life lessons are more pleasant than others but we can always learn right? Thanks as always for stopping by! ~Kathy
How horrible that must have felt for Thom at that moment. My grandparents often said they would have divorced had it been easier back then to get a divorce but then they also would temper that with the statement that they had been together for so long they couldn’t picture not being with each other. I understood they simply meant there were times marriage was hard and that people today don’t take the time to work out there problems because it’s easy to get a divorce. There’s a big difference in what they were saying and what Thom’s mother said.
Believe it or not, I haven’t always had the relationship with my mother that I have today. I think that most of what I do in my life now is in direct opposite of the life that my mother lived. I prefer it this way, but that doesn’t mean I don’t adore her.
Hi Rena! How great that you have a good relationship with your Mom. I know that you have a lot of challenges with her with her Alzheimer’s so it is a tribute to you that things are so good between you. With that said, I’m sure you had a great Mother’s Day! ~Kathy
Thank you Kathy, for this beautiful & honest post. Relationships with parents, especially moms, bring so much to the table, both good & bad. It took me a long while as well, to realize that my mom was not an infallible super hero who should always be able to do the right thing, but a very vulnerable being.
The one thing mom taught me is to take one’s own responsibility, esp. financially.
In India, a lot of women choose to become homemakers. This was the case with my mom too. This brought her a lot of hardships in her marriage. While I have seen many happy mothers, who were stay at home mom’s, I deeply appreciate her insistence & support for a good education and subsequent career. It has given me a strong foothold in life & much decision making power.
Though she is very stubborn by nature, these days I am able to have a fun & loving relationship with her! On some days, I feel like I can take on the role of a mini parent, and chide her on how she must take better care of her health, look forward to positive outcomes & pay attention to the little joy’s life brings.
Hi Anushree! Thank you for stopping by SMART Living and sharing your thoughts on this. I guess it doesn’t matter where in the world you are, we all have interesting relationships with our moms! But good for you that your are able to appreciate her now and enjoy spending time together. Cherish that for sure. It’s so easy to forget that our mom’s made different choices that we have because their lives often did not have all the benefits ours do today. Forgiving them and learning to see those choices through their eyes is a big step. ~Kathy
Just about the only thing I learned from Mum (and Dad too) was to not buy things on credit. I remember a childhood living from payday to payday, each week paying a little bit off each bill, never ever getting caught up, always broke.
As an adult now, I’m broke too, but I don’t owe any money anywhere.
Hi River! Well good for you AND for them. Learning NOT to go into debt is very valuable and I hope that you can appreciate your folks for “demonstrating” that powerful lesson to you. And from my perspective it is FAR better to be broke than in debt so that’s a positive from it all. I can’t remember if you are a mother, River…but if you are, “Happy Mother’s Day!” ~Kathy
This was just beautiful, Kathy, a moving tribute to your mom and the valuable lessons she taught you. Mothers (us as well) are imperfect creatures, usually harried, trying to make things go smoothly. My mother is still alive but living in a nursing home at 76 years young. Dementia and many physical maladies have taken their toll on her. Our relationship was ambivalent especially as I grew up with children of my own and witnessed her OCD behavior in most everything she did. The photo of your beautiful mom in 1964 looks so much like mine (my mom was a brunette) but the clothes and body type are similar. Thank for for posting this for Mother’s Day, and enjoy the day!
Hi Terri! I’m sorry that some of your memories of your Mom are difficult–especially now that it is even more complicated with the dementia. I think most of us struggle with the “story” or image we hold of the perfect mother-daughter relationship because even if you have it for a time, it doesn’t always turn out that way in the long run. Far better to forgive and be okay with our own personal version knowing it made us the people we have become today. I’ll bet you are a better mom yourself because of what you learned! Happy Mother’s Day! ~Kathy
Interestingly, the do’s and do not’s of motherhood move from one generation to the next. The influences we get from those closest to us can then shift from us to someone we may be influencing in our life. It may or may not be our own children. Kathy, what you’ve learned from your mother has helped you in your decisions and now by sharing, you’ve helped someone close in your life to make theirs. It’s never perfect, but hopefully that’s how we become strong, smart and forgiving beings. Thanks for your openness and sharing your thoughts.
Hi Laurie! I agree that when we are able to accept that we are ALL doing the best we can we are better able to positively influence others. Of course, it does call for some self-reflection and awareness, right? A primary goal I have here on SMART Living is to share what I’ve learned so thank you for your thoughts. May we all continue to do the same for each other. ~Kathy
I lost my mom 9 years ago too, Kathy. I like how you have memorialized her as a real human being. I think too often mothers are not allowed to be flawed, but are supposed to be perfect examples of perfect love. No one can live up to that and your essay is refreshing.
Hi Molly! Thanks for being part of the conversation. And yes, I think the vast majority of mothers do their very best out of the love they feel for us, but that love sometimes looks or acts different than we want. Of course, that is even more difficult when the entire world (in movies, stories, etc.) tries to tell parents just exactly how that is supposed to look. I think when we cut each other some slack about those expectations, we also give ourselves the freedom to just be who we are too. ~Kathy
It’s strange how our relationships with our parents colour our world into adulthood and still in midlife. I think my relationship with my mum has improved over the last decade as I’ve come to forgive some of her foibles. My dad was a whole different narcissistic kettle of fish – Alzheimers has robbed me of the opportunity of addressing some of those things, but maybe that’s good because I doubt he’d ever have changed. I’m glad you have so many good memories of your mum and the not so great ones are just about being human really aren’t they? x
Hi Leanne! Yes I actually think those early relationships color our whole lives by either directing us to either do the same, or the opposite. And yes, it does complicate things when the parent or anyone in the relationship has dementia or Alzheimers. I’m pretty sure that I would have stayed closer to Mom had she not slipped into that making her lifestyle choices even more impactful. I just couldn’t sit and watch it for long so I usually cut my visits short. Plus, when I eventually quit smoking and she didn’t, she was upset at me for laying down rules like no smoking in my home. But ultimately like you said it is recognizing they are just human and subject to “foibles” like us all. And I’ll bet what you’ve learned from yours is how to be a much better parent, right? Happy Mother’s Day Leanne! ~Kathy
It’s brave of you to take such an honest look and to present the thorns along with the roses. My mother is still here at 93, with faculties fairly intact, and that in itself is something I hope to imitate. (We shall see). We are different people in enough ways that, while we have a good relationship, it isn’t as close a one as some daughters have with their mothers. My mother tended to be a Polyanna-optimist when she was younger, and I considered myself a “realist.” I’ve come to realize that her amazing ability not to worry about her children stemmed not just from rosy optimism, but also from the fact that she isn’t a sentimental person, and that is something I can’t emulate however much I might try. She has been a life-long learner which may explain why she’s still so sharp at 93, and that is a lesson well worth paying attention to. (I wrote a post about her once, titled “A Little Bit of the Dream Lives On.” She was a horsewoman, who wrote a book about dressage.)
Thank you, Cathy, for this honest, thoughtful post.
What a moving post, Kathy. I continue to be amazed at the similarities in our lives–our relationship with our mothers is another one. Like you, I finally came to the understanding that mom did the best she could. It may not have always been the best thing for me and my sister, but it was the best she could do at the time. Like you, I think my mother taught me just as much about what NOT to do as she did about what to do–unfortunately, her lessons came through her modeling some not-so-healthy behaviors on several fronts. And like you, I watched my mother slowly kill herself by smoking even after she was diagnosed with COPD. She died in 2010. This kind of history does make Mother’s Day a bittersweet occasion. With time, it’s become easier to remember the sweet, and lay the other stuff to rest.
Hi Roxanne! Thank you. I didn’t know you’d had an “interesting” relationship with your mom. And even with people we’ve known a long time it’s difficult sometimes to guess all the dynamics that can happen between two people. I know that my other three sisters saw her differently than me and had their “own” issues so it really is a study in perspective I suppose. I’m not sure if it’s worse to have it not good for a lifetime or just gradually go from good to bad. Ultimately, it has to come down to what we get from it and then what we insist on carrying around with us after that. And yes, a big benefit to aging and time going by is learning to lay it down and remember the sweet. ~Kathy
We learn so much from our mothers and even though in many ways I was very different than mine, she supported my rebellious, hard driven spirit. I got a kick out of reading that your mom was first female jockey to win a race in Nebraska. I think forgiveness is the most important lesson I learned from my mom.
Hi Pat! Thanks for joining the conversation and I’m glad to hear that your mom supported your adventurous spirit. That’s a good thing for sure. And yes, if we can learn to overlook the bad and see the good we all come out better for it in the end. ~Kathy
Nice tribute to your mother and mothers everywhere. I’ve always said that if we just did what our mothers told us to do, no questions asked, we’d all be better off in the end. My own mother was pretty hands off. But I did learn from her that a stitch in time saves nine, and that you never wanted to be up a creek without a paddle. Two pieces of advice that have kept me out of trouble more than once.
Hi Tom! Isn’t it funny what we remember as the BIG lessons our parents taught us? Then as life goes on and we hear those words in our heads we just have to laugh. It’s great that you had two practical sayings from your mom to guide you. I’m left remembering things like, “clean your plate if want tomorrow to be a good day,” and “money doesn’t grow on trees.” In fact, it’s taken me most of my life to FORGET those two things! ~Kathy
I would have to say I learned more about what not to do from my mother than the other way around. I didn’t learn until ten years ago that she was bi-polar. It explained so much. This was a great tribute to your mom and testimony to the woman you are today. Great piece, Kathy.
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Hi Barbara! Oh sorry to hear that you had such a challenge growing up. While I had my difficulties I am humbled when I hear about other people’s struggles. But isn’t it the truth that some of the biggest lessons we learn are what NOT to do. I hope you’ve absorbed and learn to appreciate all those many things. And if you’re not quite ready to celebrate Mother’s Day, just keep on celebrating Cinco de Mayo 🙂 ~Kathy
It takes a maturity and clarity of emotions to see your parents as just people. Great post in capturing your Mother’s Spirit. She was a babe!
Hi Haralee! Yes I was always proud of the fact that I had a beautiful mom growing up. Now that she’s been gone so long it’s funny what I remember about her. Thankfully the good things are starting to stand out far more than the annoyances. May the same happen to me when I pass! ~Kahty
Mothers always supply the core of our future decisions. We listen and often accept what they say. This post attests to the great relationship you had with your mom and echoes some of the things I learned from my dear “Jinni.” Happy Mother’s Day, Beth
Hi Beth! Thank you and I’m glad to hear you look fondly upon your mom as well. I don’t doubt that you are a great mother and shared LOTS of wisdom with your kids and now grandkids. I hope they appreciate all that you share with them and can one day look back and be grateful. Happy Mother’s Day! ~Kathy
Mothers (probably fathers too, but especially mothers) are complicated human beings. You did a great job of capturing the good, the bad, and the ugly into one loving remembrance of a complete person. I think we often idealize our mothers, forgetting that they are so much more than our mommies. I regret not asking my mother more questions about her life before children. When I look at pictures of her younger self and read her diaries (my treasures), I get a glimpse of that woman… but only a glimpse. You are right to focus on the good and let go of the rest, and it sounds like there was a lot of good in your mother.
Hi Janis! Yes, it is far too easy to either make our mom’s out as saints or do the opposite and make them devils. One of my sisters is still convinced that mom what the most horrible mom possible and that favored me over her and that ruined her life. Having three other sisters it is so interesting to see how we each view Mom and our relationship with her in so many different ways. And I also agree that I so wish I had asked her more about herself when I had the chance. I think we think we know so much about them so we don’t need to know, but if they pass on, or even if they start losing it to dementia like Mom, there are so many things you will wonder about after a time. I hope you’ve been able to look back on your mom and be grateful. It does free up our minds and bring peace, especially when Mother’s Day rolls around. ~Kathy
Cathy, congratulations on writing what must have been a difficult but loving piece. You inspire me (as always). Perhaps I will post a Mother’s Day memory before Sunday.
The most important thing my mother taught me is that I am capable of making good choices and should always follow my heart.
Hi Nora! Thank you! I thought after blogging here on SMART Living that five years was enough time to process the mom-daughter thing so I appreciate your encouragement. It obviously took me a while not to be cranky at her for not taking better care of herself, but don’t we all struggle with choices of what we HAVE to do and what we SHOULD do? And as bloggers don’t we have a HUGE advantage to dig out the very best of any situation and learn from it? So glad to hear your mom taught you a couple of extrememly beneficial things. Happy Mother’s Day to you! ~Kathy
Now, this is a true portrait of love. It takes a while, but we all have to bury the whole person–which includes the positive and the negative. Your ability to do so is just awe-inspiring, Kathy. I love how you learned from both sides of her. That’s what being an adult is all about!
What a wonderful woman she was. And what a delightful daughter she raised.
Just love this!
Hi Susan! You said that so well! “We all have to bury the whole person–which includes the positive and negative”! I’ve never heard that said quite that way and really appreciate the perspective it adds. I heard somewhere that a sign of maturity is to be able to hold both sides of any equation in mind without insisting on a black or white perspective. I’m not always successful, but I do my best, especially with those close to me. Thanks for your input on this topic and your sweet words. ~Kathy
You are right, we & our mothers are complicated human beings doing the best we know how to do under the circumstances. How blessed you were to have a strong woman as your role model & one who supported you & the path you chose. Lovely tribute.
I am touched by your commentary regarding your mother. I had a difficult relationship with my mother, although as her health declined in later years, we managed to establish a more caring one. I can only imagine how long this type of descriptive summary might have taken me, so I greatly admire your result. You are an amazing woman and I enjoy your writing very much.
Hi Sandy! Thank you for joining the conversation. I’m sorry things were “challenging” with your mom early on but so glad to hear that you later managed to get closer. I’m not sure what might have happened if mom hadn’t suffered a series of small strokes and then received the “Alzheimer’s” diagnosis. So much of what made us close was talking and traveling and both of those weren’t good for about the last 4 or 5 years of her life. I know a lot of our distance was my fault but watching her chain smoke while deteriorating made me resentful so I ended up withdrawing. I guess that’s given me a deeper sympathy for anyone who deals with addiction in their family. It really tears you apart. Thanks again for your kind words and may we both continue to remember our moms with love and gratitude. ~Kathy
Hi Cathy! Thank you. I do consider myself fortunate to have been her daughter. But in some ways I think it is more difficult when you admire your mom for one or more things and then have to be “disappointed” by something else that they do. One of my sisters still blames her for all sorts of things so I guess Mom’s get stuck as the “perfect” mirror of life depending upon how we see the world. ~Kathy