Thom & I — 36 years later!
One of my blogging friends named Bethany turned 35 a couple of weeks ago and she wrote a blog post listing 35 different lessons she’s learned during her life. After getting over the shock of realizing I’d been married longer than she’s been on the planet—I realized that with my wedding anniversary happening this week, I had learned a great deal during the last 36 years of marriage. With the hope that some of these might prove useful to others, here’s my list:
- Make your spouse/partner your very best friend and treat him/her that way every single day.
- The love you feel after the first 5 or 10 years together is tiny compared to the love you’ll feel after 30.
- Share your joy as much (or more) as you share your pain.
- Let go of thinking of your possessions as mine and his/hers—share your resources.
- Make sure your spouse/partner experiences the best part of you far more often than the worst.
- Friends may come and friends may go—but think of your marriage as a forever thing.
- Spend lots of time thinking about what your partner does right—and hardly any time thinking about what needs improvement.
- Tell each other you love each other at least once a day (and mean it!)
- Make your relationship with your spouse/partner come before every other person in your life.
- The first 25 years are the most challenging—it gets better and better after that.
- Face every challenge from the same side.
- Never give up on each other.
- Talk things out—don’t go to bed mad, or carry grudges or resentments.
- Be honest about your partners talents, capabilities and character (and with your’s as well) & learn to flow, adjust and appreciate him/her as they are—or strongly consider moving on.
- It’s critical that you value, appreciate and respect each other.
- Hug as often as possible.
- Spend available time talking to each other about what’s really important, and forget to talk about trivia.
- Remember to say “Thank You” for all the hundreds of things he/she does for you every single day. Show appreciation.
- Do your best to be the kind of person that deserves the kind of relationship you crave.
- Forgive often—especially the little things—and yeah, just about all of them are little.
- Tell the truth, even when it’s uncomfortable.
- Always speak positive and well of each other when talking to others.
- Spend time together doing things you both like to do.
- Regularly plan and visualize your future together.
- Listen!
- Try to care about things your partner cares about.
- Remember, it’s ALWAYS better to be happy than right.
- Be the #1 fan and cheerleader of your partner’s dreams and goals.
- Regularly take the time and put focus on making love.
- Get on the same page about how and when to save and spend money.
- Continually make an effort to try new things and keep learning together as much as possible.
- Travel and explore together.
- Be the one who apologizes first.
- Highlight, support and encourage what is best in your partner, and do your best to ignore and overlook all the rest.
- Laugh together loudly and often.
- Never forget that every day you can choose to be happy, more in love, more healthy and live life to its fullest—remember you get to make it up!
Obviously I could write a blog post about each and everyone one of these lessons but I thought it was valuable just to let my mind have free rein and jot down what’s important. After many years together it is easy to take many of the little things about a good relationship for granted. But we’ve all witnessed relationships that have grown stale and drifted apart, and complacency is almost always at fault. Instead my biggest recommendation on my 36th Wedding Anniversary is put as much time and effort into your relationship, as you do on all the other things you do in your life that you consider important. That of course will lead to living SMART 365.
So, what’s ONE tip that you would add to this list based upon your relationship? Please share in the comments below.
Wow..You guys are really an inspiration. I am going to marry the girl I love in a couple of months and I already have the list of things to do to make her feel special right from the day one. Thanks Kathy 🙂
Hi Mike! Welcome to SMART Living! I’m glad that you see us as an inspiration. Congratulations on your upcoming marriage and it’s success. Just the fact that you are reading posts like this is a BIG sign that you’ll create a happy and long-lasting one yourself. ~Kathy
Great post and very true comments there. I have been married 20 years and we have been to hell and back (with me having cancer) and now we have a disabled son to look after but all this just makes us stronger together.
My Katie certainly comes first before anything else in this world and I make sure she knows it
Hi John! Congratulations on your 20 years together. If my life is an example it just gets better and better from here on out, especially after going through so many challenges. Stay true to each other and it will! ~Kathy
I WOULD JUST LIKE TO SAY….. AMEN!!! AMEN!!! AMEN!!!
Surely, if every married couple take these 36 suggestions to heart and follow these suggestions with gladness, they will indeed experience more happiness with each other every year!! 🙂
What a beautiful piece. My favorite was number 6 “Friends may come and friends may go—but think of your marriage as a forever thing”.
It’s a real shame that more people don’t look at these lessons when things get a bit rocky within their relationship.
Hi Samantha! Welcome to SMART Living and thanks for joining the conversation. And I’m glad you agree with #6! I hear so many women tell me that they would rather be with there girlfriends than with their husband. UHM? If that works for you okay but it definitely says something about the marriage. Thanks again for your comment. ~Kathy
With all the negativity there is on the Internet, I found your post to be very refreshing and fun to read! I liked all your suggestions very much, but #5 was the one that resonated the most with me: “Make sure your spouse/partner experiences the best part of you far more often than the worst.” Whether “the best part of you” is empathy, spontaneity, or a great sense of humor, there’s no reason to let those qualities fall by the wayside just because the honeymoon is over. Thanks for the reminders!
Hi Joel! Welcome to SMART Living. I am glad you found this post fun to read and helpful. And yes, doesn’t it make sense that we should share the best of ourselves with those we love rather than the opposite? Still, as we both have likely seen, far too many relationships often drag up the worst. I intend to keep my focus on the good and am happy to remind others to do the same. Thanks for stopping by and leaving a comment. ~Kathy
Enjoyed your post, added it to my favorites, I agree completely, Darlene and I have been married and on our honeymoon for 43 years now. The thoughts I could add is, Our marriages are like gardens, give them alittle water, little sunshine and a little tender weeding and they will grow and flourish, Neglect them and things tend to wither and dry up.
Thank Greg
Hi Greg! Welcome to SMART Living. Thanks for sharing some of your experience with all of us. I LOVE your analogy of how marriage is like a garden that needs tending to make it a good one. And taking that thought even further, a good garden feeds our bodies and our souls. Definitely a good reminder. Thank you so much for stopping by! ~Kathy
These are beautiful ! I especially love #7 and #27. People usually spend too much time focusing on the negative, and it’s time that we change that 🙂 Not only will it do our relationships a world of good, but our lives in general. It never hurts to think of all of the great things about our partner and zero in on those and choose to focus on their good qualities instead of the bad.
Hi S Conner! Thank you for stopping by SMART Living and sharing your thoughts on this. Isn’t it true that it is usually easier to focus on what is going wrong that all the things that are going right–and it’s not just in our marriages either! And I also agree that that #27 is similar in that it doesn’t matter who we are dealing with–happiness is much more than being right! Thanks again for your comment! ~Kathy
“The love you feel after the first 5 or 10 years together is tiny compared to the love you’ll feel after 30.”
What a wonderful statement to make! Its the beginning of the marriage that makes things challenging. Lots of ups and downs. But at the end of the day, if a wife and husband support and love each other, then all the trouble is worth it. Beautiful post. Good to see someone in 36 years of marriage 🙂
Hi Swathi! Thank you for stopping by SMART Living and sharing your thoughts. I agree that the beginning of a marriage (especially after the “honeymoon effect” has worn off) is the most difficult. Then of course comes children (in most cases) and life itself. And yes, supporting and loving each other at the end of the day makes it all worth while. Thanks again for your comment! ~Kathy
Honestly, I feel like sending this article to all of my past clients. As a wedding photographer in Miami, a lot of my brides and groom are now divorced. =[ It so sad that people don’t take marriage as seriously as they should. Great article!
Hi Giganni! Glad you liked this post. And yes, marriage shouldn’t be all work and no play–but there are some important lessons to be learned before and during that can make all the difference. ~Kathy
Thanks for the great list, i got an idea to write new article on my blog 🙂
Thanks Kathy, GBU
Cheers
Dave
Marriage Tips
Hi David! Thanks for stopping by SMART Living and leaving a comment. I’m glad I got you thinking–that is a HUGE goal of mine! ~Kathy
Hi Kathy, I think you have done a great job and you have listed all most every topic in the list. But I especially like number 6 point “Friends may come and friends may go—but think of your marriage as a forever thing”. I think this is the most important part to keep your marriage healthy. Thank for your great article. Keep it up my friend.
Hi Suzana! I’m so glad you liked this post and my tips. I don’t have all the answers but I do like to look at what has worked for me and share it with others. This fall it will be 37 years and I might have learned even more. 🙂 Thanks again for stopping by and leaving a comment. ~Kathy
Hi Kathy, your post and all your tips are amazing. I too think that its important to apologize first. If we will wait for our partner to apologize first, it may effect our relationship adversely.
Hi Mirza! Thanks for stopping by SMART Living and sharing your thoughts. I agree that if we wait around for anyone, especially our partners, we could be waiting a long time–and that will definitely effect the relationship. Thanks for pointing that out. ~Kathy
Thanks for the great list. Tips are absolutely amazing and your photos are very cute.
Happy Anniversary!
Hi Ron! Thanks for coming by SMART Living. I’m glad you like the tips…they are all tried and true. And yes, the photos bring back a LOT of memories from the 70s! ~Kathy
I’m sure that these are some of the best elements to a successful relationship that couples can get. When we have the right people in our lives we can depend on them to get us through the hard times. 36 yeas of marriage is not easy. It comes with challenges. Both of you have faced them and I am sure that a lot of people are looking up to you as their role models on how they would want their respective marriages to be.
Hi Tavia! Thank you for stopping by SMART Living and sharing your thoughts. And you are very kind to say that people look up to us. My goal for writing about our relationship was to show others what is possible, and while I don’t think everything that works for us will work for others, I sincerely hope that it will help. I think we all can use encouragement and ideas and hope that this article offers some of that. Deep love and long lasting relationships are DEFINITELY possible for any two people who are willing to stick it out. Thanks again for coming by. ~Kathy
Mine is to celebrate everything–holidays, all anniversaries, accomplishments, milestones and even flops!
Hi Barbara! Thanks for stopping by SMART Living and leaving a comment! I so-o-o-o agree about celebrating. I will celebrate too for just about any reason anytime or anywhere! It is one way to enjoy each other’s company AND have a fun life ~Kathy
Kathy, your list was very eye-opening to me. You and I have both decided to break tradition and live a life we felt was right for us. Where you didn’t have children, I never married. I learned early on that I wasn’t cut out for marriage. I have great friend who at one time I was involved with, but for whatever reason it never felt right to make it permanent. I am a loner first and while I love having a relationship I need more time alone than a marriage would provide which isn’t fair to the other person.
Hi Lois…as always, your perspective is valued. I actually didn’t know until now that you never married. I do agree that if you don’t find the right person then it is madness to marry. I also know several people who married and really didn’t belong together. Of course it is much more complicated when kids are involved so often they stay married, “for the sake of the kids.” But honestly, does an example of an unhappy marriage benefit the kids?
Either way I think it is further proof that you knew yourself well enough to know what works best for you, regardless of what others thought. And that in itself is a huge relationship lesson! While I don’t consider myself a loner, I have always felt that just having a husband around was about as much as activity and noise as I could stand in the house (especially when I’m writing) so I can’t even imagine accomplishing it with kids. On the other hand, Thom is more of a loner than me–but together we seem to compliment each other. But again, we are all so individual that I think our best bet is getting to know what is important to us and then living that life rather than be who we aren’t. ~Kathy
Congratulations Thom and Kathy! Ah–almost made me cry. What a great list. You are each other’s best friends and you are challenging us to “be sure your spouse/partner experiences the best part of you far more often than the worst.”
As a psychotherapist, I wish I could have more of my clients do number 7. “Spend lots of time thinking about what your partner does right—and hardly any time thinking about what needs improvement.”
Keep up the good and maybe you will blog more about some of these!
Hey Gary! Thank YOU so much your comment. I know that you and your partner have been together almost as long as Thom and I (although you weren’t able to marry until a couple of years ago) so I’m sure you’ve got lots of great lessons you could add as well.
I’ll bet as a psychotherapist you’ve seen many examples of what can lead to trouble in a relationship–and yes, I’m sure one of those is complaining and/or picking apart his/her partner all the time. Instead I find that when I take the time to put my focus on all the many things that Thom does right, I not only remember why I love him, but also how fortunate to have him in my life. Much, much better right?
And yes, I’m sure some of these will end up in a blog post or two down the road. Meanwhile, please continue to drop by and leave your personal AND professional comments here on SMART Living. As I said to my friend Karen–I’m not an expert, just someone who enjoys sharing what she’s learned and read along the way. ~Kathy
This is such an awesome list! Happy Anniversary!!
The second thing on your list is so unbelievably true. It’s only through living with each other, learning how we respond to life’s ups and downs, and sharing day to day “small” stuff, etc that we can TRULY see how much there is to love in each other. I’ve been married for 15 years and it’s just starting to get good!! 😉
Thank you for sharing these 36 things. XO
Hi Valerie! Thanks for stopping by SMART Living. I’m so glad you like my list. I actually had a lot of fun thinking it through and writing it all down…and I’m glad you can appreciate #2….congratulations to yourself to making it to 15…because it honestly does get better and better. The most challenges and differences that we had to work through certainly came during those first 15 years…Hang in there and don’t give up on each other! Thanks again for your comments. ~Kathy
Kathy, I love this blog – it is so filled with loving wisdom. In addition to all you’ve said, and also the others who have contributed, I would add that for Irwin and me (38 years) respect for each other has provided a great compass – especially at times when we’re feeling at odds with one another or arguing about something. Respect helps us to pause and listen to each other, and also helps us to steer clear of angrily making demeaning, insulting comments – and instead to stick to the issue at hand. Also honoring one another’s need for alone-time has been such a good thing for us. And things always look better in the morning (for us) – so we try to “press the pause button” on evening conversations that are stressful or upsetting. (If you’re not morning people, then I guess that wouldn’t be such a good idea:-) Thank you – oh wise and loving one – for sharing – and for sparking these awarenesses in all of us. xoxoKaren
Hi Karen…thank you so much for stopping by and adding to the conversation. And yes, that respect that you speak of is so very, very important. Can’t you always tell when a relationship is rocky when the partners start complaining or cutting into their significant other? But when you do respect and appreciate your partner I think it helps you trust them and listen and like you say, “pause” even when in the heat of the moment.
And thank you for adding that giving each other alone time is also good advice. Thom and I are both pretty independent people so even though we love and crave each other’s company, we also appreciate quiet time as well. I think that’s always easier when you have complete trust in each other.
I like your idea about waiting until morning for some people. Unfortunately that one wouldn’t work for Thom and I 🙂 We both tend to be VERY vocal and find it hard to hold things inside (the good news and the bad news) so for us is is always better to get it out and move on. However, I do know lots of people who would benefit by waiting for things to cool down. It really depends on what works for you as a couple don’t you think?
Thank you dear friend for sharing your insights. Congratulations to you and Irwin for your great 38 years together–you sure have plenty to teach us all. As with most stuff I write about I don’t consider myself an expert–only sharing what I’ve observed and read and learned along the way. Please jump in any time with your great wisdom. Love back to you! ~Kathy
Absolutely wonderful. No wonder you’ve had so many amazing years together.. Blessings!!
Hi Katie! Thank you! It has been an amazing bunch of years…. ~Kathy
Kathy, great advice here and congratulations on 36 years of wedded bliss. I would add to this list by saying “don’t try to change your partner – he is what he is”. I see so many women who think they can change the men they marry and then are disappointed when they fail. Loved the photos too!
Hi Kathy! Thanks for stopping by and joining the conversation. And thank your for your addition to the list…you are SO right. There are lots of men AND women who are convinced that when they get together their spouse will change into the person they want them to be instead of the person they are. My experience is that Thom has just become more of who is really was…and me too. We’d all save each other LOTS of grief if we’d just accept that right from the beginning right? Thanks again for sharing your thoughts. ~Kathy
The tips are great but I also love the photos of the two of you. Your time together in photos tells so much. Happy Anniversary for the first 36 years and good wishes for the next 36.
Hi Christine….thanks for the comments. I’m glad you liked the tips AND the photos. Bethany posted some on her lessons as well and I agreed that it was a fun idea. Thanks for your good wishes, and YES! for 36 more! ~Kathy
HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!!!!!!
You two are so cute together, in the pictures. 🙂 And so I was born, when you were married for one year…that is funny!
One thing I’ve learned, over the past year actually, is that difficult times WILL happen but they CAN be weathered. Just do what you both need to do to get through them, then come back together and forgive yourselves and each other–because you both did the best you could, with what you had at the time.
Hi Bethany! Thank you for the anniversary wishes and of course, thank you for the idea. I thought it was a fun way to read what was on your mind and I also loved seeing you in the photos….Thom is a little more photo shy than me so he was a little worried about what photos I would post…but I just picked ones that represented certain milestones in our lives and like I said to Wendy–this turned out to be one of the more “fun” posts I’ve ever done. Thank you again for the idea.
And yes, I so agree that it’s important to recognize that you will face some tough times together–how could you not with all those years together? The best thing about that is that you feel so much closer and more connected when you do make it through the hard times and find that you are growing stronger together. Maybe that is why it does get easier after 25–if you stay close and continue to grow together through all the “stuff” then you know you are meant to be…. ~Kathy
I loved this post!!! Everything you wrote about a good marriage is so true. I loved the pictures you added throughout the article, they are so sweet.
Hi Wendy! Thank you….I got the idea about posting photos from Bethany…it was fun to see her so I thought others might enjoy seeing us in some of our various stages of growth. And best of all, it was a fun post to create. ~Kathy
This is a pretty thorough list, Kathy. Not sure there’s a lot to add. 🙂 We celebrated our 26th wedding anniversary last May! The only thing I would add to your list is, hold hands! When I see couples who have been married 50, 60 years or more, inevitably they are holding hands. There must be some magic in hand-holding! 🙂
Congratulations to you and Thom on 36 happy years and many more to come!
Hi Nancy…oh you are so right! Thom and I hold hands a lot! Ha! I knew there was more to add. And congratulations on your 26th…isn’t it sort of strange to have been married so long? It honestly doesn’t feel that long–but when you put a number to it, it seems like forever! And now that you’ve made it past 25, trust me, it will get better and better. ~Kathy
That’s what I’m counting on! And yeah, crazy to think 26 years married + 4 years dating = 30+ years together. And I’m just turning 47!
Hi Nancy….and congratulations to you too! With 30 years together you’ve definitely made it through the tough stuff! But you started when you were just babies! Thom and I’s “courtship” was much shorter…we met in January…which is our 37th meeting anniversary…and then moved in together fairly soon after….we were both in our early 20s. Either way, isn’t it crazy to think of being together for so long? The only people I ever thought of being married 30 or 35 years were OLD! And I just don’t feel that way. I guess the new 30 year or 35 year or 40 year anniversary is the new 20???? Ha! The big payoff is the happiness. Hope you had a wonderful Canadian Thanksgiving and have lots to be thankful for including your relationship! ~Kathy