This is what I remember after climbing all 248 steps to the top of The Pyramid of the Sun.
I am the second daughter of a family of four girls. If you asked any of us what we remember about our childhood and our parents, you would definitely receive four different answers. One is adamant that both my parents were alcoholics. Another one is convinced they were the best parents in the world. Who’s right? Both actually. That’s because the chosen memories each of us holds in our minds determines the story of our past. Unfortunately, even though you and I would like to believe our memories are flawless, they are seldom an accurate portrayal of what really happens at any given time. Instead, the majority of our memories are a process that we use to make meaning and sense of our experiences. But with most of that process unconscious, the quality of both our past and our future reflects the stories we habitually focus on and tell. Want a better future? Choose to remember, and then tell, a better story about your past.
Could it really be that simple? Well no. That’s because the way we create our memories is a complicated business. Fortunately for us all, science now proves that altering them in a positive way is possible. Reading up on some of the latest in memory research is a good place to start.
Generally, most of us think of our memory as a DVR or video recorder. We think that when something happens in our lives, our minds “record” the information and store it away until needed. Yet even though most of us admit we routinely forget large chucks of what happened, we still persist in thinking that it is possible to recall information and events accurately. While some of us are better at it than others, the vast majority of us do worse than we acknowledge.
What’s going on? Basically our memories all begin with our sensory perception. We like to believe we know and observe everything going on around us all the time, but we actually only perceive a tiny percentage of the input happening at any given moment. Of course, consciously and unconsciously we pre-guide our minds to primarily pay attention to things we believe are important, unique, or threatening. The remaining thousands of bits of input are then lost in an instant.
Once we focus on and perceive something, we usually hold that perception in our short-term memory to evaluate whether we want to continue to “store” it or not. Sadly, our short-term memory is quite limited. On an average most people can only hold seven things in their mind for approximately 20 to 30 seconds.
However, when something is important enough, and judged by us as worthy of remembering, the perception is transferred to our long-term memory banks for future use. Still, what we later recall isn’t really the exact observation. Instead, what we store is the overall general idea of the memory—the “gist” of the story—based upon how we choose to interpret it. Even when we manage to hang on to a few of the more important details, what we really recollect is often inaccurate. As author and psychologist Leonard Mlodinow says in his book Subliminal, “…when pressed for the unremembered details, even well-intentioned people making a sincere effort to be accurate will inadvertently fill in the gaps by making things up.” Unfortunately that’s a big problem because as Mlodinow continues, ”People will believe the memories they make up.”
That’s where the memory problem becomes really tricky. Mlodinow mentions several studies that show when we repeatedly tell our interpretation of the story, and then recall it at a later date, “there wasn’t just memory loss; there were also memory additions.” With time we tend to “smooth out” our memories and fit them into a comfortable narration that fits our prior knowledge of the world. It is very human to want to find meaning and make sense of the world and our experiences. So, when we remember, we rewrite our memories into a story to fits our “prior knowledge and beliefs,” and even our “preformed tendencies and bias.” In fact, Mlodinow is convinced that with memory, “Inaccuracy was the rule, not the exception.”
Quite a few humorous examples exist that show how mistaken we can be when we rely on our memory. Anyone remember Candid Camera? A phenomenon called, “change blindness” shows how we often mistakenly recall a person asking for direction when they are switched in real world interactions. Regrettably, these false memories or stories frequently have tragic repercussions. The Innocence Project, an organization that uses DNA testing to exonerate those wrongfully convicted of crimes reports that 73% of those cases overturned through DNA testing were based on eyewitness testimony. In other words, the victims involved pinpointed the wrong person nearly 75% of the time. According to Mlodinow, police know without a doubt that about 20 to 25% of the time a witness will identify the wrong person in a line up simply because the police know that person was a “plant.” With such routine inaccuracies, relying on eyewitness identification is extremely unreliable.
The implications of how our faulty memories affect our day-to-day lives are huge, but most of us remain unaware. Recent studies verify that false memories can be implanted by suggestion to subjects, and can literally help shape new attitudes and preferences. Examples include what kinds of food to eat or avoid, alcohol consumption quantity and preferences, and even voting preferences and how we remember political events. Each of these show how memories are susceptible to being altered by changing what it is we think we remember. Photo doctoring is an especially powerful way to plant false memories—as is asking the “right leading question” at the right time. For the most part, the new memory is more accepted when congruent with prior attitudes and evaluations, but that they can be so easily altered is worthy of deep consideration. As an article about memory in Slate Magazine says, “The scary part is that your memories have already been altered. Much of what you recall about your life never happened, or it happened in a very different way.”
The good news in all of this is that if our memories can be adjusted without us knowing about it, can we also work to alter them in a proactive and positive way to rewrite our past and then create a better future. Why not? The book Hardwiring Happiness by Rick Hanson Ph.D. is convinced that with practice and focus we can effectively train our brains and “sensitize it toward the positive” on a regular basis. Using several techniques described in his book, he also says “taking in the good is the deliberate internalization of positive experience in implicit memory.” Again with effort, it is possible rewrite our experiences and memories in ways that bring us more peace, happiness and meaning.
Obviously the more difficult and traumatic the memory the more challenge we will face in changing them. But the work of people like Dr. Elizabeth Loftus, considered the premier memory doctor in the world, proves that completely unreal memories can be planted when we never question what it is we think we experienced—especially when the new “memory” comes from someone we trust. Yet in the end, at least according to Slate Magazine, Dr. Loftus believes the primary purpose of this innate ability is to “conveniently adjust” what we think we remember in order to “promote happiness or, at least, to avoid depression.” So perhaps it’s advisable to use it to heal and help, rather than perpetually indorse or reinforce a tragic past.
Each of my sisters and I have the choice, yes the choice, to decide the quality of our past and our memories of our parents. After all, every person’s life is usually filled with a collection of both good and bad experiences. What we individually choose to focus on, highlight, and repeatedly tell others, and ourselves, can either lead to a happier life, or reinforce the past negatively. Even when it’s not easy, it is important to remember it is possible.
Obviously this short article cannot offer all the studies available that prove that our memory is largely a fictional story that we choose to believe. Still, it is also good to keep in mind that there are techniques that can help rewrite and alter those stories, and the book Hardwiring Happiness is one way to start. What is SMART and essential above all, is to acknowledge that we are the authors of the story of our lives and that the book is never ever, ever finished as long as we still walk the earth. Until then, let’s keep rewriting the story until we achieve the happiness and peace we seek.
Amazing blog, had a kind of nostalgic feeling, it is so thoughtful and brilliant. It holds so good for my family and I! It makes me think of those old days when I used to be a kid and think of future, really thoughtful and moving.
Hi Deepak! Welcome to SMART Living! I’m glad you enjoyed the blog and found it thought provoking. Thanks for your comment. ~Kathy
Love this as it’s a subject I studied both in school, at work as a geriatric social worker–the oldest are sometimes thought to have the most true memories of their lives for various reasons while their children…
And as a reporter I worked on the false memories of the 1980s for over a year when working on a series of articles about the Friedman family of Great Neck, LI. Jesse Friedman and his father were convicted pedophiles—but the time frame—they taught after school computer classes; parents were usually around and even if they weren’t did they have time to undress and dress the children besides do everything they were supposed to have done? The father killed himself in prison. Many kids later recanted yet Jesse was never exonarated.
I would love to believe he was innocent but I don’t know–I lean toward his guilt, sadly though I had many fights with my editor who was always convinced of his guilt.
I wrote 3 cover stories. Jesse called and asked me to recant the story that was completely about him. I told him I couldn’t as it was on tape–a tape recorder that I had him check every 20 minutes so he would be completely aware I was taping him.
Yet a part of me will always remember the false memories and how easily that spread.
His brother, who I thought was the true victim in this and completely innocent, was the first person to talk about the photo theory to me–we look at photos and see a story. But are they real stories or cumulations of stories we have told ourselves all our lives or since the photo was taken? Simplistic but in 13 years I have never looked at family photos the same way!
Thanks for this wonderful post. I should really make this comment into one!
Hi Pia! Thank you for adding such a powerful perspective to this post and the entire idea. I think it is really, really difficult for any of us to think that we don’t remember what we think we remember. Our brains process the information is such a seamless way that it feels so very true to us. Fortunately I’ve never been in the sort of situation where I really had to question the repercussions of whether a memory was true or not like you. How difficult that position would be!
When I was researching the article I “remembered” how 10-20 years ago or so there were all those accusations against child molesters and had to pause and ask myself what has changed. Apparently the work of Dr. Loftus helped bring the issues out, yet she was repeatedly attacked for even questioning the memories behind such horrible stories. It’s a tricky subject for sure when it concerns such horrific actions.
But if we do have this innate ability–then why not use it to turn our lives around to the better? If we can imagine something so awful, it should be possible to imagine something empowering. Like I hope I implied, not always easy, but it should be possible with the right motivation. But the VERY first thing we have to do is question our memories at all times! Thanks again Pia for adding this important perspective! ~Kathy
Like Carol, I too have often thought my mother makes up her past. The thing is, she really believes what she remembers, even when a few of us try to tell her differently. That’s when I grow concerned.
But, based on what you outline here, none of us can really be certain of what we remember. I think that could be scary for some — people tend to value a knack for remembering things. But, there’s also so much potential for liberation. If we can effectively rewrite the negative feedback and traumas of our past that shackle our beliefs in ourselves in the present, imagine what we’d be capable of doing the future!
I’m also enamoured with the idea of our past, present and future being a story that we write and rewrite. It must be the writer in me.
Hi T.O. Yes, it is pretty funny when talking with someone who is completely convinced they remember it perfectly while we have another completely different memory. And yes, from what little research I did it was fairly clear that all of our memories are “adaptations” of what happened. But as you point out, that “potential for liberation” goes hand in hand with that. If we can adapt in a scary or hurtful way, we can do exactly the opposite with effort.
Plus it makes perfect sense that as writers we should fully embrace the idea of writing, and rewriting, our story over and over. 🙂 Thanks for adding to the conversation! ~Kathy
Fascinating. I often accused my mother of recreating history. Maybe this is what was at work. As a memoirist, it is important for me to use what really happened to serve my personal growth, so I do try to dig through what might have happened to what really did happen. If I can. I think I’ll go back and read it again!
Hi Carol! From everything I read about it I do think we remember the “background” story of what happens to us as long as it wasn’t too traumatic or difficult for us to understand. But what happens is that the details get blurry and if we force ourselves to remember them then, our minds just creatively fill them in. Technically the more “creative” we are the more we have to watch out for it! And the new studies that show how they can inplant memories (especially in young children) is particularly interesting because the implications are huge. I think for any of us that like to remember things, a journal (or a constant video camera!) is a good idea. ~Kathy
I have just started going down the memoir-writing lane–wanting to share with my grownkids and their kids what it was like growing up, starting a career, socializing and working in a very different era. I think my memories are in tact–tho they have been hard to confirm with, say, former co-workers who don’t remember the same details I do. I am always surprised when my kids confront me with an anecdote from their childhood–and I can’t place it or when I can, don’t remember it the same way.
which is a long way of saying, thanks for the primer on memory. helps make sense of things.
Hi Penny! Doesn’t this information about our memories provide an interesting perspective on writing a “memoir”? I hope you’ve had a chance to read over some of those links I provided in the post because they make it pretty clear that much of what we believe about our past is a product of our own interpretation of the experience, in spite of what we “believe” we remember. And now that there are so many studies that prove that, we have to assume that EVERY single “memoir” that we read is likely the same. Of course the good news is that you can choose to make your memoir the very best possible and who can say that isn’t the truth. ~Kathy
This is so very interesting. I have four siblings myself and we often disagree on how things happened in our pasts.
Hi Rena! I think our bothers and sisters offer such a good perspective on this idea–and excellent reminders to realize how flexible our memories really are. Let’s just remember that our memories are such a product of how we are and how we view the world that we need to keep that in mind if our past is anything less than something that inspires us. ~Kathy
Hi Kathy – I just wanted to say how much I’ve enjoyed reading your posts – this one is very true and – if it’s okay with you – I might even steal a bit of it to blog about one day (I’ll make sure I link back to you if I do!) I really like the thought of choosing to remember the good stuff rather than dwelling on the bad ~ Leanne 🙂
Hi Leanne! Thank you. I consider it an honor to be quoted on someone else’s blog. And because one of my big intentions is to get people to think–and if I’ve managed that, then I’m really happy. Thank you. ~Kathy
It is so true – we just remember how things make us feel, not what was said or done.
Hello Kathy, Your blog posts are always so refreshing and energetic. how do you manage it every single time? I discovered your blog only today and I agree with each and every line in this post. We can recreate a different past on the basis of memories stored with us and our dear ones. It is like seeing the same snap using a different color contrast or through its negative. Thanks and Keep it up. Cheers!
Hi Jeremy! Thanks for stopping by SMART Living and sharing your thoughts. I’m glad you enjoyed this perspective. Not always easy but very, very good to remember. And I like you example of a memory as a photo we can always adjust. ~Kathy
This is a great article. Some of these things I knew – about the unreliability of memory – but the idea of using this in a positive way is new, and very heartening. Thanks.
Hi Carol! Thanks. You know I can’t help but try to find that silver lining no matter what! I just love the idea that we can “choose” to remember whatever we want. Why not? As they say, “our school history books were written by the conquerors.” Let’s write ours in the same way. ~Kathy
Another fascinating subject Kathy, I do enjoy your blogs. My husband is one of 6 and the memories of stories varies from each of them on the same events and of course one is absolutely right and the others completely wrong. Perceptions in memory is also something that is interesting. Why did I remember someone as a mean person when some one else thought they were kind? Did I oversee an action or was it the look or an interaction with me different? All interesting stuff .
Hi Harlee! Thanks for your comment. And yes, we have to watch our perceptions because they definitely guide our memories–both good and bad. That’s why the saying, “we don’t see the world the way it is, we see the world the way “we” are” works the about the same as, “we don’t remember the world the way it is, we remember the world the way “we” are.” Now remember THAT is equally challenging! ~Kathy
I think I knew early on that I didn’t hold on to all my memories but it was brought back to me when my grandmother died in 2000. She had kept all the letters I had written her from my year in California (1981-2). My grandfather gave me back the letters believing they were my property to decide what to do with. As I read through the letters I was shocked by how much from that year I had forgotten, most of it the negative stuff. For some reason I wanted to remember the good of the relationships and time from that period rather than the negative experiences.
Around the same time my oldest son began to share with me his feelings about his childhood. His memories are so very different from his brother’s on the same subjects and again different from mine (actually my youngest and I seemed to remember the situations pretty much the same).
Hi Lois! What a great example of how you were able to “check” your own personal memories. And it sounds like you consciously or unconsciously decided to stay with the “happier story” to remember the good. I’m sure many of us do that unconsciously, but if we don’t it’s also good to know that we can “retrain” ourselves and start altering any memories that don’t live up to the past we want to remember.
And interesting how one son was more like you but the other wasn’t so much. I think again that might be underlying personality traits. I didn’t read any research on that. Only the persistent reminder that our memories are not nearly as reliable as all of us want to believe. Thanks again for your thoughts on this. ~Kathy
I laughed at Lizzie’s comment, because I feel the same way! There is so much useless information up in my grey matter that it’s a wonder I can sort through it all. Pictures definitely help spark memories, and she’s right, we’re usually smiley/happy in photos – so that probably contributes to my rosier-coloured memories!
Hi Nancy T! Yeah…when you think about some of the worthless stuff we do seem to store away then one can only imagine all the other stuff we let go. But according to the memory experts, we hang on to stuff we feel will help us “fill in the story” of the world the way we think it ought to be–good or bad. That’s why hanging on to all those happy photos of great travels are really good. Of course then I had to think of all those “family” or obligatory photos that we take. If you look the expressions on everyone’s face you can see there are often different “stories” going on. ~Kathy
I often find that, when I’m in a disagreement with my husband, we often have completely different memories of what led up to it. We are both so sure that our memory is correct, but, of course, each of us remember it in a way that makes us “right.” I’m not knowingly making things up, and I trust him enough to know that he isn’t either. When that happens, we’ve learn to just accept that we remember things differently and, ultimately we have each other’s best interest at heart… and just move on.
Interesting too about family memories. My in-laws have very different memories about their childhood and when I hear them discuss it, I have realized that some of it is a big age difference (therefore it’s possible that they had “different parents”), and some is how they have chosen to remember and internalize their experiences.
Hi Janis! Yes, when we have that kind of relationship with someone, like you do with your husband, you can really test how differently we do “make things up,” according to our individual memory and stories. And as you say, when you have each others best interests at heart then it can actually help as you learn to work together to create a story of your lives that works for you rather than against. And if you do forget, there is a partner to help bring you back.
Yes, I also agree that age can be a partial explanation for why my sisters and I have differing points of view. But just knowing all the many ways that memory research shows that our memories are limited (not to mention creative!) helps to keep me aware of what I’m choosing to say, think and believe about just about everything that happens to me and in the world. Of course there is nothing wrong with a different viewpoint or memory–just awareness about whether or not that worldview/memory is helping me live the kind of life I want. ~Kathy
Our minds holding memories differ from individual to individual. Some people easily can remember any happening whether relevant or not some cannot unless they are so vital. Your piece really highlighted some practical happenings in terms of holding memories in our daily lives.
I particularly can’t forget my time in the village in Africa when i had to help my parents in the farm in the morning before walking 10km to school. All these are relevant memories and can’t be forgotten because of the role it has played in my life. As you said stated, emotions, motivations, etc is a driving force to how we keep things in memory.
Hi Salifu! Thanks for stopping by SMART Living and sharing your thoughts on memories. Yes I agree that what we individually think is important is definitely going to hold more interest to what we choose to remember. And it sounds like your childhood memory of both your parents and school is a very strong one with a really good story behind it. The challenge for all of us is to find the narrative that helps to keep us optimistic and moving forward in a positive way. Thanks again for your comments. ~Kathy
As a young adult I could only remember the painful things that happened between my parents and from them toward me. In my mid-late twenties I asked God to help me remember the good times…times when their love for me was evident. My brain “obeyed” my command and many good memories returned. From then on I had a more balanced remembrance of them and my childhood. Now I am far more grateful to them than I was able to be when only hurtful things were remembered. Thanks, again, Kathy, for a great post!
Hi Nancy! Good for you for learning this early on. I frequently remember Carolyn Myss as she comments on how tempting it is for people to live their “woundology” rather than give up the story of the tragedies in our lives. As an intuitive healer, Myss is convinced that a big reason people don’t heal from their physical and/or emotional problems is that they can’t (or don’t want to) give up that past story or memory because it gives them something that is more important to them than a healing. And while it is easy to say that should be easy, and that we should all do it, all I can really do is say that for me, I would rather be healed that continue to live a painful past. It sounds like you made that same choice too. Thanks for sharing it with me. ~Kathy
This is really interesting. Because my brain is so full of useless data like which actor starred in which picture, I rely on photos and journals to prop up my memory. The good thing about that is that photos are always of happy times and adventures.
Hey Lizzie! Yes, I think most of us have a brain full of stuff we consider useless–but just imagine all the stuff going on around us that we discard as believing completely un-useful? And I agree that having so many photos of our past happy times (cuz I don’t know about you but I don’t take photos of when I’m unhappy!) then we can use those to trigger a cascade of good and positive thoughts whenever we want. I also make slideshow videos of our big travels and any time I want a “happy boost” I can just take one out and plug in the DVD. ~Kathy
You are so right about memories being unreliable. Emotions, motivation, cues, context and frequency of use can all affect how accurately you remember something. I love the analogy that memories are less like a recording of a concert and more like an improvisational jazz performance.
Hi Deane! I LOVE that idea that our memories are less like a recording of a concert and more like an improvisational jazz performance. What a great way to grasp the “gist” of memory. Thank you for sharing that! ~Kathy
Hi Kathy. My sisters remember our childhood differently than I do as well. They tell me I have rose colored glasses when it comes to our childhood but that is the way I remember it. It was like one long summer break….
Hi Kelly! How are you? I hope your life is going well and happy these days. Yes, isn’t it amazing how we can come from the same family and have so many different ways of remembering it? And I’ll bet you can guess which way I saw my parents too, right? Let’s just never forget that we are still making it up every day. ~Kathy