Last week Thom and I drove back to our former home in La Quinta. We were able to rent it out seasonally for a spell but hadn’t been back to check on it since. Yes, the house is over twice as large as our tiny-house park model in Arizona. So, it feels rather spacious. Not big, but plenty of room. It is also very comfortable and familiar. We lived here for 14 years before our “experiment” in Tucson and made the house just right for us. That is until we began living in our community in Tucson. Now, after being back for only a few days something has become pretty clear. For us that means that our future and our happiness exist in the community we now have, rather than any particular house.
I talk with many people about getting older and retirement these days. I read retirement articles and positive aging blogs too. However, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve read about people who don’t want to sell or leave their longtime home. Many of them have lived there for years and have decades of memories and “stuff” stored there. Some of these fellow retirees like to say that they are keeping stuff for their kids or grandkids or can’t bear to part with their treasures. And yet at the same time I hear them talk about how the burden and the responsibility of maintaining those larger homes with “stuff” weights them down.
I also hear some people talk about how their old neighborhoods have changed. Not only do families grow up and move away, so do neighbors and even friends leave. Once retired, many have lost their social networks and are lonely. But still that attachment to a long-lived home persists and the idea of sorting through years of memories feels overwhelming. Then add in the pressure from children who love the idea of their mom and dad staying put in their longtime “family-home,” and most have a hard time even thinking about a move.
So, what is it that keeps us so attached? I get the attraction if we love the house, location and everything about where we are living. But when the negatives clearly outweigh the positives, why do people stay? Do we convince ourselves that the “devil we know” is better than the one we don’t? Or do we lack the energy or curiosity to discover if there are far better options available?
Thom and I didn’t make our choice easily. There were (and still are) many attachments to our house in La Quinta. And making the choice about what to do next (either rent or sell) isn’t easy either. But we were willing to explore and try a couple of different options. The primary difference, at least for us, is discovering how important the right community is to us at this time in our lives. And now after spending nearly six months there, it is obvious to me that the biggest difference is the people, the community and a home that fits our needs. So, despite the limitations of our new home, the numerous benefits we’ve gained by our new community the scales are definitely tilted toward our new smaller home.
I’m first to admit that when I was younger, the need and desire for community wasn’t nearly as strong. Thom and I had our work friends, some family nearby and loads of friends in the surrounding city. But once retirement came along—things changed. I wanted more. Luckily, we started looking around. Besides exploring cohousing (other articles here) we travelled and explored new places to live (Mexico, Canada, Europe?) But nothing grabbed us like our community in Tucson has.
Surprisingly, proximity plays a much bigger part than we imagined. When every walk or bicycle ride you take comes with waves, smiles and even conversation—it’s easy to feel connected. Then during busier times of year there are dozens of daily activities—hiking, biking, golfing, pickleball, tennis, yoga, swimming, line dancing, card games, woodworking, etc. etc.—the list seems endless. So many older people complain about how hard it is to make friends as you age. Living where we do now, that is nearly impossible unless you lock yourself inside and never come out.
Of course, we are each different from other people and what makes us happy and content is likely much different from many others. But I’ve never been as clear as I am now that for us, where we live and spend much of our days is more about the community than the actual dwelling. And if and/or when we find something better, I hope we won’t hesitate to make that move then as well. After all, as I turn 70 later this month, I’m aware that I only have so much time left to live this “one wild and precious life” I have been given. Just like the journey is more important than the destination, I tend to think it is SMART to remember that our communities (however we define them) are more important than the building where we often call home.
It is so easy to stay stuck where you are. Change is hard and as we age, we have less energy for it. It is often easier to not do anything. But life circumstances do change. My husband and I both worked with people all day long and we were relieved to come home to our oasis out in the country. Now that the nest is empty and we no longer have the noise of work to escape from, it feels a little too isolated. As you pointed out, it isn’t just about the home, but the access to other things that keep us engaged and feeling alive. Hence, we are packing up and heading closer to town. And yes, it is a lot of work, both physically and emotionally but staying stuck in memories is the only other option. Your Tucson community sounds like an engaging place to live – enjoy!
I read this with mixed feelings, because I’m so happy you found a place where you feel the connection of community and plenty of activity. Also, you are among my very dearest friends, and I will miss knowing you live here.
I promise we will see you next time we are out. your way…and we DO come that way often!
I know you searched long for just the right place, so I’m glad the place you finally settled on is within driving distance of me.
I love you both, and I’m so happy for you.
Hi Kathy, I am glad you and Thom have found a place that suits you both. I agree that the community outweighs the house at this stage of life. Malcolm and I sold our house and a lot of its contents almost four years ago. The home was too big and too difficult to maintain. We have ‘tried on’ a few different lifestyles since then, but haven’t found a suitable situation. In the meantime, we are content to rent a small place and travel. I am a firm believer that timing is everything.
Well, you know that Paul and I talk about this a lot. We love our house but wonder if we still want to devote as much time as we have to its upkeep. We live in a city with a lot to do but do we really want to drive in traffic to get there? I love the idea of having your community right there.
We have neighbors (probably ten years older than us) who just moved to a 55+ community and they love it. Not only does it fit them now, it provides care if needed as they age. It ain’t cheap, though.
I’m happy that I’ve visited you two in both of your homes. I can understand why park model living is especially attractive at this stage of life.
Hi Janis! Yes I know you are faced with a tough choice but I do think you are doing your research! I think it is good to remember that isn’t an “all or nothing” choice. And if you make the move you can also change your mind and make another. I get that it isn’t easy. (I spent the last week going through stuff in our La Quinta house and deciding what to keep and what to donate–and I still have a pile to go through!) but it can be done. Renting a place here or there for a month or longer is an excellent way to go! Go for it! Meanwhile, come for a visit any time you like! There are still more places to explore here in Tucson! ~Kathy
You built your nest; now live in it? Fear of change? Lack of energy? Lack of confidence? A sense of not deserving a “better” life? There’s a myriad of reasons, I suppose. With the goal of being proactive, my days in my home of >45 yrs is numbered. It has to do with the amount of energy & physicality needed to maintain this rural property. I watched my mom’s physical & mental demise that prompted her move from her rural property & I want to make the necessary changes before someone makes them for me. The Tucson community seems to offer so many activities, like summer camp for adults. It behooves us to seek those activities & engage in the community if not readily available like in “retirement” communities.
Hi Mona. Yes. I think you’ve hit on several reasons why people stay stuck. And I know the “pull” of community isn’t that strong in people who like and/or prefer quiet and solitude. I am definitely more outgoing than Thom but even he has come to see how great it is to have the option to be around people and do things when you want. Plus our neighbors are all very respectful so it isn’t like we pester each other–we all have privacy and as much alone time as needed.
You also bring up a really good point about saying that you don’t want to wait too long before making the choice–because as you say I think we have all noticed others who did and it doesn’t always turn out well. Much better to think ahead and research choices and make those decisions before you aren’t able. There ARE good places but we do need to seek them out. Thanks for your thoughts on this! ~Kathy
Happy upcoming birthday, Kathy. I love how you and Thom keep challenging yourselves to explore, experiment and discover what is best for you. I have many friends who have chosen to age in place, and they have the resources to do this. So far, these situations are working for them. I have others who downsized early, leaving yard work and other home owning items significantly reduced. Richard and I are somewhere in between. We won’t be in our current home forever. But it works for us now – and since this is the second longest that I have ever lived in one home, I am enjoying that too! <3
Hi Donna! Thanks for the birthday wishes! And also thanks for bringing up something I didn’t emphasize in this decision. A big deciding factor may or may not be how easily a person or family can afford that “bigger” property as they age. Luckily for Thom and I that wasn’t that important but having extra finances to do a lot of traveling sure doesn’t hurt. I personally would rather be exploring the world than sitting by myself in a lovely home somewhere by myself because I couldn’t afford to travel. Or staying in a longtime family home and barely scraping by to pay increased taxes, maintenance, utilities or a mortgage can be extremely stressful. Of course you and Richard have a great formula with the home exchange idea that we keep talking about trying ourselves. That too is a lovely option. There are certainly good options for all of us if we stay open and willing to try new things. ~Kathy
Well, Kathy, I’m so happy you and Thom are being sensible and make decisions based on experience and trying what might work best. More people should do this. But, many are set in their own, familiar ways and feel it’s risky to expand their horizons. Like you said, when people are unhappy in a situation, why don’t they change it?
Your quote “ Do we convince ourselves that the “devil we know” is better than the one we don’t? Or do we lack the energy or curiosity to discover if there are far better options available?” reminded me of people being stuck in a relationship they’re not happy in but have a hard time getting out of. Because of those very reasons… I’m curious to know what you’ll decide about the house in La Quinta.
Hi Liesbet! Well I don’t know that I like being called “sensible” (hahaha) but it definitely makes “sense” for us to have done it. I agree that it is similar to how people often get stuck in unhealthy relationships or jobs that they dislike but just don’t take the chance to move on. I’m guessing you and I just don’t have the tolerance for that. And of course that guides many of the choices we both make. Of course there are different levels too, right? My life likely seems very routine compared to yours but we each have our tolerance for adventure or normalcy. Thank goodness…let me repeat that…thank goodness we have the choice! I don’t want to take that for granted ever. And maybe my blog and your blog offer options and choices that others have never considered until now?? Happy trails my friend. ~Kathy
I love this, and agree with everything you said. Best wishes!
Hi Lynne! Thank you. And I am thrilled that you are doing so well with writing and publishing your books. Keep it up! Those stories need to be told. ~Kathy
Beautiful wisdom!
Hi Deb! Thank you. But I know you know that it isn’t always easy. :-). ~Kathy