Learning To Talk To Each Other & Deepening Relationships

One of my intentions for 2024 is to enhance, enlarge and deepen the relationships in my life.  That is the main reason why I haven’t been writing as much. And while satisfying that urge for community sounds relatively easy—and it can be in the right place at the right time—it does require time, effort and commitment.  So, I’m not sure if my intentions led me to the community of Rincon West RV Resort here in Tucson to “practice”, or if the community itself is helping me clarify what has become increasingly important in my life. But here are a few thoughts I have uncovered that might help those of you who believe they might benefit from something similar.

 

 

As I’ve explained in a few of my recent blog posts, about a year ago we started exploring Tucson and the concept of a “tiny home.”  These small homes called park models, can be found in RV parks around the country.  Technically an RV, (because they start out at less than 400 square feet and are potentially moveable,) they sit among typical RV’s (motor homes, trailers, etc.) inside designated parks. You can also add an additional room to the park model to expand it to almost 800 square feet if the RV Park allows it.

While park models do resemble small mobile homes in many ways, what makes them stand out is what they offer.  Because they are designed to attract a very mobile community (RVer’s themselves) the parks offer a huge number of amenities—at least part of the year.  Plus, the precise location of the park is often a big drawing card to whoever visits.

When Thom and I first visited Tucson, we explored many areas of the city.  After several visits we realized that we preferred being close to downtown near hundreds of events, services and restaurants. We also wanted to be near nature with hiking nearby. And a huge benefit was being next to the amazing Tucson Loop—a 135-mile paved and dedicated bike trail that surrounds the city.  Also high on the list was a ready-made community with friendly people and dozens of activities onsite.  We believe we found all that and more at Rincon West.

I explain all this because I think it is important to realize that if you want to grow relationships, it can be a big help to plant yourself in an area where you can find them.  We’ve now been living here for just over three months and in that time we have met hundreds of people. We have made quite a few close friends and know most of the people on our street by first name. There isn’t one day that goes by that we don’t pass by and share a few words or entire conversations—not to mention happy hours!  Every day of the week there are activities to participate in and because you can’t do it all, it takes time to decide which appeals to you most. And when you want quiet time, you can just stay home.  Behind it all is the opportunity to meet and connect with all sorts of potential new and interesting people whenever you want.

Plus, as I’ve written about before, Thom and I started a discussion group based upon TED Talks.  The Activity Department here at the park was very supportive and offered us a room.  To date we’ve had two gatherings with around 30 people each with great discussions around interesting ideas.  The hardest part of it is trying to remember everyone’s name!  Of course you can hold this sort of thing in any community, but what makes it so easy here in Rincon is they provide the room, the chairs, the audio visional equipment and as much advertising as you want.  Plus having it literally a 3-minute walk from our new home makes it very easy.

In alignment with my 2024 intention, the last two TED Talk discussions have focused on community and communication.  Between those two discussions and a book I happened to read, I believe my skills at connecting and relating to others is improving.  That book is How to Know a Person: the Art of Seeing Others Deeply and Being Deeply Seen by David Brooks.

Like most many of us, Brooks is concerned about the growing disconnection and loneliness in our country and all the problems that causes.  In fact, he calls this period “an emotional and relationship recession.”  He also believes that such loneliness “distorts reality” and creates a sense of hopelessness that leads to distrust.  From there we often lash out and are “meaner” to others.

Obviously, the causes behind this are complicated.  However, as our society becomes more and more fractured, we’ve lost what used to connect us in the past.  Most of us no longer belong to close knit families, social, civic or special interest clubs, or even churches.  And what is behind our disconnection?  According to Brooks we have forgotten how to talk to each other—in person.  We’ve slowly lost our ability to connect in kind and respectful ways.  We don’t see conversation modeled in most families, in schools, or in our “clubs.”  (Texting, email or even Zoom is not the same.)  And what we see on TV or social media is nearly the opposite. It’s one thing to say, “Be kind” or “be nice” but many people and especially younger ones are no longer being taught how.

As I said before, this issue is far more complicated although Brooks does his best to explain it in great depth.  What I walked away with was that the loneliness that a huge majority of our population feels is leading to more distrust and anger than most of us realize.  Yes, there are very complicated issues in our world right now that need attention—but again, Brooks seems convinced that one of our biggest problems is that we have forgotten how to see (and talk) with each other.

Brooks also believes that we all think we are better at communication than we actually are.  He states that only about 20% of the time are we accurately “reading each other” when we first get together. And with people we know well it’s only about 35%.   When we don’t take the time to listen, see, respect and understand others, we tend to jump to conclusions and slot other people in easy judgements.

A good example is how easy it is to almost instantly judge whether those we encounter are like us and belong on the right (righteous) side of any debate the minute that they say anything that we disagree or agree with. (Think politics?)  However, I recently read that most of us hold the same values as 80% of all other people.  But if you read the newspaper it seems like half the country is crazy and the other half (like me) are perfectly justified and sane.

Again, this is a complicated issue that deserves deeper dives.  I do recommend the book for anyone else who is interested in becoming a better communicator.  But more importantly for me, is that I have been given a great opportunity to practice some of these ideas in my current community.

Do I agree with everyone here in Rincon?  I doubt it.  And I doubt they agree with me on everything.  But rather than seeing others with adversarial eyes, I am doing my best to focus on seeing how we are alike rather than different.  I’m also doing my best to find and then see others who share similar interests as I do without a need to draw any lines in the sand about who is right and who is wrong.  No, I don’t hide my opinions if people ask directly.  But I believe that my choices and preferences do not wholly define me any more than they completely define anyone else.

I am also doing my best to form what Brooks calls, “aggressive friendships.”   He says, that, “…our happiness in life, as well as our health and fulfillment, is hugely dependent on our ability to be skillfully understanding of and considerate toward others.”  He says that a big part of the “bitterness and alienation in our country flows from the fact that our social skills are inadequate to the complex society we now live in.”

I have no idea if a community like Rincon would be beneficial to others like it is proving itself to be for me.  But I do believe it is helping me satisfy my current intentions.  I’m also convinced that we can all learn to be better communicators and grow in our ability to understand and be more considerate of each other.  We might not be able to bring peace to our entire world or cure some of the other problems we all know are lurking.  But I sense that the SMART thing to do is what Gandhi recommended and that is, “Be the change you want to see in the world.”