Grateful Me = Happy Me!
Last week my post talked about three challenges that I think stand in the way of many of us living gratefully each and every day. What occurred to me from some of the comments and other conversations I’ve had during the week is that there are a number of people who aren’t convinced that we should live either gratefully or happy every single day anyway. What’s interesting to me after all the research I’ve done over the years about creating happiness, is how closely the reasoning to avoid gratitude on a daily basis appears the same. That led me to explore some of the more common myths that exist for happiness—and observe at how those same myths apply to living thankfully 365.
But before we get into the myths associated with happiness and a grateful heart it would be good to clarify what I mean by thankful. What I don’t mean is the obligatory response when someone does something for you even if you didn’t want it or like it. Saying “Thank You,” when someone does something can be a habit or behavior that many of us were raised to believe was necessary—not fun. And while having nice manners may be desirable in a social context, it does not necessarily translate to the type of gratitude that produces a thankful and happy life.
So what are the myths that both happiness and a thankful life share?
1) If you go around being thankful all the time people will see you as a Pollyanna at best, or a fool or idiot, at worst.
Remember Pollyanna? Over fifty years ago that movie showed up in theaters and we are still using her as an archetype of infectious optimism. Throughout the years people have portrayed Pollyanna as a caricature of someone who is overly optimistic and silly when other reactions were called for. But on closer inspection, Pollyanna never ignored nor denied it when bad things happened, she just didn’t dwell there. Instead she would look for the good and stayed grateful for the things she could control.
It’s possible that people might see an overly grateful person as a fool, but I think the joke is on them. Just like with happiness, people who are grateful are more easily able to look beyond any tragedy or sadness they encounter and return to an awareness of the good in their lives. They, like Pollyanna, don’t deny it when bad things happen, they just don’t allow it to take over their lives.
2) Gratitude will make you complacent, passive and eliminate incentives.
Many people are convinced that the best way to motivate themselves is to be deeply unhappy and driven. Think of the struggling artist or the single-minded businessman. Unfortunately, scientific studies now prove that unhappy and driven people are so miserable and depressed that they ignore opportunities and possibilities that are right in front of them. Or worse yet, they medicate their unhappiness by drowning it in one form of addiction or another.
Studies now show that grateful and happy people are more creative, energized, productive, able to think more deeply, and are generally more satisfied with their life. If you want to get something done, don’t hire an unhappy depressed person. Hire a person who is both optimistic and grateful for the opportunity that each day brings to create something amazing.
3) It is impossible to be grateful in the midst of suffering. While many of us might think this to be true, the opposite is often our experience. Face it—the longer any of us lives the more likely there will be that we will face disappointment and challenges. Yet once we’ve lived through them—and watched others we admire do the same—we can arrive at a place where we know that no matter how bad it gets it seldom lasts. If fact, if you look for it you will often find benefits like: a) you’ll discover who your true friends are; b) you’ll discover your own resilience; c) you’ll discover that most of the time bad things lead to positive change and personal growth.
Another side to this is that many of us think we will be seen as insensitive if we don’t get sad and unhappy when the situation is clearly negative. As Barry Neil Kaufman of The Option Institute says, “Commiserating just supports and amplifies misery. Happiness (and Gratitude) might, in fact, be the most sensitive and useful tool with which to assist someone we love through a difficult circumstance.” Of course I’m not suggesting we ever attempt to make light of someone’s pain. But remember, like Pollyanna, gratitude is not about denying that bad situations occur. But, it is an ever aware and constant focus that good exists.
4) Too much gratitude shows weakness.
While living thankfully does ask us to be more open and vulnerable, author Brene Brown says that such actions are actually some of the most heroic things we can do. When you think about it, expressing gratitude requires a person to be open and vulnerable and risk being truly seen by others. It asks us to admit what is most important to us to the world without holding back for fear of being taken advantage of. It requires us to be truthful and authentic and that takes enormous courage. As Brene Brown says, “We simply cannot know joy without embracing vulnerability—and the way to that is to focus on gratitude, not fear.”
5) Gratitude, (like happiness) is something you can use up…there is only so much to go around.
This one might sound silly on the surface, but if you think about it we all know people who are downright stingy about their joy AND their gratitude. It’s as though they ware afraid that by sharing it and living it, they would run out. I’ve written before about the insidious belief in scarcity and not-enoughness that runs through our culture and I believe it extends to gratitude as well. Instead of seeing gratitude, like love, as something that the more you give the more you have, it is almost like some people believe that it carries too high a cost to squander. So instead of seeing it as unlimited and abundant, they hoard it for special occasions. Not only do those around them suffer, the person doing the hoarding pays the highest penalty.
Until I began to compare thankfulness to happiness I never realized how closely related they were. But like Brene Brown concludes when talking about people who thrive in the world, “Gratitude is the cornerstone of Wholehearted living.” On the surface, it’s easy to take the action of being thankful for granted and assume that we are doing everything we can to experience it. But until we unravel some of the thoughts, doubts and prejudices around the topic, we may not be fully enjoying the many benefits that such a practice brings. And remember, you can’t live SMART 365 without the “T” in the end.
This post is a part of a Blog Hop hosted by Midlife Boulevard. To become even more GRATEFUL for the good in your life, be sure and hop around a few of the following posts!
a good exploration of the reasons some people resist gratitude. Thanks for covering so much ground on an aspect of thanksgiving that gets missed. I do enjoy reading people’s list, but a good inspection of the issue is very applicable to all.
Hi Karen! Thanks for stopping by and sharing the gratitude 🙂 And Ha! sometimes I try to write a “simple” list but most of the time I start thinking and that’s the end of that. Glad you liked it! ~Kathy
I’m one of those people who has 2 kinds of glasses; half-full and rose-colored. My life is not perfect but I am filled with gratitude with all the blessings I have. For anyone who thinks being happy will keep them from “success” has a different definition of success than I do.
Hi Connie! It sounds like you are a member of the Pollyanna Club along with me 🙂 Pollyanna didn’t deny that bad things happened, she just persisted in looking for (and finding) the good in spite of it. I too don’t believe my life is perfect either and yes, wouldn’t it be crazy to think you have to be unhappy to be successful and motivate yourself. Thanks for sharing your gratitude! ~Kathy
I especially like #3, and it’s been life-changing for me. Figuring out how to be thankful for even the “icky” stuff — THAT’s what makes me whole.
It’s not necessarily easy to do. Thanks for addressing these myths.
Hi Lori! I think #3 is probably the most difficult for ALL OF US! I know better (in my head) like most of us…but when stuff is happening I have to “consciously” return to what I know to be true on the deepest level. And because I know you do yoga, it is similar right? Even the most challenging poses have value if we learn to look beyond (and deeper) than our momentary discomfort. Thanks for bringing up these thoughts! ~Kathy
I do think some people use gratitude as a buzz word and are not sincere. Others prescribe to myth #4. I think gatitude like happiness, some people are prone to it, it comes easily and effortlessly while others have to work at it.
Hi Haralee! Thanks for commenting on this post too. 🙂 I’ve never had a problem with #4 myself but I’ve certainly known others that do. Probably the only one I really struggle with any more I wrote on my latest post http://smartliving365.com/grateful-little-things/ is my tendency to think I’m bragging when I list what I’m grateful for. I do feel so incredibly blessed but I NEVER what others to feel like I take it for granted. Maybe, as you say, it comes more easily to me than others. But then I do WORK at it and these challenges are mainly for my benefit! Thanks for your thoughts. ~Kathy
I’m mostly a Pollyanna and lemme tell you living a life of gratitude is EXACTLY why life is happy. And this gratitude business has made me the opposite of complacent. It makes me seek out change for the better and inclusive solutions to thorny problems. Does this mean my blinders are up to the ills of the world and my patients? No. It means I’m not as subject to compassion fatigue. It happens but not it isn’t the resonant white noise in my day to day life. Joy, happiness, gratitude are the white noise in my life.
Hi Laura! Thanks for stopping by SMART Living and sharing your thoughts about gratitude. I happen to be a big fan of Pollyannas so I’m sure you have a happy life. Isn’t it good to stay focused on the things that are working in the world? And thank you for pointing out how it keeps us from burnout or “compassion fatigue.” I love that you said, ” Joy, happiness, gratitude are the white noise in my life.” ~Kathy
Definitely thought provoking. People who can feel gratitude throughout their lives I think are happier in general…otherwise you’re just chasing the end of the rainbow.
Hi Michelle….thank you so much for hopping over and joining the conversation! You have a great website with LOADS of information and I also just popped in our your link share. Thank you! And yes, I definitely believe that gratitude and being thankful can increase the quality of all of our lives–or the WHOLE rainbow as you say. Thanks again for your comment. ~Kathy
What a though-provoking post you have shared: “Five Myths Of A Thankful Life”
I grew up with parents who instilled in me the importance of gratitude. Not just silent gratitude, but regular, polite expressions of thankfulness and appreciation were the standard behaviors expected of my brother and I as children. So as an adult I am still quick to say Thank You and look for the reasons to be grateful in almost everything I do and experience. It’s become second nature. However, I am aware of many of the myths you address above for example, “If you go around being thankful all the time people will see you as a Pollyanna at best, or a fool or idiot, at worst.” I cannot deny that some people may perceive my behavior that way, but I certainly hope not. I am so happy to be thankful for the many blessings in my life and I embrace active gratitude like a “celebration of life”.
Thank you for sharing this wonderful post at the “Healthy, Happy, Green & Natural Party” Blog Hop! Have a Happy Thanksgiving!
Hi Deborah….thank you for popping over from your blog hop and joining the conversation. I am SO GLAD you didn’t let the myth of being seen as Pollyanna keep you from expressing and seeing gratitude wherever you find it. I think the sad thing is that people who do believe those myths actually pay the highest price for their belief. Not being able to daily experience a grateful heart is punishment enough.
Thanks again for your hosting of all the blog hops! I’m trying my first one this Friday and would love it if you link up one of yours on mine!~Kathy
Great piece! I’m sharing it on my positive psychology group facebook page. You hit on so many of the key points of positive psychology – of flourishing and living well. Not denying the problems but appreciating the good. “When we appreciate the good, the good appreciates.” Tal Ben-Shahar (leading positive psychology professor)
Hi Harriet! Thank you so much for stopping by and adding to the conversation! I so agree that gratitude is a key to flourishing and living well. Don’t you just love the idea behind the word “flourishing?” And I love that quote, “When we appreciate the good, the good appreciates.”
Thank you for coming by and for putting the gratitude out around the internet! ~Kathy
Thank you so much, Kathy, for including me in this round-up! I appreciate it! 🙂
You are very welcome Erika! Thank YOU for being one of those on the internet that share and promote gratitude! ~Kathy
It is in times of our greatest suffering that we learn to cultivate kindness and count our blessings.
So true. Thanks for dropping by Pat!
I used to believe several of those myths, and convinced myself that being cynical was much more realistic. But, the problem was that I was not happy. Over the years, I have changed my way of looking at life, and make gratitude part of every day, and guess what…..I am a much happier and more relaxed person, which seems to bring even more blessings my way. Thanks for sharing this.
Hi Kathy D.! Thanks for stopping by and adding to the conversation. And thank you for being honest enough to admit that you used to believe some of those myths. In many cases I think a lot of people simply don’t realize that they actually believe those things about gratitude, but every one of their actions point it out. And as far as being cynical…that’s almost epidemic in our country. In a similar way people like to believe that it’s so much better to be “realistic” without realizing that they are the ones who are choosing what reality to believe.
I’m so glad to hear that your personal experience is that you are now much more happy and relaxed by making gratitude a part of your every day. And isn’t it so true that the more you focus on the good in your life the more it grows? Thank you again for sharing your perspective with all of us. ~Kathy
Thank you, Kathy for sharing my post on Gratitude.
Your example of Pollyanna struck a chord, I like to be around happy and grateful people they lift me up and remind me that things will get better which I have learned over time. People who are closed off or negative more often than not depress me and pull my energy down with them. We can be happy, and grateful and still have a bad day, it’s all in how we decide to perceive the situation that matters in the end.
Hi Lois! You are so welcome. I was very happy to link it and share your perspective on gratitude. I am just amazed at how many unique perspectives there are, but so many of them arrive at that the same conclusion–that we are indeed blessed with the life we have been given. And yes, as you say, “it’s all in how we decide to perceive the situation that matters in the end.” ~Kathy
Kathy, you had me at Brene Brown. I’m a big fan. 🙂
Seriously though, I could totally relate to #2 while I was aggressively climbing the corporate ladder. And I can completely relate to #3 now, as I face challenges of the financial sort for the first time in my life.
I’m actually grateful that these current challenges have come at this age, as I find that despite the hardships, I am able to connect to all that is fantastically amazing in my life. Age brings wisdom, and in this case, wisdom brings gratitude.
xoxo nancy
Hi Nancy! For some reason this comment ended up in my spam file but thankfully I caught it and saved you from exile! 🙂 Yes isn’t Brene wonderful. I’ve written a few other posts about her work abut for some reason or another her wisdom pops up in just about everything I write –very good stuff for sure.
And yes, #2 is tricky for many of us because so many of us were raised in a way that suggested we needed negative motivation to scare us into doing what needs to be done. When that message gets pounded into our heads enough we somehow think that’s the only way we will ever get anything done. But studies are actually proving now that many of us (I’d guess most of us) do far, far better with positive reinforcement. I imagine if we were all raised on that premise it might be easier for us to feel that our inspiration comes naturally from within when we are passionate–not when we are being threatened. And I think just knowing that #3 is NOT TRUE is useful for us all, especially if and when we are faced with any challenge. When we look around and see others who have triumphed in spite of difficulty–it encourages us to do the same.
And yes, yes I completely agree that age does bring wisdom and that in many cases that wisdom can lead to more gratitude.
Thank you for your thoughtful comment. ~Kathy
I find I feel much more gratitude as I get older. I will have to write a post for your bloghop next week!
Hi Sharon! Thanks for stopping by and joining the conversation. Isn’t it true that it DOES seem to get easier to be grateful as we “mature”? I think the more we go through and see that we can still be amazingly happy and THRIVE, the more we realize how blessed we are.
And YES PLEASE write something and join in my first EVER blog hop next Friday. ~Kathy
I am posting a follow-up gratitude post tomorrow, fitting as I’ve just arrived back in the U.S. for the holiday. 🙂 I’m linking to your post in my post tomorrow. Happy Thanksgiving Kathy & Thom!
Hi Nancy! Welcome back to the U.S….I’m thinking your weather must be MUCH warmer now that you’ve come so far south even though it’s a bit chilly for us. And are you feeling better too? I know you had a cold there for awhile and I’m hoping that is long gone by now.
Thank you so much for the link-love too! I am working on my first ever BLOG HOP so be sure and check in Friday or after for my next post and link it up. If all goes well I should have a TON of gratitude posts for us all and would definitely like another one of yours!
So are you celebrating Thanksgiving here too? How nice to be able to do it twice. 🙂 Whatever you’ve got planned… “Happy Thanksgiving to you and Mr. Enthusiasm! Let us know if you make it down this way during this trip and we will make a plan to get together! ~Kathy
Hey Kathy,
Sadly this trip is all about bargain-hunting for Christmas gifts, so it’s unlikely we’ll get any side trips in during these two weeks.
And re; the cold — well that is gone. However, just as I boarded the plane yesterday, my stomach started cramping in a way that was not dissimilar to labor. 4.5 hours of that on the flight. And then a fever after I got to the condo. Feeling slightly better today, but it’s still feels like something crawled inside me to die. Blah! I guess I am paying for 11 months of perfect health. Fingers crossed this passes quickly.
And yes, having temps in the 60’s is a nice respite from the 20’s and 30’s back home. 🙂
Hi Nancy! I just found this in my spam folder! Not sure why your posts keep ending up there. But regardless of that I hope that you are feeling better by NOW! I’ll keep out for future posts and looking forward to reading of your speedy recovery. ~Kathy
Hi Kathy. We have a family joke that I live my life looking through rose colored glasses…but it is the only way that I see to live. And it is better than any other view as far as I can see!
Thanks so much for linking to my post…I am grateful that you did. 🙂
Hi Kelly! Ha! I too love the view from rose-colored glasses and frankly can’t imagine why everyone doesn’t want to wear them as well! When you think about it, given a choice, it’s sort of crazy to do otherwise. And yes, the view is AMAZING!
Thanks for YOUR article and your unique and special way of expressing gratitude. And thanks AS ALWAYS for stopping by and sharing your wisdom! ~Kathy
In my blogs I issued a Radical Gratitude Challenge this month and have several people sign up for it! I’m with you all the way! Gratitude as a way of living expresses trust that there is ultimately a good purpose behind everything, even those things we don’t, at the moment, like very much. The benefit is living at peace.
Hi Nancy! Thank you for joining this conversation AND for telling me about your own Radical Gratitude Challenge. I LOVE it and just went to your website to check it out and then added it to the links on this page so that others can read about it and join in if they want to too. Like I said on your website, we can’t have too much gratitude so this is another way people will be able to carry it forward once my 30-Day Challenge is done.
I so, so agree with you when you say, “Gratitude as a way of living expresses trust that there is ultimately a good purpose behind everything, even those things we don’t, at the moment, like very much. The benefit is living at peace.” Thank you for saying it so eloquently! ~Kathy
Thank you for sharing my post, Kathy!
This fall, I’ve come to realize that gratitude is a state of mind, and that we can’t pick and choose what to be grateful for. The journey itself should be the object of our gratitude. Even mistakes, and things we see as “bad” can lead to amazingly positive changes, in the grand scheme of things.
You’re welcome Bethany! Thank YOU for writing it and for the thoughts it expresses. I’m very grateful for all the blog posts I’ve been reading around the blogosphere and how unique and varied we all are. Of course one of the common themes is as you say, “things we see as “bad” can lead to amazingly positive changes, in the grand scheme of things.”
Gratitude and living a thankful life are indeed a “state of mind” that can help make every single day better in some way. Thanks for your comment (as ALWAYS) and thanks for the encouraging messages you put out in your blog all the time! ~Kathy