Last weekend my husband Thom and I attended the Joshua Tree Music Festival. It wasn’t our first. We’ve attended several others in the past, including two of the biggest music festivals in the country—The Coachella and Stagecoach. Why? We’re drawn to the music, the energy, the art and the people watching. While every event is unique, the Joshua Tree Music Festival promotes itself as a family friendly global music festival, so people of all ages and backgrounds attend. But just like with other music festivals, Thom and I sort of stand out—not because we have the best costumes, makeup, tattoos or hair. We stand out because we look pretty much the way we look each and every day. And sometimes accepting yourself just the way you are, takes more courage than trying to be someone else—no matter how cool that someone else might be.
Now don’t get me wrong. I admired most of the people who made a special effort to find 
unique, colorful and sometimes outrageous outfits for themselves and their families. When done in the spirit of fun and artistic expression it can be joyful and entertaining for everyone. But what occurred to me was how easy it is to want to conform just to follow the crowd. And isn’t that the case whether you are heading to the grocery store, attending a PTA meeting or in the audience at a music festival? Standing out when the majority of people around you look different is not easy. In some ways, it is the most courageous thing any of us can do.
Along these same lines, I remember attending The Esalen Institute in Big Sur along the coast of California a couple of years ago. For those who might not be familiar with it, Esalen is a world-renowned retreat center and community that offers nearly 500 workshops a year. Founded by Michael Murphy and Dick Price back in the 1960s, it remains a haven for Eastern spirituality, New Age practices, alternative and mind-body therapies and Gestalt Practice.
Besides the incredible array of workshops and the breathtaking landscape, Esalen is also known for its natural sulfur hot springs. World famous teachers, authors, and musicians have walked the grounds and enjoyed the healing water on this special property throughout the years. Perched on the cliff overlooking the ocean, the “baths” as they are frequently called, are exceptional and big part of the Esalen experience.
The thing is—the hot springs are clothing optional. And when I say clothing optional, only a very, very few wear a swimming suit to partake of the waters. In fact, I was the one and only person who wore a suit on our first day at Esalen. And yes, it would have been far easier to go with the crowd than to stand out as the only person doing something different. Because I so clearly bucked the system, it’s likely that others had an opinion of who I was and why I refused 
to go naked. And it’s possible that instead of being cheered on for my courage to be me—some might have offered judgment that was less than flattering. But whether you stand out for being outrageous, or stand out for being humdrum, it always takes courage to be yourself.
There has been some discussion by some of the other bloggers I follow here on the Internet that don’t feel they belong in any group. And that got me thinking about the desire I think most of us have—to “belong.” Belonging is a powerful and fundamental human need according to studies done by psychologists Roy Baumeister and Mark Leary. Both Baumeister and Leary report that we all need to feel we belong to a group in order to experience good mental and physical health, and happiness. This need is so strong that some people will often put up with destructive relationships rather than break the bond of belonging. But how often do we end up conforming just to fit into the crowd, whatever that crowd may be? And is that worth the price to belong?
On the flip side, even though we all want to belong, many others crave feeling unique and special. Unfortunately, the harder we try to avoid being seen as average or boring, we often end up being exactly like everyone else trying really hard not to be average or boring. Seen a group of teenagers lately? Like it or not, most of us look like the tribe we say we belong to. Yet as Friedrich Nietzsche said, “The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself.”
Instead, what I think we all crave is the need to feel significant and worthy. We all want to believe our lives have meaning and value and often that comes when others pay attention to us and to what we are doing, wearing or in my case, not wearing. However, it only becomes a problem when we need that attention from others to tell us whether we really have value or worth. Ultimately it comes down to our personal sense of self-esteem and self-awareness. Anytime we need anyone else to tell us that we are significant, we can be abused or forced to conform.
Ralph Waldo Emerson wrote:
“There is a time in every woman’s education when she arrives at the conviction that envy is ignorance; that imitation is suicide; that she must take for herself for better or worse as her portion; that though the wide universe is full of good, no kernel of nourishing corn can come to her but through her toil bestowed on that plot of ground which is given to her to till.”
But even Emerson admits that it is not easy to be a non-conformist. As he says, “For nonconformity the world whips you with its displeasure.” To counter-act that displeasure, Emerson encourages us to trust our emotions and ourselves, and to avoid consistency. Emerson reminds us, “A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds.” Even better is his statement, “To be great is to be misunderstood.” He continues with….
“What I must do is all that concerns me, not what the people think. This rule, equally arduous in actual and intellectual life, may serve for the whole distinction between greatness and meanness. It is the harder because you will always find those who think they know what is your duty better than you know it. It is easy in the world to live after the world’s opinion; it is easy in solitude to live after your own; but the great woman is she who in the midst of the crowd keeps with perfect sweetness the independence of solitude.”
Having the courage to be yourself in the midst of the crowd is not easy. Whether you are going to a mom’s meet-up group, a music festival in Joshua Tree, the baths at Esalen, or writing a blog post for others to read, the SMART goal is to keep “with perfect sweetness the independence of solitude.” Ultimately as Emerson writes, “To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.”
Hi, I totally agree with you, everyone is unique in our own little ways and it really takes courage to just be oneself. Being true to oneself does make a big difference and it is all worth it. Thanks for sharing. Great Read!
Like Carla I loved that last paragraph because it so resonated with me. To be yourself, eh? You sometimes think you are, but sometimes I catch myself wondering what I’m going to wear to an event according to who I’m going with or who will be there. Then I think I should just dress the way that I want to dress! In midlife it’s about time we are true to ourselves? At that beach I would have been with you not only with a bathing suit on but also a coverup!! 🙂
Hi Cathy! Just saw your comment here and yes you are so right! It’s sounds easy to say “be yourself!” but I don’t think most of us really explore what that means in every area of our lives. I do think we all get better and better at it as we age, and maybe that’s because if we are paying attention we are actually learning more and more of who we REALLY are and what is important to us. Thanks for your thoughts on this! ~Kathy
Your last paragraph resonates with me entirely and right now with the backdrop of my marriage.
Hi Carla! I’m no expert for sure but I do know what I strive for and I can’t hear this message enough. Glad you found it helpful. Be strong! Be brave! ~Kathy
This speaks to one of the yin-yang balances of life, and as always, you do it with courage and candor! And don’t we all have to sort through the multi-layers of ourselves to reach that balance. Most girls grow up trying to fit in at all costs. But as we get older, being our authentic selves tends to take center stage.
The need to be part of a tribe is in every cell of our bodies. And I feel so grateful at having found mine–a tribe that honors me for who I actually am.
You’re creating a tribe here, Kathy! Thank you!
http://www.susanmarymalone.com/100-habits-for-happiness/
Hi Susan! Thanks for getting that I was hoping to show the paradox we all face when it comes to being ourselves. I just know that even though I sometimes think I want to do, and say, and behave, and write whatever is on my mind regardless of what others think–sometimes that might not be the most kind, or compassionate, or helpful thing to do. Is it compromise not to do that? Is it courageous to do otherwise? Or is it a conscious choice to remember that we all live with, love others, and respect most others presence in our life even when they don’t agree with us or don’t do what we think they should do? Finding a tribe where each of us fits is critical and yes, I do believe I’m creating one here. Thank YOU Susan! 🙂 ~Kathy
What fun that looked like. I don’t know why buy I never followed trends, preferring to set my own. I think I was always trying to define my identity from a family that had defined it for me. My first career was as a hairdresser. I was fortunate to have my license by the time I graduated but that meant I was studying during my high school years. I experimented a lot on myself. Some of the styles I created for myself became sought after by others. One night I was out with two girlfriends when I happened to notice the three of us had the same hair style. I went home and cut my hair.
I can’t picture you ever conforming if it went against your inner you.
Hi Lois! Do you have a tattoo? Now that i know you used to be a hairdresser and experimented with hair color I wouldn’t be surprised! But knowing what I do know about you, I can’t imagine you ever working to “fit into the crowd”. And yes, you should go to a music festival–I’ll there are one or two of them close to you that you could attend. The music, the people, the art–at least our local one has a lovely vibe with great people. Check it out. ~Kathy
Yes, I do have one tattoo but I didn’t get it until I was in my 40s. It was something I’d carried around with me and helped me through the rough periods. I worried I’d lose it so had it enlarged and tattooed on my arm.
I’ve attended my share of music festivals but none have had people dressed up in costumes. I also attend several Native American festivals where I am drawn in by the music.
Hi Lois! Okay that makes sense. I couldn’t imagine you hadn’t been to a music festival before. Except maybe they are getting a bit crazier here on the West Coast these days. We actually thought about going to Burning Man but because I’m not a tent-er and from what I’ve heard the wind and dirt was worse this year than ever before, I just don’t think it appeals to me. While the art would likely be amazing, I actually like the MUSIC fests better. Still it is a fun way to come together in community. ~Kathy
P.S. Did you ever post a photo of your tattoo? Now I’m intrigued!
Courage comes in many forms. Not sure I could bathe without clothes even in a place like this. You raise relevant issues! Being a 5’8″ redhead, I tend to stand out in any crowd. As I have aged into my 50s, I don’t care as much as I used to about what I look like going to the store. Great post for the Leisure Link!
Hi Terri! Yes to courage coming in many forms. As I said to Rena here in the comments, I did go in the tubs without a swimming suit eventually but I did it completely on my own terms–and some of that was resisting my husband’s “what’s the big deal?” 🙂 I’m fortunate that I live in the desert southwest that is extremely casual and never worried too much about what I look like going to the store. But it does get even easier as we age, that’s for sure. Thanks for stopping by AND for hosting your weekly #leisurelink.” ~Kathy
Perhaps it’s because my mother is nearing the end of her life, but this makes me think about her. How different her life would have been if she’d had the courage to be accepting of her history–I have no clue what that is, but I know it’s stifled the woman she could have become–and to live her own truth. Thanks:) Brenda
Hi Brenda! I’ll bet if most of us think about it we realize that our mother’s certainly conformed much more than we do today. And hopefully our daughters and the young women who follow will be more free and confident to do even better in the future. The freedoms we have today should never be taken for granted and the ability to be ourselves is a HUGE one. Thanks for that reminder! ~Kathy
Hopefully as we grow older and dare I say wiser this gets easier and easier. It’s something we all want to strive for, but reaching that feeling of comfort is often elusive. I would have to have kept my clothes on as well whether I fit in or not. Some lines you just don’t cross no matter what it costs you in the end. It’s nice when we get to that point where other people’s opinions just don’t matter that much anymore.
Hi Rena! Yes, yes and yes to older and wiser and easier and easier! Maybe I didn’t explain it well but I did eventually go in the tubs without a suit! But it was, as I intended, fully on my own terms. I wanted to do it because of the feel and experience of it–along with an oceanside deep tissue massage–but I didn’t want to just be a lemming and follow everyone else. But I do agree that sometimes you don’t cross your limits for any reason. Our challenge is to do it from a place of complete awareness and choice. Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this! ~Kathy
As I have matured, I am less and less apt to follow trends and worry about what others think. When I was young, fitting in was so important. Since I am tend to be introverted by nature, standing out would have been so uncomfortable. Now, I still don’t like attract a lot of attention to myself (I’m still an introvert, after all), but what I choose for myself reflects ME, not my perception of what is acceptable or stylish. I love what you said about teenagers. They think they are being “different” but most are just wearing the uniform of their peers. I’m glad that tattoos weren’t popular when I was young because I’d probably have one… like everyone else.
Hi Janis! Yes I think we most of us are doing better as we age about carrying what others think. But it is almost an automatic reflect for many of us so it helps to pay attention. And what I’ve noticed is that I tend to care more if it is an area where I am insecure to begin with. I KNOW I can do somethings really well so I don’t even pretend to ever think otherwise. But if I’m a little bit nervous about my “self image” in any way, that’s where my work lies. And yes, tattoos weren’t that big a deal when we were young so it didn’t have the same pull. Not sure which way I would have gone on that issue. Thanks for your thoughts on this! ~Kathy
Courageous of you to go to Esalen … aren’t most of the attendees much younger (and hence, probably more comfortable in their own skin) , or am I wrong? But anyway, I think if you travel in the right circles you can be your true self, and feel significant and worthy, without necessarily being lonely or a nonconformist. It depends on the acceptance of family and friends. Which is why we have to realize that nature is a mad scientist that produces all different kinds of people, and that we are all stronger for those differences.
Hey Tom! Esalen was fine..it was the tubs that were a bit intimidating. Lots of old hippies hanging out there, so age isn’t a problem–it really depends on the workshop. I was raised in blue-class suburbia so that probably explains a lot! My husband who spent four years in the military didn’t find it problematic at all. I do think that the “circles” we travel in has a lot to do with it, but I think your explanation of “nature being a mad scientist” makes a lot of sense (especially if you met my family!!!!) As you said, it does make us stronger and more interesting in the long run. ~Kathy
Hi Kathy!
Which quote to like more? Nietzche? Emerson? They both hit home so perfectly.
The desire to belong is a strong one. I’ve been feeling it a lot lately, especially now that things are calming down and I have some time to look around me and reflect. I’m not exactly living a life that everyone understands or approves of. In fact, over the last few months, their disapproval has been made very clear and, in some cases, there has even been shunning.
It’s also been tough to sustain contact with friends and find new connections in a rural environment where the closest town is 30 minutes away. I’ve been trying — sometimes travelling over an hour to attend writing groups, yoga classes, and workshops. I haven’t yet found a group of people close by with whom I “fit” and I leave feeling a quiet sadness. It reminds me of when my parents moved me out of town as a child; it’s that same feeling of not fitting in anywhere.
But now, I’m older and wiser … I hope. 🙂 Around a week ago, I decided to stop trying so hard and just get back to being who I am and doing what I love. The effort I was making was getting me no where and my body and spirit were both just feeling bad.
Your post just affirmed my feelings about it all. I will continue to be myself and appreciate my accomplishment. Thank you.
Aren’t they great Tracey? I also love the quote by e.e. cummings that says, “To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else, means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting,” but I thought it was a bit repetitive so I resisted including it too.
Yes, it can be challenging for any of us to go against the tide so I’m not surprised you’ve had some pushback. While most of the people we knew weren’t actively disapproving when we rightsized, they clearly didn’t understand. And then of course, living in a very financially prosperous area, there are those who run in the opposite direction when we even tell them where we live!!! But the good news is that we did, and I’m sure you are, influence some people to step back and evaluate their own lifestyle choices. We hear now and then how that has happens and that always feels good.
As far as being isolated, I understand. It’s hard enough to find people who understand you and “get” what you’re up to when you’ve lived in an area for a while. Moving to a brand new location makes it equally challenging. While I don’t always feel that some bloggers get where I am coming from at all, I have to admit that I do feel more connected through the blog–especially when it comes to sharing the writing experience. Before blogging it was really isolating for me. Much better now and I’m hoping that works for you too now that you’re finally getting settled. And the very best thing of course IMHO is that we get to write about and communicate that feelings and thoughts where so many others must keep them bottled up inside.
I am so looking forward to meeting you in person in April at BAM….we will have LOTS to talk about for sure! And thank you for posting all your photos on FB…it was fun to see all the progress you’ve been making. ~Kathy
So true! Funny that you mention blogging & community, because that’s exactly what I’ve been feeling and thinking. Before I even saw your post, I’d already written my “come back” post. It’s just been published this morning.
While I know it might take a while to build my community back up, that’s okay. I’m coming back to it with a little less intensity and little more appreciation for the process.
Thank you for following our project. Your comments were often nuggets of support when most needed.
I can’t wait for BAM too! We’ll have to plan our first glass of wine pronto!
Kathy,
I applaud you; knowing what might have been expected of me, I wouldn’t even have gone!
I love my body IN MY CLOTHES. And though I believe in allowing others to do what they want,
sometimes I’m happy NOT to be around them. We were with friends on Martha’s Vineyard and John, our equal in age, was eager to take us to this particular beach. All was going fine until he asked if we would like to take a walk and up the beach it was a nude beach. I did not enjoy watching older women playing badminton. My daughter was so funny, trying to keep her cool and when we had walked by this older man she turned to me and said, Mom, he had a shirt on and I started to relax and then noticed NO PANTS!! A great family story as the John who took us there was her future father-in-law. Laughter always works.
Hi Beth! GREAT story about the nude beach! I remember thinking that when we went to Miami one year and was walking along the beach spotting many international visitors on the beach in suits I would NEVER wear! Not only were they sun burnt to a crisp they were clearly not at all worried about how anyone “saw” them. i.e. the men’s bellies were hanging so big and low over their speedos they might as well have been nude! But another part of me admired them for their obvious enjoyment of the space without any concern about how they looked. While I like to think I don’t care ever–there are just times when I still do. Like most of us I’m a work in progress. Meanwhile like you said, laughter ALWAYS works! ~Kathy
A few years ago a friend’s Hi School daughter got bangs and she thought she was a rebel! It appeared all the girls had long hair pulled off their faces into a ponytail. This is not a good look for everyone’s face. I applauded her and thought she looked so much cuter but conformity ruled and by the end of the year she had grown out her rebellious bangs! It is very hard in Hi School and in life to be comfortable in our own skin and style and a be nonconformist.
Hi Haralee! Thank you for that great example. I’ll bet a lot of us could come up with one from school that we witnessed (if we weren’t the example ourselves!) if we thought about it. One of the big advantages to aging is that most of the time we realize others aren’t really noticing those details about us anyway, because they are so worried about how they look! Hopefully though, we are all gradually discovering who we REALLY are and then doing our best to give that to the world. ~Kathy
I agree completely, Kathy; being yourself does take courage. Over the years, and especially in the boardroom, I have thought about, and sometimes even practiced, mimicking the behaviors, tone and language of others. It takes a lot of guts to expose your true self, especially as a woman in a corporate environment where, unfortunately, it’s still very much a man’s world.
Hi Nancy! Thank you for sharing these thoughts on the issue, because like I said to Barbara in her comment, it can be very subtle. And I also don’t think it is always bad or negative to do it, but I do think it is important for us to be awake and aware enough to know when we are adjusting to fit certain circumstances. Sometimes the courage required is just being honest with ourselves! ~Kathy
Having gone to 14 schools in 12 years growing up, I never seemed to fit in. There were times I wanted to but, didn’t have the time. There were some painful moments along the way but, I believe it helped me accept myself as an adult sooner than many others. I guess I should be grateful for that. At 65 I certainly don’t feel a need to conform to anything.
Great article, Kathy.
b
Hi Barbara! Yes, I’ll bet all that moving helping you develop a way to cope with all the different circumstances you found yourself in. But I do believe that conformity can be a VERY subtle thing that we sometimes don’t even realize is happening! For example, I have a friend who is very strong and confident in the world and you’d never know she gave a hoot about what anyone else thinks of her. But get her around her grown daughter and she’ll do just about anything to win her daughter’s approval. And let’s not even talk about her grandkids! While I’m not saying that is bad and we all have our areas of where we think the tradeoff is so worth it–I think it is a subtle thing that affects us more than we know. Unless and until we can know ourselves well enough to pinpoint those places–they are always subject to conformity. What do you think? ~Kahty
When we stop looking to others to define and delineate our relevance . . . we are on our way. Instead of “playing to an audience,” we learn to trust ourselves to steer.
Hi Nancy! Your statement of “playing to an audience” is such a great visual reminder. An audience is always outside of us and makes us really nothing more than an actor in our own lives. Much better to own ourselves. Thanks for that! ~Kathy
This comes up for me when I attend sexuality conferences–I am often one of the few, and most obvious, traditional older white women, in the crowd. Older and more traditional in appearance–it has been disconcerting at times. I see women who feel the need to ‘sex it up’ at these conferences whereas I feel quite comfortable in my normal garb.
It’s interesting how we figure out how we ‘show up’ in real life. I always felt a little out of sync growing up, in part due to a mother who criticized my looks. Finally at this advanced age of 61 I no longer give a ….. For the most part…
Would I have had on a bathing suit? Maybe… body image and the unknowing about those around me. We get to make our own choices and the judgment that comes is a reflection of those making the judgment and their biases.
Hi Walker! I have always admired your courage to be so vocal and visible with your writing and your “passions!” But even then, I’m sure there are times when it feels “disconcerting!” I think it is similar to “feel the fear and do it anyway” wouldn’t you think? Or maybe it’s like people who never “fail” –which is because they never try ANYTHING new or different. I’d say anyone who is completely immune to what anyone thinks of them, sits and home and never does anything new – OR, they are in denial. I tend to believe that all we can ever really do is move closer and closer to the freedom to be ourselves and know that that is more important than ever fitting in anywhere. And yes I agree that our choices and judgments are are reflection of who we are. Thanks for your thoughts on this. ~Kathy
As I’ve been traveling (and getting older) I have found myself being more and more comfortable being myself, and not trying to please or impress people. And I’m a lot happier this way. Great post!
Hi Stephanie! Yes I think one of the unmentioned benefits to aging is that it does get easier and easier. I’ve alway considered myself pretty strong and confident but I still found myself trying to fit in more times than I care to admit. Being honest with ourselves is of course the first step. Good for you for making progress and YES…I do believe it makes us happier. ~Kathy
Thank you for sharing your experience. I feel that in this judgemental society, at one point we all have been afraid to be ourselves lest someone might think low of us. But now I feel that i can be couragous enough to be myself too. thanks again.
Hi Simran! I’m glad you found my ideas helpful. I think the journey to being courageous is one that is never complete because society is ALWAYS doing it’s best to get us to conform. Taking it one day at a time is a practice. Good luck! ~Kathy
I’m with Corinne in finding that I’m more comfortable in my own skin since I’ve turned 50 (not that I’d be showing too much of that skin in the sulphur baths!) I agree that we have to own who we are and stop trying to fit in or apologize. Change bits if that’s whats needed, but be true to yourself and you find your value when that happens.
Hi Leanne! I would hope all of us grow more and more comfortable in our skin as we age as one of the positive side benefits. But the pull to conform is pretty strong here in the U.S. and I’m assuming equally strong where you live too. I think that is one reason why so many of us chase after lifestyles that lead to unfulfillment and even some who will do just about anything to get noticed–think of some of those trying out for American Idol? As you say, being true to ourselves and finding our own values is so important. Thanks for your thoughts. ~Kathy
Thanks for taking time to reply. Yes, I agree that the society always wants us to comply with what are considered to the usual norms, and frankly I get annoyed. It’s like:
Society: Be Yourself
Society: Not Like that !
Correct me if I am wrong.
Hi Simran! You’re welcome! I always try to reply unless I can’t tell if it is spam. It’s a little hard to tell sometimes unless you’ve been here before. I like the way you “clearly” express: “Society: Be Yourself; Society: Not like that!” So very, very true. ~Kathy
That music festival sounds like fun. If I was with you at Esalen, we would both be in our clothes!
I’ve often struggled with conforming in the past, Kathy. Not that I conformed, but that I sometimes felt apologetic about it. In recent years, I have become more and more comfortable in my own skin and don’t care for the ‘have-tos’ and the ‘must-dos’. For a short while, I thought this might have something to do with the aging process, but then I realized that it was just me growing up!
Hi Corinne! I like how you say, “become more and more comfortable in my own skin and don’t care for the have-tos’ and the must-dos.” And while I don’t think we have to necessarily “age” to get there, that growing up or maturing is certainly a part of it. Perhaps after spending enough years trying to fit in otherwise (or at least come to terms with it) we are now able to use those experiences and realize that it didn’t work that well. Hopefully our words and experiences can help those younger than us who are still struggling with the same issue. Thanks for your thoughts on this. ~Kathy
Breathe of fresh air. That’s all I can say Kathy…breathe of fresh air!
Hi Gilly! Thank you. Let’s keep reminding each other of how important this is! ~Kathy